Friday, March 29, 2013

Truly...Holy Week

There are so many things that are happening in the past two weeks. I was like, wow...it's truly Holy Week.

Last week I felt much more peaceful after going to spiritual direction (obviously when I wrote the post, I had not gone to the spiritual direction). Anyway, sometimes things are getting very difficult. If added with tiredness, it becomes even worse. This week, something happened to my friend and I reflected a lot because of what has happened in two weeks. I was shown a huge contrast between my selfishness last week and my other friends' self-less-ness towards my friend.

Still.. I've found it difficult to be generous.
Precisely when I told Pilar today that my main struggle this week is to be generous, I got the first challenge already: being misunderstood of being selfish.
That hurts. It's like you're trying to change and improve yourself, but there's already a stamp on your forehead "Ferninda is selfish". And this happens exactly at the time when I told myself, "I want to be more generous." It's Like my intention can never match my action. As much as I want to be generous, my action still shows that I'm selfish.

Thank God, it's just nice that today's circle topic is on generosity and detachment. I really really need this topic.

Jesus said, "Love one another as I have loved you,".

Love one another sounds 'easy', but to love like how He loves us, with forgiveness, with gentleness, with 100% forgetful of your own self, with a self-giving love, is D.I.F.F.I.C.U.L.T

I'm praying hard so that He gives me strength to carry on and the grace to love like how He loves me. 


Friday, March 22, 2013

the 'feeling good of doing evil'


My goodness, doing evil felt sooooo good. Despite what Fr Mario told me this morning, "to unite suffering with Christ" or what Pilar said "to offer-up, offer-up", I lost my control (again) and I gave excuse to myself, "I can't take it N.O.W."

I know that tomorrow I'll regret it, or even later, or even now..
I know the situation will be worsened, but just now I just felt that I need to let YOU know how I have been trying to control myself too.

Why Lord? Why? You want to me taste what you felt at Gethsemani too, don't you? but you are innocent, Lord. Oh man, it means He suffered more >.<
Nevermind, I want to complain

I just want to complain to YOU Lord, it's like giving me three exams in a day.
It's already hard to get up from my mistakes, but once I get up, as if I'm still slapped and stepped here and there.

Two days ago, the image that came to my mind was a mom and a dad carrying a little child (more into pulling her hand) to go up the stairs step by step. So I imagine Jesus and Mother Mary carrying me step by step.. but sometimes it's just too difficult..

I'm grateful that I still can function today (thanks to the new returned questionnaires!! :D )

I'm supposed to be calm, peaceful, and serene, am I not?
So just smile.. "ya...ya.....I'm sorry...I understand..ya....ya..." and... move on! ^^

If I can do that, I'll be saint already

I don't know what will happen tomorrow

I'm just very very tired because I always make someone very very tired..

I don't know if I'm even progressing

Have you ever felt hurt till you can feel the pain physically?

My mom will obviously scold me if she knows how I lost my control again just now.
I really wish she were here..
I wish she scolded me in front of me "You are selfish" just like what she said on whatsapp
I wish she scolded me, advised me, and scolded me again..she's the wisest woman that knows my personality very well and I'm happy that she doesn't defend me..
I wish she were here..

I don't know Lord.. I don't know if I can get through this...I'm so weak...help me

In need of miracle

Hi Jesus up there!

I'm in need of a little miracle...

Thank you

Saturday, March 16, 2013

LOL - things Catholic girls say

Sharmini sent me the link about "things Catholic girls say"
I was 'listening' to the two videos and I was laughing at the facts that those things are true!!!

Ok here are the true statements from that video:
1. "There was one time I was discerning to be a nun"
2. "Is it too short? Are you sure?"
3. "My spiritual director says...."
4. "I seriously need to go confession."
5. "Have I said my morning prayer?"
6. "He's ... he's .... and he's Catholic!"
7. "I'll pray for you"
8. "I'm thinking whether I should homeschool my children"
9. "...cute babies in Mass..."
10. "Will xyz become Catholic?" (well, I don't really talk about Justin Bieber though :P)

This is really really cute!!! *still laughing until now*

And my engaged colleague told me one that was true,
"he was discerning..."

Ahhh.. Now I miss my 3-hour-marathon-chat with Sharmini! Hahahaha.

Holy Father and Soccer Match

You know what, initially I couldn't understand why people were soooooooo excited to get to know as soon as possible when Holy Father is elected. For me, "You will know anyway..." However, that morning when Fr Suyono announced, "We have a pope. Pope Francis from Argentina,", I was surprised that I found myself smiling, filled with joy, and...wahhh I can't describe it. I couldn't wait to spread the word to my mom and my friends :) I also couldn't wait to google the Holy Father hehehe

Anyway, now I think about it like a soccer match. How many weird people (e.g., me!) are willing to stay awake 1am or 2am to see the ball is passed from one side of the field to the other end. Or even when you can't stay awake, you'll check the score as soon as you wake up! Who won the match? Who scored the goal? Even question like, who got the red card? Obviously, for a matter that is much much much more important than a soccer match, people want to know the result soon!! (Some more you can also receive the first Papal blessing even when you watch through TV) You are excited, nervous, full of joy, curious, out of LOVE to Holy Father and the Church.

During retreat, Fr Mario said that we should pray more and offer up more mortification for the election of the new pope. It's like in a family, when the father is away, the whole family is more united to pray and support each other. This fact is really really beautiful! My friend tried to compare the role of Pope with Dalai Lama, but I told her, no...it's different. And I told her about the family analogy.

Today my colleague said, "I tried to search the news about the new pope, and I found it interesting that the Pope wears red shoes." I didn't know lei! hahaha. So I googled, and tradaaaaaaaaaaaaa. the red shoes have a meaning behind! It represents blood of martyr, Christ's own bloodied feet, and submission of Pope to the authority of Jesus Christ.

Amazing!!

Pray for Pope Francis I, okay? :)

Friday, March 15, 2013

Mid-March 2013

Helloooooo!!

Well, I don't where my time has gone, but it is MARCH now!! >.<
Last Friday I finally went swimming with Wanyu, yeay!! last weekend was perfect! :):):) I (finally) went to Gardens by the Bay hehehe. The conservatory was very beautiful!! The plants were unique! And of course, bonus free guide by a biologist, so it's worth it :P

He insisted not to ask someone's help to take picture for us >.< grrrrr...The only nice picture we had was either when we were with my mom or when Monic was in SG!! oh well...need to accept the fact that there won't be 'nice-dating-photos' ha5



No real waterfall, artificial waterfall can la ya :) beautiful waterfall!! :)


This weekend is quite busy, next Saturday too, and 2 weekends from now will be Easter already!! (Oh noooo....time to sprint!!)

My stamina is not too strong. By Thursday, it's already very hard to focus at work! >.< I've been struggling to focus during my work. Interestingly, I'm currently reading on qualitative analysis to prepare myself for the upcoming interviews with the elderly (the ethical review proposal is finally approved!!). I've been editing videos for experiment too. Quite fun! :)

I'm contemplating whether I should swim tomorrow after Mass, before meeting up with my trekking friends. Hmmmmmm... *haven't decided even though now is almost midnight*

yawn..... I really hope to get a restful weekend!!! 

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Three Rings







Singapore, 12 February 2013
“I found a ring on the floor this morning. If you are the owner of the ring, please contact me at 9327 4188.”
***
Peter and Anna read the paper pasted next to the lift. Anna murmured, “The owner is very honest.” Peter nodded and smiled, “Maybe there’s this guy wants to propose his girlfriend on the Valentine’s day. Too bad he lost the ring.” Anna laughed at him, “Wow, your imagination…”
***
Lea read the paper pasted next to the lift and smiled bitterly. She glanced at her own ring. Well, her friends have asked her to take off the ring. “You can’t wait for him anymore,” even her daughter said so. Lea did not care. She just knew that she should keep the ring to remind her about her husband who left her ten years ago. She knew why.
***
Emily woke up that morning and thought, “Well, what’s next?” She was not the same Emily as the day before. “Morning…” said the ‘husband’ as he yawned and smiled at her. It’s still very weird for Emily to take note then from now one, she will refer to John as her ‘h.u.s.b.a.n.d’. She whispered at his ear, “Did I kick you last night?”
***
Anna put her shoes on the shoe rack.
“Hi Cath!”
Her housemate, Catherine, was washing the dishes. Catherine washed her hands and dried them quickly then ran to Anna. She paused for a second, and whispered, “Anna!”
“Eh…what? Your kids behaved well today and no parents made noise today?”
Catherine shook her head quickly and showed her left fingers to her. Anna noticed the shiny diamond ring and half-screamed, “Catherine!!!! Congrats!!” She hugged Catherine very tight then she stepped back,
“Wowww. When-where-and-how did he propose??”
“Well, don’t laugh, okay?”
Anna nodded but she already giggled even before Catherine explained the story. Catherine took a deep breath,
“At McDonalds this morning!”
“WHAAAT??” Anna burst out laughing. She calmed herself down and asked again, “How come?”
“Well, we met for the first time at McDonalds seven years ago. I ‘found’ him on Friendster. Well, you know, last time we used Friendster. He was my secondary school friend, so I just proposed that we met up that time.”
“Hahaha. I don’t know you are quite aggressive.”
“I’m not aggressive, I was being pro-active. The rest of the chasing part was initiated by him.” 

Anna laughed again, “Well, I’m so happy for you! Looking forward for the wedding invitation. Finally!! My roommate is getting married.” Anna looked at Catherine’s blushing face and smiled. Yeah, she knew how long Catherine has been waiting for this. In Anna’s eyes, Tony, Catherine’s boyfriend – oops, fiancĂ©e – is the typical-young-generation-man. He wanted to build his career first, he wanted to save enough money to buy a car first, he wanted to ‘enjoy life’ whatever it means for him. Catherine was ready for the commitment since 2 or 3 years ago, but Tony was not.
***
Lea put her shoes on the shoe rack.

“Hi Mom.”
“Hi Aunty”. Kim and Anthony, her boyfriend, greeted her at the same time.
“Hi. You eat already?”
“Yup. We went to Holland Vi today and had a Japanese ramen there. Oh Mom, you should try it out next time!”
“Is it that good?”
“Oh well, you have high standard.” She looked at her boyfriend and said in sarcastically, “My ex-dad was a chef and my mom has been waiting for him to come back and cook all of the love recipe again.” Lea was not in the mood to quarrel with her daughter today and not in front of Kim’s boyfriend. She ignored her daughter and walked to her room as Kim said again to Anthony, “You know, sometimes I think my dad must have put some love poison in his cuisine so that my mom does not forget him even after 10 years of neglect.” Anthony felt uneasy and talked softly,
“Kim, don’t talk like that please.”

Lea turned and smiled at the 18-year-old guy. Her lips made a ‘thanks’ then she closed the door behind her.
After a while she had learned not to cry anymore. Her thought flew back to her wedding day, the day when she felt that she was the happiest woman in the world. However, at the back of her mind, she remembered that her mom had told her that love is not a fairy tale or even a Barbara Cartland’s novels in which the husband would kiss the wife and carry her to their bed. 

Lea closed her eyes. She knew that her husband was so special. He was nice, he was kind, and he just adored her. He had also been patient in taking care of Kim and he did not complain about it. However, after Lea’s second unfortunate miscarriage, he changed. The first loss of the baby happened when Lea worked overnight for a few days when she covered the news on election. The second happened after Lea and her husband quarreled when her husband asked her to change her job.

Lea always told herself. It was not only his fault, but it was her fault. There had been so many times her friends asked her to talk to him in the early stage of the problem. There had been so many times her friends asked her to change her job or at least just work part-time, but she just loved her job as a reporter. She indeed enjoyed her work and she thought, “Things will work out well.” She had made mistakes and she did not want to make a new mistake. She did not believe in divorce and if the last things that she could do were to take care of her daughter and forgive her husband and herself, then she let herself do it.
***
Emily’s mom used to say that Emily slept like a ‘fan’. She would turn and turn for one round so that she would kick her mom when she slept with her mom. That’s why the first thing that she asked that morning was whether she had kicked her husband. 

One week before their wedding, Emily had prepared a list of weird things that might surprise John.
1. I have OCD-like-symptom that all hangers must be hung in the same direction
2. I hang my undergarment in the bathroom in the evening till the next day before I hang it somewhere else
3. After my alarm rings, I will wake up and move to sofa to sleep again for 15 minutes
4. I kick people when I sleep, beware!

John insisted that she should stop at point 4, so that “I do not call off the wedding because of other weird things that you do.” 

Apparently that morning Emily did not move to the sofa. One of the reasons was the bed in the hotel felt so nice and comfortable and she enjoyed staring at John sleeping next to her. She wished every day would be like this, but they could not. They had limited budget, so they would only stay in that hotel for one night and that very day they would move to John’s parents’ house. Their unit would only be done two years from now because the government only started to build the new unit after they were engaged. They did not have enough money to make down payment earlier because both of them pursued their Master’s immediately after graduation and they refused to wait until their unit is constructed to get married. 

That evening Emily ‘officially’ moved to John’s parents’ house. She read the paper pasted next to the lift and smiled to John.
“Well, my wife would kill me if I ever lost my wedding ring,” said John calmly.
“No la. My husband is more precious than the ring mah.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Mr John. Stop forcing me to say sweet things, you’ll have diabetes later.”

***
Singapore, 14 February
Anna looked at the lift in front of her and told Peter, “Oh no. The paper’s gone! Maybe no one claimed the ring.”
“Hahaha. It’s okay. Maybe the owner has claimed the ring already.
“Or maybe the guy has bought new ring already because he wanted to propose the girl on Valentine’s Day.”
***