I feel very sad

I can't recall when was the last time I cried a lot like last night.
I can't recall when was the last time I cried a few times in a day.
Thanks to the rain too! It's a perfect weather to cry
Last week I cried because I felt tired.
But last night I cried because I just feel sad..I feel very sad.
and alone..
It's even more sad to think that I have the opportunity to think that I am A.L.O.N.E

I just feel very sad...

A Relaxing Weekend

@Dom: Yes, Thank God last week I had a super-relaxing weekend :D

Last Sunday, I went to Cathedral with Sharmini, a friend from Speech Therapy program. After that, we went to my house and cooked together. I tried to cook "muntahu", combination of silk tofu and minced meat. However, last week I used egg tofu instead of silk tofu. Hahaha. It was like half-"sapo tahu" and half-"muntahu".

Sharmini was so nice! She really let me to try cooking in my own way, she encouraged me, "It's okay. You're the chef today!" I was soooo happy. It took us 1hour 20 minutes to cook 'only' "muntahu" and stir-fried kangkung, but it was really an achievement for me. Next time, I should added maizena (corn-flour) too! So yeah..I had a good chat and a good meal with Sharmini. After that I mopped the living room and the kitchen.

Monday was public holiday. I went to Paul's house to make beef burger. I couldn't flip the beef! Hahaha.. Then Paul's mom taught me how when we fry the mushroom, we shouldn't add oil and we must make sure there's no water on the frying pan.
After that we went prawning. It was my second time prawning and I didn't get any prawn!! :( Paul got 2 prawns and I sent the picture of the prawn to my mom (thanks to whatsapp!) then she replied, "Last time ur dad caught a lot!" Last night when I skype with mom, I realized how different it is to prawn in Singapore and in Taiwan. She said that in Taiwan, they keep adding the prawns to the pond!!! So nice right??

After prawning, we went to Ferdy's place for a karaoke! So few of us.. But it was very fun!!! Hahahaha..

The good thing about working is I don't need to do homework on weekends! hahahaha.
Yeay!!!! :D
The sunshine is back :P

Pride

Well, I didn't realize that I had this problem until about 3-4 weeks ago, I talked to my spiritual director about my bad habit of "being-defensive-when-someone-corrected-me". Fr said, "It is called pride." My mom also has mentioned a few times that I will never want to be in the wrong position.

I found it very difficult to acknowledge my mistake. My first reaction will be "a-typical-unhappy-face". Secondly, I will try to find excuses (this one also I just realized about it). Until now, I find it very difficult to accept my mistakes, to accept my defects, and to say sorry 'easily' and just move on.

For now, every time I fall again to this thing called pride, I try to ask God to lift me up and I try to see myself as a little kid. I need help and it's okay to fall and let God help me to get up.

Below is a quotation from The Furrow that struck me:
 Allow me to remind you that among other evident signs of a lack of humility are:
—Thinking that what you do or say is better than what others do or say;
—Always wanting to get your own way;
—Arguing when you are not right or — when you are — insisting stubbornly or with bad manners;
—Giving your opinion without being asked for it, when charity does not demand you to do so;
—Despising the point of view of others;
—Not being aware that all the gifts and qualities you have are on loan;
—Not acknowledging that you are unworthy of all honour or esteem, even the ground you are treading on or the things you own;
—Mentioning yourself as an example in conversation;
—Speaking badly about yourself, so that they may form a good opinion of you, or contradict you;
—Making excuses when rebuked;
—Hiding some humiliating faults from your director, so that he may not lose the good opinion he has of you;
—Hearing praise with satisfaction, or being glad that others have spoken well of you;
—Being hurt that others are held in greater esteem than you;
—Refusing to carry out menial tasks;
—Seeking or wanting to be singled out;
—Letting drop words of self-praise in conversation, or words that might show your honesty, your wit or skill, your professional prestige...;
—Being ashamed of not having certain possessions...
( http://www.escrivaworks.org/book/furrow-point-263.htm)

Have a blessed Sunday! :)

cloudy day

I hope I can blame this up and down of emotion to my hormone. Maybe my period is coming. I don't know.

but I feel very tired....

today I jumped here and there once I walked out of office cos I thought "yeay! weekend" then I was humming along the way
then I went for Mass then I felt a bit sad..
then I "forced" myself to go dinner to Holland Vi (first time joining the CSS people for dinner), had a good chat with David from Mauritius.
then the bus took very long to come to serangoon mrt
then I reached home 11pm alr

I'm tired

I'm supposed to go climbing tmr, but now I don't have mood. I thought I want to go climbing cos today I felt fresh already after 7 hours of sleep last nite, but now I feel tired again.
This week, my days were literally GONE.
I feel very selfish, but my goodness...I really don't have time for myself this week.
Even though I was busy in hall, I still had time for myself.

actually yesterday after I listened to evi's story, I feel quite lucky.. My work is not THAT hectic.

I think I'm just too slack these 2 months since I came back from India
I'm not used to "having-something-to-do-almost-every-day"
it's just crazy..
it's never ending..
and all of them are one stuff!
at least in hall I could dance la, choir la, or what la...

I'm tired...

I thought I'm okay already...
but I think I'm still "shocked'
it's difficult  u know. It's difficult not to have self-pity...
these 2 months I've been "slacking"

I'm really tired.......................................................................

See How

If there are two words that I hate, these are "See How". In Indo we often say "liat sikon(situasi dan kondisi)" which means "see the situation and condition". I've often experienced people responding by saying "See How", for example, when I invited people to watch NUANSA, they often said, "See how", when I invited people for Legion meeting, some like to say "See how". Most of the time, this situation ended up as a "No". I also have this stereotype that when someone says "See how", it means that "I'm 90% sure that I'm not interested in this thing, so I'll only come if situation permits (which usually does not permit because this thing is not in the list of priority".

Receiving an answer "See how" when we invite someone for an activity is still 'acceptable' (though sometimes we reach the point of frustration too!). However, receiving an answer "See how" from your closest friends or from your family can be quite depressing because you might start to question, what is your importance to them? It hurts!!

Sometimes I feel that I have been treating God with "See how" mentality. Only after I was treated with "See how" mentality then I realize how bad this mentality is. Sometimes I do my prayer or spiritual reading ONLY IF I have time, ONLY IF I remember to do it. It's very sad right? Last time I always told my catechism kids in Indo, "If you are naughty, God will feel sad..." People always say that God wants us to talk to Him. I love Him and I want to spend time with God. If I treat God with "see how" mentality, something is going wrong. I must try harder and ask for His grace to enable me to be willing to sacrifice more.

Second week of August.
have a blessed Sunday! :)

August!

@Nic, Pril, Nyz: Same title with my Indonesian blog, but don't worry it'll be a different story.

I've found my dream book last night. My dream book is the book that I use to write my resolutions and dreams. I have used this book since 2008. I couldn't recall whether I wrote it on new year's eve last year, but when I found the book last night, I put it on the table, ready to write it for second-semester-of-2012's resolution.

I thought I could start another research project this month, but the grant money has not been approved, so I should wait till next month till I can work on this project for my Monday. I started to read my Chinese 3 textbook, but I felt distracted after a few minutes! Aaaaaaaargggh!

Let me share with you what happened so far between 19 July - 6 August. Hahaha.

On Saturday, I attended a workshop on "Encouraging Spontaneous Language in Children with Autism". It is very hard for children with autism to initiate conversation and the parents are longing to listen to the children trying to start a conversation and desire to share their experience with the parents. After attending the talk, I went to Plaza Singapura and saw the aquarium exhibition. I saw a little kid (I think around 3 years old) pointed the fish and talked something to the mother and the mother just played with her phone. I felt soooo sad. It's so ironic. Many parents out there are longing for the children to interact with them, but here some parents ignore the children who want to interact with them.

Last Sunday I saw a man with a walking difficulty crossing the road near my house. The road is not wide, but the man has not finished crossing the road when the light that indicates that "it's time to cross now" went back to red. I guess it's a small little thing, but I do think that a lot of infrastructure in Singapore is still not friendly towards people with physical disability. During NUANSA preparation, when me and Helen tried to carry a pack of magazines from SIF using a wheeled-office chair, we went through the route for wheel-chair users and it was sooo long and confusing.

Two Saturdays ago I went climbing with Krizia, Paul, Ci Yaya (my roommate), Ci Yaya's friend, Frank (my housemate), and Frank's wife. It was sooo fun. Hahaha. The first time Ci Yaya belayed me, I was quite scared to fall because I has not trusted her. But after a while, I gained confidence in her and tried the difficult route when she belayed me. Hehehe. Some parts of my left palm became very rough (anyway, my skin is not smooth hahaha), and a bit peeling off.

I went to drink white beer with Ci Yaya and her friend after the climbing. Quite nice :p Initially I didn't like beer (I prefer wine :p), but actually it is not bad. My mom was surprised when I went back in December 2011 because I could drink wine (I shared a glass of wine with my dad). I used to have a stereotype that people who drink are bad people! Hahaha. Now I know that it's the matter of temperance. Any excessive activities are not good! Drinking in moderation is okay (don't worry, it's not a hobby for me :P). The good thing about it is I think drinking can be a nice way to chillax with your dad!! When my parents came here, we went to a pub in Clarke Quay and had a drink. My dad ordered "Shangria" (how to spell??). I loved it! hahaha..

A few weeks ago when I was distracted during work, I browsed NUS Website for the master's programme. Ahhh I really miss school. I found out that there is a scholarship for Master's coursework program in Southeast Asian Studies, but at this moment, I really want to finish my three-year-tuition grant bond first.

Yesterday I went baking cookies with legionaries! To be honest, initially I was quite lazy (I can't bake!!), but yesterday was very FUN!! It's been a long time since the last time we had fun together. Hahaha, so I really really enjoy yesterday's baking+watching Olympics+watching DVD on Catholicism series :P (Thanks to Dom and Eugene!!)

What else?
ahhh...for those who read my blog, my life is not only a happy life :P It's just that it's difficult to express sadness in English. Hahaha. I actually cried twice this week :P HAHAHA..But nevermind, the key is to get up again :):) Bouncing!! like basketball :)

Have a great week ahead :)