First of all, I thank God that He made me open my result in the afternoon, so I have the whole morning in a ‘happily-ever-after-mood’. Hahahaha. To be honest, I’m quite upset with my result. There’s a mixed feeling inside my heart. Something like, “I’m upset, but this result is kinda expected.” It’s very hard to score in my psychology modules, so this result is already okay. But the problem is this result today made my overall grade is ‘at-the-border’. Hahahaha. (still can laugh :P)
Anyway, I don’t way to be upset for too long. I just can hope and try my best that my results in my last two semesters will be ‘just nice’. Somehow the result today really makes me considering to work before I’m doing my postgrad study. Sadly, I feel that the result told me that I’m not good enough and I have to do something about it first. It’s not a typical number that you’ll put on the application form. Hahaha.
Anyway, number is always number. Grade will just be a grade. My life is not measured by grade. I do not regret taking tough modules because I have learned lots of things from my modules, especially last semester. The worst grade that I got was in fact an area where I want to work in: Child Abnormal Psychology. It’s quite ironic, hahahaha.
Anyway, this moment is such a perfect moment to keep quiet and reflect. My internet is down (I’m typing on Ms Word now). Now that I’m going to my fourth year, I cannot stop asking myself, what is my calling? What am I supposed to do?
On my last day of exam, I met my favorite prof, Dr Irving and talked about postgrad study. He’s the only lecturer that I can talk to about stuff and even daily life. I would like to talk to a psychology lecturer too, perhaps with my thesis supervisor soon. Dr Irving said, I should consider postgrad study seriously. Doctorate in US will require around 6 years and if I really want to apply this year, I should start preparing myself. He told me to ask myself some questions, such as: “Why do I want to do postgrad?” “Am I ready to graduate with PhD and not well-paid?”
So I ask myself again: why,why,and why. I can be a therapist without clinical degree. I entered NUS with an innocent thought: 4 years undergrad, 2 years master’s, 3 years bond, then go back to Indonesia. However, things are not as simple as that plan. I really want to go to UK (with a trivial reason: I want an adventure, I want to study in a university with a long history, I simply want to experience 2-3 years of my life there). Apparently, most UK universities do not offer master’s degree in clinical psychology, but they offer doctorate level. To be honest, I’ve never thought of pursuing doctorate degree and my mom always commented, “Guys will be scared if you already hold doctorate degree.” Hahaha.
And now I start to want other things. I start to feel that I must be “someone” before I go back to Indonesia, so that I do not end up with frustration. Perhaps it’s a misconception, isn’t it? I really do not care about what degree it is. Hahaha. I just want to go back to Indonesia, set up my own clinical practice in my house (so I can take care of my kids at the same time), do a voluntary work with Gawad Kalinga (or even set up my own NGO – or business(social entrepreneurship)), set up an arts centre so I can teach Indonesian dance, hahahaha. Is it a simple dream? Is it too much? It’s funny right? None of these dreams need doctorate degree, but at least I need master’s in clinical psychology to get license. I was considering doctorate degree at one point of time because I was inspired by Dr. Susan who set up speech and language pathology in NUS and I’m always interested to do something with the education system, but I guess this motivation is not strong enough to drive me to work hard enough.
Okay. Enough for this. I’ll work harder and do my best TODAY JJ Thank God for three years in NUS J
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