The pressure that shouldn't be a pressure on marriage

One of my close friends just turned 26! We have known each other since we were nine, so every time any of us celebrates birthday, this sentence keeps repeated "17 still feels like yesterday", or "when we were high school .... but now ..."

The popular wish on every birthday celebration is "may your relationship with your boyfriend last long and may you quickly get married". I guess it is because we still live in the idea that at the age of 25, we should start preparing ourselves to get married. Didn't our parents conceive us when they were 25?

I believe that dating or engagement shouldn't be prolonged unnecessarily. At the end of the day, the purpose of dating is to get to know each other and to prepare for marriage. However, knowing my circumstances, I have come to the acceptance that I am one of those couples that do not want to prolong dating unnecessarily, but circumstances do not allow us to do so.

Here are some thoughts of things that shouldn't be a pressure on how quick you should get married (credits to my boyfriend - these are fruits of our discussion or quarrels sometimes =P):

1. Your age or your boyfriend's age

My boyfriend is six years older than me. When I go back to Indonesia, people look at him as someone who should have kids by his age. The funny thing is even when we were just attached for a few months, once the neighbors saw him they started asking my mom, "Don't forget to send the invitation!" disclaimer: I don't mean that he looks old =P

We shouldn't get married just because I am turning 26, or just because I am already 40.
We need to have the maturity. On the other hand, we shouldn't expect ourselves to be perfect before marriage (eg wait until I am not stubborn anymore!), but we should least work towards what kind of person I want to be, regardless of my relationship status.

2. How many pre-wedding or wedding photos you have seen on your facebook newsfeed

There is a point of time when your facebook newsfeed will be full of your friend's wedding photos once every two months. Perhaps it makes us wondering if it is the time for us too to get married.
However, each couple is different.

I have friends who are engaged less than a year after they got together. When I see that they have been working together on themselves, having an open communication with each other, and most importantly, they have agreed on the fundamental values (faith, ideas about children, and ideas about marriage), I literally jumped up and down happily when they broke the news. I also have other close friends with similar dating period and get engaged, yet I do not have the same reactions because I know they have not agreed on some things or they are pressured by other things. For example, if they are Chinese, some of their parents still look for specific good dates that bring good luck. I have seen cases in which the marriage was quickened much faster until they are willing to let go the spiritual preparation.

3. For Singapore case, your public housing down payment

In Singapore, you need to be at least engaged before applying for a public house. Then you need to produce your marriage certificate by the time your house is ready (2- 3 years).

However, there are cases in which couples realize that the partner is not the Mr or Mrs Right, but because they already make down payment, they still continue with the marriage.

Because of these reasons, I have learnt to stop wishing my friends "May you quickly get married". I don't want to be the pressure on my friends who may not even be sure if their partners are the Mr Right. I have learnt to stop asking, "When will you get married?" or "Are you getting married soon?" whether they are 30+ or 25 because even if they plan to get married, it is very tiring to keep answering your friends the reasons of not doing so soon. On the other hand, if I know they are still struggling in some issues or if they are still contemplating if they are meant for each other or if they are called for marriage, I prefer to discuss other topics that can help us to prepare ourselves better.

Forever pressure cooker

Sometimes I feel that the things that have been going on around me and people around me this year are a forever-pressure-cooker. At some points of time, I feel like just screaming to God, "can you give me a break?'' Oh well...perhaps there were breaks, happy moments and so-called peaceful moments without any pressure, but there are times like now which made me feel that the environmental factors around me and my significant other were just constant triggers of stress. When I look forward, what I see is also only another trigger of stress.

After his PhD thesis, there is conference. After conference there is another waiting period of job hunting, and from my side, I am adjusting to my pay-cut from the previous job. I've never felt this motivated to take note of every single cent spent from my salary.

Of course of course there are many positive things and so-called roses, but even though I am not in a research job anymore, the stress of my previous boss now kinda shadowed me. That's' the life of academia no? First, stress to finish your degree. Second, job hunting is not easy. Third, even if you get an academia job, the high pressure of publishing in peer-reviewed journal. I remember those days when my colleague ran one after another statistical analysis, and wrote one after another draft of manuscript. And those days when my previous boss replied emails at 2 or 4am, yet she was still very energetic during work time!

Oh well, the good thing (aha! I see the roses now), at least I've been there before. I don't feel so stupid and clueless about my boyfriend's job and stress. Nevertheless, accepting that this is part of my life too and seriously being cool about it in high-stress moments sometimes do not happen together. I just need to pray and remind myself that 'things get better over time' despite a constant knocking on head ''haha..this will happen at least for the next 5-7 years'' (the most stressful period is when people do postdoc and when they are still assistant professors).

Anyway, tomorrow my preschool has national day celebration! Yeay! Hoping for a good weather.

Bottled sunshine needs a little bit of sunshine. It's been rainy two days ago and yesterday. Instead of singing 'How is the weather today?', our class sang 'rain rain go away' :p  Oh the topic of last week's formation class was on cheerfulness! Luckily! =D

How to talk to a defensive person!

Well, I hope this post is useful for people who have defensive / stubborn girlfriend/boyfriend =) I have a serious problem with stubbornness and according to my mom, this has been a problem since I was really young. When I was younger, I used to frown so bad till my mom called me 'bimoli' (in Indonesian: bibir monyong 5 cm = literally means 'lips come out 5cm long'). Super-ugly! When my grandma scolded me, I would reply her in a rude manner and asked, "Why? Why?" and my mom used to put chili around my mouth to remind me that it's not a proper way to respect the elders.

Sadly, I still have this problem. As it takes so long to change, here are some tips on how to deal with this type of person. If your girlfriend/boyfriend shows black face when she/he is corrected, finds thousand excuses, and worst....doesn't even realize that he/she is being defensive, welcome to the club of my boyfriend!

http://www.ninjagym.com/level-3/low-defensive-stance/

So here are some facts about stubborn and defensive person and how to talk to her/him.

1. "You don't understand...."

Sounds familiar?
Yes, we love to emphasize on the circumstances, rather than the problem at hands. Therefore, try to sandwich your correction in the middle of compliments =P it helps to make the person feels a bit more relaxed and more opened to your correction

2. "Why you said it in that manner/moment/time?"
Everything seems wrong. You talk to her in a good time, she'll say you ruin her good mood. You talk to her in bad moment, she'll say you don't understand her difficult time. Yes, it's very frustrating.

I don't think there's a solution for this. Even if you are not harsh, she'll still finds it annoying. So I'd suggest that the only way is to be as gentle and charitable as possible, so she can't complain about the manner you say it. Try to take note of the quantity of your corrections too, so she can't blame you of 'correcting too many things'. =P One simple way is to talk about general things (usually the 'many' problems root under one big theme), and give example with one small real problem. Prompt her to ask other examples too. =)

3. "I've tried...."
and other excuses.."I'm tired", "but..."

hhhhh...
yes, excuses.

Well, I'm not sure whether it works for guys, but girls need constant assurance. The problem is, it's hard to comfort / assure the girl if he is in annoyed mood or frustrated situation. Whenever possible, try to show that you appreciate her effort, you've noticed how she's changed, but.. tell her that she can be a better person and everyone constantly needs to improve :) Every time I quarrel with my boyfriend about this, my evil thought is "No, you don't understand, you don't notice that I've tried,", and so on and so forth. After talking to each other, I realized that I'm wrong. He noticed the goodness in me, BUT of course I still can improve. And I'm really touched when he says that he wants me to change for my own self too.

So what to do? How to talk or what are the first-aid-kits to deal with a stubborn partner?

1. Encourage her to talk about this issue (including the 'little' trigger of the stubbornness) to her spiritual director (or a mutual friend that both of you trust if she doesn't have any!)
Talking to a third person makes her see a different perspective.
Honestly, I really think that lots of graces come from spiritual direction.

2. say, "I love you!!!"
It's hard. yes, I know it's hard to say those three words when she's in her super-ugly-stubborn-mode
but the thing is, this defensive person is worried, scared, and insecure when she realized that she has stuff that she needs to improve (yes, pride!!) So saying those three words assure her that she won't be abandoned because of her defects :)

3. Offer help on how she can improve in the areas
It's really really helpful and she'll feel touched when you offer a solution! :) (not just complain)

4. Try to give her specific examples on how she can react better
In the early stage, when the person doesn't even realize that she is defensive, it's very difficult. I didn't even realize that I showed black face! In order to 'jump' to the ability to 'smile and say thanks', this person sometimes still needs other baby steps or at least needs to be reminded on what other things she can say or do as a better reaction.
e.g.,
"I'll think about it, thanks"
"I'll try to do it next time"

Seriously, sometimes we forget that we can react with those two lines even though it's common sense.

5. let him/her know that you are praying for him/her
At the end of the day, in any conflicts, no one actually intends to hurt the other person. However, we do hurt our girlfriend/boyfriend. When we know that he is hurt, it's painful for us too. The fact that you let us know that you pray for us shows your big heart to accept us and motivate us more to change :)

So yeah...hope it helps!! :)

I'm not sure how much I can change, but I do believe that God will help me to get rid of this pride and stubbornness. :) Do pray for each other ^^

Lessons about faithfulness from my vacation

I really had a great time in Bali :) and I really need to thank my parents for this vacation. It's a great time that I can spend time not only with my family, but also with Paul. I don't believe in traveling only with boyfriend, so I'm very happy that I can travel with him AND my family :)

My mom is the first person who woke up in the morning even during vacation.
Yes, there's no holiday for mothers, and I experienced it again during my vacation. I felt a biit guilty that I don't think I help my mom a lot (well, the most I did was washing dishes and cooking Indomie). My mom was the one preparing tea and bread for Paul!

After the trip, while everyone can take shower peacefully and sleep, my mom needed to handle all the laundry because we would leave for another road trip for our pilgrimage the following day after Bali trip.Well, now I understand why the mommies blogs keep talking about laundry. My mom only has me, my dad, and my brother, but that night she needed to handle the laundry of 5 day-trip. My job was to hang all the clothes up there and as I was hanging them one by one, I was like, "wew...this is a lot!'

During the road trip, sometimes my mom needed to keep awake even though she's very sleepy too because she needed to keep my dad, who took turn driving with my brother, awake. While me? Urgh, I dozed off very fast once the engine started.

Thanks, Mom!

There are lots of things that I need to start learning now. I only need to care about my own laundry now and my own room. Recently, my boyfriend and I have been having discussion about 'appearance'. My default hairstyle is messy hair and my fashion is 'Monday to Friday just be normal, then dress up on weekends'. I find it very difficult to take care of myself (even though it's firstly for myself!!), so now that I look at what my mom has been doing, I am kinda reminded that I really need to wake up. This is my responsibility now, this is a step of practicing the faithfulness to my vocation, not only to run here and there organizing events or meeting friends to talk about God bla bla bla, but also taking care of the little things that will make myself better and make my boyfriend feel loved too at the same time.

My mom, even long before I am attached, had reminded me that I need to take care of myself. Every girl needs to take care of herself. She has to take care of herself too even though she's married my dad for almost 25 years. Citing my friend, wife or girlfriend's ability to look beautiful and well-groomed is the guy's self-esteem too. =P

I guess love is really in the little things :)

Train your man

One thing the lady shared in the talk was the question that she often got from other people: "How to get a good man as your husband?"
Her answer was, "Train your boyfriend to be a good man, a chaste man" and the same thing for the man,"Train your girlfriend to be a good woman, a chaste woman." Hahaha. Now I think about it, it's really true. In fact, courtship is a training ground for couples.

Initially I had this thought, people say the first 6 months of courtship is a honeymoon period, but I was wondering, why the first 3 months of my relationship already felt tough? I was worried that things will get worse, but I consulted my mum and my mum said it's normal that it's tough at the beginning because you are not hiding yourself. The next step is learning how to overcome the problems, accept each others' strength and weakness, and learn to improve yourself. When I heard this lady shared about 'training your man', I remembered what the different priests have been saying about courtship and the importance of self-control. Each person must take responsibility in terms of knowing the limit, it's a struggle together but each should strive to control oneself.

It's tough!!! But it's beautiful to train oneself and train others. It's not only about chastity, but also on other virtues. Well, I would say that you can't "force" your partner to be what you want, but you can help your partner to be a better person. Sometimes something irritates us and our intention of 'changing' our partner might not be purely for the person, but influenced by this thought, "I want him to change because his behavior irritates me." Here the role of prayer comes. It's really helpful to bring your protest to God and He'll let you see what love is and He'll help you to purify your intention.

Train your man or woman!! ^^
and one more thing that I remember from the meeting with the couple, "The third party is important: God."