The pressure that shouldn't be a pressure on marriage

One of my close friends just turned 26! We have known each other since we were nine, so every time any of us celebrates birthday, this sentence keeps repeated "17 still feels like yesterday", or "when we were high school .... but now ..."

The popular wish on every birthday celebration is "may your relationship with your boyfriend last long and may you quickly get married". I guess it is because we still live in the idea that at the age of 25, we should start preparing ourselves to get married. Didn't our parents conceive us when they were 25?

I believe that dating or engagement shouldn't be prolonged unnecessarily. At the end of the day, the purpose of dating is to get to know each other and to prepare for marriage. However, knowing my circumstances, I have come to the acceptance that I am one of those couples that do not want to prolong dating unnecessarily, but circumstances do not allow us to do so.

Here are some thoughts of things that shouldn't be a pressure on how quick you should get married (credits to my boyfriend - these are fruits of our discussion or quarrels sometimes =P):

1. Your age or your boyfriend's age

My boyfriend is six years older than me. When I go back to Indonesia, people look at him as someone who should have kids by his age. The funny thing is even when we were just attached for a few months, once the neighbors saw him they started asking my mom, "Don't forget to send the invitation!" disclaimer: I don't mean that he looks old =P

We shouldn't get married just because I am turning 26, or just because I am already 40.
We need to have the maturity. On the other hand, we shouldn't expect ourselves to be perfect before marriage (eg wait until I am not stubborn anymore!), but we should least work towards what kind of person I want to be, regardless of my relationship status.

2. How many pre-wedding or wedding photos you have seen on your facebook newsfeed

There is a point of time when your facebook newsfeed will be full of your friend's wedding photos once every two months. Perhaps it makes us wondering if it is the time for us too to get married.
However, each couple is different.

I have friends who are engaged less than a year after they got together. When I see that they have been working together on themselves, having an open communication with each other, and most importantly, they have agreed on the fundamental values (faith, ideas about children, and ideas about marriage), I literally jumped up and down happily when they broke the news. I also have other close friends with similar dating period and get engaged, yet I do not have the same reactions because I know they have not agreed on some things or they are pressured by other things. For example, if they are Chinese, some of their parents still look for specific good dates that bring good luck. I have seen cases in which the marriage was quickened much faster until they are willing to let go the spiritual preparation.

3. For Singapore case, your public housing down payment

In Singapore, you need to be at least engaged before applying for a public house. Then you need to produce your marriage certificate by the time your house is ready (2- 3 years).

However, there are cases in which couples realize that the partner is not the Mr or Mrs Right, but because they already make down payment, they still continue with the marriage.

Because of these reasons, I have learnt to stop wishing my friends "May you quickly get married". I don't want to be the pressure on my friends who may not even be sure if their partners are the Mr Right. I have learnt to stop asking, "When will you get married?" or "Are you getting married soon?" whether they are 30+ or 25 because even if they plan to get married, it is very tiring to keep answering your friends the reasons of not doing so soon. On the other hand, if I know they are still struggling in some issues or if they are still contemplating if they are meant for each other or if they are called for marriage, I prefer to discuss other topics that can help us to prepare ourselves better.

Honest thoughts about Natural Family Planning (NFP)

I first heard about NFP when I was in my first year in university. In Legion of Mary meetings, my seniors often shared about how they explained to their friends about the Church stand on abortion, and sometimes it's easier to explain why abortion is wrong than why contraceptive is wrong. I also used to wonder whether it is truly possible for a married couple to not use artificial contraceptive.

I think there was a point of time when I bumped into this blog through my friend. Since then, I started to enjoy blogwalking these mommies' blog. I learned a lot about the true meaning of marriage, of sacrifice, and the beauty of the crosses in various forms in family life. I also slowly get to know married couples who do practice NFP in the real life.

I think these couples really impress me. The thing is the more I read and pray about these issues, the more I realize that NFP is not something that can be prescribed easily like a pill. It is under the big umbrella of understanding what marriage is and  how to deepen our spiritual life.

Therefore, as next year I will 'hit' the age of 25, there is more sense of urgency in me to challenge my friends and create a sense of urgency in them. Those who are engaged are busy preparing their logistics and decorations. With one off explanation (3-days-2-nite experience in Engagement Encounter), I have met quite a large proportion of friends who only heard about the church teaching on artificial contraceptive for the first time during the session. Some think that not using artificial contraceptive is 'impossible', or 'by right,the church says ...but I think it’s impossible to practice NFP.’ 

Honestly...I think all good habits are difficult to pick up. It's very hard to say that "God has a plan" if we are not used to finding out God's plan in every moment. We think that Sunday Mass + 10minutes prayer before going to bed is all that we need. We are poisoned by the idea of ownership of our body is equal to 'I can do whatever I want'. We grow up thinking that it's so 'natural' that after we are married, we can do 'whatever we want'. From my observation, that it seems that only a small percentage of dating or engaged couples truly understand up and down, in and out, about the implication of saying that marriage is a vocation (and I’m very grateful that there are still small percentage of people who do understand about this).

Nevertheless, I do believe that God has his own time. Even though I feel sad that quite a lot of friends entering marriage with the thought that ‘as long as I get the certificate of completion of Engagement Encounter or Marriage Preparation Course à I’m ready to get married’, I believe that it’s never too late to grow deeper in understanding of God’s plan in marriage. For many people, it’s through the children God converts the parents. As I’m trying to put myself in their shoes, I can’t deny that the pressure to have a big banquet in this region is really high, that as much as the young (and  without-much-money *duhh, raise my hand up!*) couples have a good intention to prepare a marriage, not only a wedding, there’s a real challenge in struggling to please parents and big families and save money for the house (that won’t even be ready in 3 years, in Singapore case!), that it’s really hard to focus on the marriage preparation.

Anyway, back to the title, I think we, as young and not-married-yet ladies, have lots and lots of homework to do. Isn’t it so natural for us to talk about relationships and families? The challenge now is to bring up the supernatural aspect of these natural topics for us in our conversations. It’s never too early to know about the beauty of our vocation and to ask our priests or friends that can be trusted if we are not sure.

7 Quick Takes Friday - vol.40

- 1 -

I'm very grateful that I took a very detail notes about my internship in India three years ago. When I was copied my notes about my trip to Udaipur in this blog, I still felt the excitement of staying in Udaipur even though it was only for one night. Surprisingly, suddenly I also received an invitation for a gathering of NOC India alumni (NUS Overseas College - the entrepreneurship program that I joined in 2011) next Thursday. I'm looking forward to meeting them again!! =)

- 2 -

My boyfriend shared with me this video about body language.

The reason he sent me this video was firstly, he studies animal behavior, particularly animal communication, so this video inspired him to do a better research. Secondly, I often used that phrase "I'm not supposed to be here" or "it's not me" every time he suggested something good for me =P

- 3 -

Yesterday I attended a Mass in honor of St. Josemaria Escriva. The celebrant, Archbishop William Goh, gave a very beautiful homily on marriage and family. It was really beautiful. Quoting St. Josemaria, he reminded us about the importance of building friendship with children and helping children to be virtuous children. Umm, I know, it sounds cliche and common thing to be told for parents, but seriously, in Singapore the problem of high competition among young children (or parents?) and over-enthusiastic parents to make sure their kids get all As and "well-rounded" (equal to sending them to many tuition classes and enrichment centres) has pushed the agenda to help children to be virtuous to the bottom of priority list.

- 4 -

Currently reading:



A good reminder of prayer, spirit of poverty, detachment, and mortification =)

- 5 -

This Sunday will be my first training to prepare my body (and to practice perseverance) for the Way of Santiago in September!

- 6 -

Two weeks ago, my friends invited a counselor and a lecturer to share about the most frequently asked question: to work or to pursue further study?

It's very comforting to know that there will never be "too late" for a further study. The current trend of pursuing graduate study immediately upon graduation without knowing why we do it, unlike those who have decided to be an academia, has created a little bit of anxiety or fear in me sometimes. The question that I often get is "When are you doing Master's?" rather than "What do you want to specialize in?" or "What's your career plan?", which I think an important question that I need to answer before pursuing graduate study.

- 7 -

I know it's a bit too late to share about this, but I can't help it! Last month my friends invited the author of Star Sapphire to share about her story as a novelist. This book won a High Commendation Award from the Book Development Council in 1986. It turns out that the author was a legionary (member of Legion of Mary) before! I was really amazed by her apostolate as she shared with us how she exchanged letter with her favorite author (sorry I forgot the name!) who was a lapse-Catholic. This lady even sent a Miraculous Medal to this guy (truly Legionary!). My first thought when I was listening to her was, "I should tell this story to my friends in Legion of Mary!" I don't know how to describe it, but there is this zeal of doing apostolate whenever and wherever she is (even through her novel), which I think is really a mark of a Legionary =) I will share with you about the novel after I finish reading it ^^



More quick takes at Jen's blog! =)

Hold my hand

I'm always struck by the scene of elderly couple. This morning, as I was crossing the road to Church, an elderly man gave his hand to his wife to help her as they crossed the road together.
Another time in the same church, I saw another elderly man, had difficulty in walking, but he himself pushing the wheelchair of his wife. He also tried to help his wife sit in the pew. After the Mass ended, he was helping his wife to transfer to wheelchair again, and this time some other parishioners were helping them.

It's amazing. I've never known how long they have been together, yet you could see the love in each of them.
It's just so beautiful, and as I see them, I pray for other young married couples to be granted the graces to persevere in their calling. Truly these grandparents have been true witness of faithfulness and True Love without even realizing it :)

Marriage: a permanent reminder of Cross - how about...courtship???

Spouses are therefore the permanent reminder to the Church of what happened on the Cross; they are for one another and for the children witnesses to the salvation in which the sacrament makes them sharers. Of this salvation event marriage, like every sacrament, is a memorial, actuation and prophecy: "As a memorial, the sacrament gives them the grace and duty of commemorating the great works of God and of bearing witness to them before their children. As actuation, it gives them the grace and duty of putting into practice in the present, towards each other and their children, the demands of a love which forgives and redeems. As prophecy, it gives them the grace and duty of living and bearing witness to the hope of the future encounter with Christ."(32) (The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, Familiaris Consortio, Pope John Paul II, 1981

Again, I think courtship is a training ground.

If one only expects courtship to be easy and smooth, urgh, that's it.
However, if one stays in a relationship even though he or she "can't love" his or her partner, oh well, I don't think it's healthy too.

My question, what if you don't have the concept of "Cross"?

How do you go through courtship if even though your partner doesn't go to the extreme of expecting a fairytale, he or she just doesn't get it that it takes TWO (in fact THREE) to get to know each other and to prepare for marriage?

How do you go through courtship if your partner stops at the point of "knowing each other" but unwilling to change?

So...I'm that person.. =D *peace*

For those stubborn people out there, we can do a hi-five. Please tick if you think either one of these points:
1. If I change, I'm not myself anymore.
2. You love me? This is ME!!
3. I want to be better, but I'm scared I don't recognize myself after I change
4. Why can't you understand my circumstances?
5. I acted A, but I intended B. Can't you please understand my intention?

So...after that meeting with couple Bernard&Ying to prepare for the Faith and Reason forum organized by Legionaries, I was so touched when Mrs Ying said, "You know what? Marriage is a permanent reminder of the cross. Isn't it beautiful?"

Yes, it's hard to change. It's humiliating. It's painful. It's just...not me..

But it's normal to change.
Doesn't a mother change too? She has her personality, but somehow she changes after she has three children, compared to when she was dating.

It's a maturity process. and it's...

hard.

but there's always hope.

If you don't train NOW, during courtship, then that's it.
But, it doesn't also mean that you expect your partner to change IMMEDIATELY. His defect now will still be more or less the same with his defect 10 or 20 years from now =P So if he's the one, pray that you have the strength to accept him too. To love, is a love without condition. There's no such thing like "I love you IF you a) b) c)". Love is.. "I don't like your c) d) e), I accept you, but let's struggle together to grow together"

<3 p="">
---dedicated to my mom, who has shown me how she showed me example on this 'permanent-reminder-of-the-cross' ----
 

Marriage is a permanent reminder of the cross

Two weeks ago, I went to a couple's house for a preparation for Faith and Reason forum on Church and freedom to love. This couple is a doctor-lawyer couple. The husband is a doctor and the wife is a litigation lawyer. Well, I have heard that they have 6 kids, but experiencing the warmth of the family and the cheerfulness of the couple+the 6 kids in our first meeting was really a special experience for me. Some of the things that the couple shared in the Faith and Reason forum last Monday have been shared by them in the preparation meeting, but there are some stuff that were not shared in the forum, one of which was this post title.

Well, the couple did mention that the true love is a self-giving love. In the meeting, actually it happened after the meeting, when me, Eugene, and Sr Jocelyn were about to leave, the wife said, "Learning theology has helped me to understand the technical terms that we have actually already understood in our life." One of these "terms" is "Marriage as a permanent reminder of the cross." Why? So the lady explained that A sacrificed himself so that B is redeemed, just like how we are redeemed by Christ's crucifixion. I was so amazed and uplifted after I heard that. Isn't that beautiful? B is redeemed to be a better person through A's sacrifice. It happens over, over, and over again. No wonder marriage is a vocation, and it's not surprising that it's a difficult path too.

Of course when it comes to the practice of this 'theory', it's very tough to persevere. To keep hurting your partner hurts you too. To keep sacrificing yourself? Wahhh.. so tough!! But when I remember this sentence, I get a hope and I really think this reality of marriage as 'not a fairytale' is really really beautiful.