The difficulties of accepting God's will

Hello,

We're halfway through 2017!!

Today I'd like to share about the topic of doing God's will. I'm really inspired by people around me whom I've perceived as one who can accept God's will (that can be difficult) cheerfully, like many couples who can't conceive children or couples who have children with certain challenges such as special needs or physical challenges.

However, despite these examples, I (still) find it hard to accept God's will. I try to convince myself that I've been blessed with many many things, yet it's still difficult to accept some of His will.

Have you ever walked in the dark? Recently in the girls' camp with a girls' club, we did a game called the Blindman's Trail. The girls were blindfolded and they formed a long line, with just a few girls who were not blindfolded and they guided the rest of the girls. As a facilitator, my job was just to make sure that the girls did not roll down the stairs or something like that. The girls were supposed to walk quietly, but of course having been blindfolded, it was uncomfortable for them and they were complaining or yelling sometimes (especially when the girls who were not blindfolded tried to trick them).

As a bystander, I was just repeatedly telling them to keep quiet according to the instruction.

However, now I think I kinda now what they felt.

I feel I'm blindfolded now.

In my head, I know that God will lead me to a safe place, yet in my heart, I really feel uncomfortable and I'm tired (even though my job is supposed to be just follow the trail). I heard clearly that God wants me to trust him in the trail, but I felt it's just so tough to accept it.

I don't like it, as much as I want to accept His will, now I'm in a stage of feeling tired and I hope the blindfold will be opened soon.

So what to do?

Again, I'm reminded by the example of Montse Grase that has been mentioned many times during the camp. She accepted God's will cheerfully (she was diagnosed with a bone cancer when she was 17).

Help me, Lord :) Amen!

Quick update!

Hi!

I haven't been writing for quite some time. Oops, four months!!

Some thoughts that I have recently:

***

Next week is All Saints' Day. I talked to my friend about it and said "Don't forget it's day of obligation". My friend said, "Umm, what's the difference, since we've been going for daily Mass?"

That got me thinking. Well, I will try harder to attend Mass on time that day! I feel a bit sad, am I not supposed to try hard to attend Mass on time each day? Anyway, this conversation really reminds me of the advice of someone that I need to think of each Mass that I attend as my last Mass.

***

My colleague went to a medical check-up. Another colleague said, it's for her milestone (to have kids, since she's married now). It may be because I've known quite a number of people who cannot conceive, I talked to my colleague, Oh well.. I don't think it should be seen as a milestone because there are people who get married without thinking much about it just because it's supposed to be a milestone. Also, each child is a gift. Some couples are blessed by not having kids so I would love to see it not as a milestone.

Good news is, my colleague found out that she's expecting! Woohoo! The whole office is rejoicing. We need to pray hard for her and her baby though because our students fall sick easily so the environment is not too good for my colleague.

***

New year is coming soon!
I finally reached the third book of the Lord of the Rings. I've been thinking about this year's happenings since my birthday. It was always a reminder how fast the time flies!

Paul and I have not managed to take our level 2 climbing certification. It's one of my new year resolutions :( However, we have improved a lot this year, we're not as good as our friends yet, but at least now I have more strength to do 6a+ route. I still have problem with slanted wall though. When we climb on Sundays, we observe kids who attend climbing course and try to listen to what their coaches say to the kids so we know the trick to climb some difficult routes. HAHAHA. However, when we try it, we are often not able to follow the same technique as the kids are often stronger than us =P but it's fun!!


My close friend is engaged and she will get married next September. It was a great news and a motivation for me to pray hard for my friend.

***

I've been writing some articles for a  website about dating and marriage. Sigh, I need to improve my writing skills!

***

That's all for now! :) Will try to write more over the long weekend. Yeay!!

The importance of rest - the expensive way to realize it

Last Tuesday, I took my first full day off due to my flu and cough. I felt so guilty because in teaching, there are no spare teachers!

However, I am very happy that I took that day off because I could have a proper rest and I was 90% recovered by the end of the day. The next day when I came back to school, I could work properly, I could sing with the class, and I was at my best.

So if you are one of those who like to force yourself to work even though you are really sick, please consider to rest, for a better work the next day. It's also to be fair for your colleagues and clients that you have, especially if your sickness is very contagious =P

As for me, I hope I take care myself better (I say this every month once I fall sick - too late!).

It's really hard to get seven hour of sleep, but my spiritual director said something that is very good: "It's hard to be spiritually well when we don't have order in the physical sense". Of course there will be times when I won't have enough sleep because of family circumstances, kids, etc. But now at this moment, it's actually possible to have a proper rest if I want to.

Have a great Sunday!!

Another reminder about death

I just found out that another friend in NUS just passed away today because of colon cancer. Few weeks ago, another lady that I know passed away (she was only 40+). I went to her wake and witnessed how strong her family is. She has six children and the youngest is only around 6 years old.
I met her a few times. The last time I saw someone that I have met in her life and then I saw the same person lying in a coffin was my friend's three-month-old baby and my maternal grandma. When I see their faces, the memories just come back to my mind.

How short a life is!

Of course many reflections write about this so many times, yet how hard it is to seriously live as if today is my last day on earth.

When I read a saint's biography, there was a small section on how when they opened this saint's cupboard, he only has a few belongings packed in a tidy way. After I read that section, my mind was like, "Oh man...if I suddenly die, how difficult it is for my landlady to remove tons of my rubbish from my room!" How easy it is to keep saying "tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow'', or to be angry because of little things as there will be a second day to say sorry. Why don't I choose the humblest way of saying sorry immediately?

I suddenly remember the Air Asia accident end of last year. So sudden, so familiar route, and a familiar person lost her life in that accident. It could have been me.

Today, again I am strongly reminded about how near a death could be, and how I wish I could be like my friend, the lady that passed away recently, and the saint, to be ready whenever God calls me.

Sanctity in the pile of laundry

Good morning!!

I have not been writing for the past three months! To be precise, I kinda stop writing since I started working at childcare. I guess one of the reasons is I am quite worried that I accidentally reveal my students' identity through too many descriptions as I talk about my work. Another reason is this job is physically more tiring so I doze off very fast. Hahaha. Perhaps I should write 7 quick takes again to make sure I write regularly.

Anyway, let's do a quick update.

The reason why the title of this post is sanctity in the pile of laundry is because since I worked as assistant teacher, I feel a little bit irony because even though I spend so much time organizing and cleaning the classroom, I sometimes neglect my own bedroom. For example, I would rather browse about teaching ideas than ironing my clothes.

However, deep in my heart I know that my biggest duties at some moments of the week are: 1) ironing my clothes urgently, 2) vacuuming the floor super urgently 3) exercising!! (I had this mentality that I already did exercise during work time hahaha). Every time I attend my spiritual formation and when the topic touches ''the little things'' or ''care for home'', the first thing that comes to my mind is how messy my room is!

The tips for this is to set a specific day to do laundry as most cleaning websites say. I really feel that really helps. I wash my laundry twice a week, and set Sunday morning to iron my clothes. The priest also told me to set a few minutes every day to put order on something in my room even though there are times when I neglect it. At least in those few minutes I can make the condition a little bit better.

Seriously sometimes, the last thing you wanna do is doing the laundry. However, can you believe that it is precisely through the pile of laundry you can sanctify yourselves too? :) 

Forever pressure cooker

Sometimes I feel that the things that have been going on around me and people around me this year are a forever-pressure-cooker. At some points of time, I feel like just screaming to God, "can you give me a break?'' Oh well...perhaps there were breaks, happy moments and so-called peaceful moments without any pressure, but there are times like now which made me feel that the environmental factors around me and my significant other were just constant triggers of stress. When I look forward, what I see is also only another trigger of stress.

After his PhD thesis, there is conference. After conference there is another waiting period of job hunting, and from my side, I am adjusting to my pay-cut from the previous job. I've never felt this motivated to take note of every single cent spent from my salary.

Of course of course there are many positive things and so-called roses, but even though I am not in a research job anymore, the stress of my previous boss now kinda shadowed me. That's' the life of academia no? First, stress to finish your degree. Second, job hunting is not easy. Third, even if you get an academia job, the high pressure of publishing in peer-reviewed journal. I remember those days when my colleague ran one after another statistical analysis, and wrote one after another draft of manuscript. And those days when my previous boss replied emails at 2 or 4am, yet she was still very energetic during work time!

Oh well, the good thing (aha! I see the roses now), at least I've been there before. I don't feel so stupid and clueless about my boyfriend's job and stress. Nevertheless, accepting that this is part of my life too and seriously being cool about it in high-stress moments sometimes do not happen together. I just need to pray and remind myself that 'things get better over time' despite a constant knocking on head ''haha..this will happen at least for the next 5-7 years'' (the most stressful period is when people do postdoc and when they are still assistant professors).

Anyway, tomorrow my preschool has national day celebration! Yeay! Hoping for a good weather.

Bottled sunshine needs a little bit of sunshine. It's been rainy two days ago and yesterday. Instead of singing 'How is the weather today?', our class sang 'rain rain go away' :p  Oh the topic of last week's formation class was on cheerfulness! Luckily! =D

My first bite!!

Hello!

Today marks the completion of my first month in my new job as an assistant teacher in a childcare for children with special needs. Today I got my first bite from an angry child, but today I was also happy to hear a child who usually just echoes sentences spontaneously said "Give it to me" to a friend who snatched his playdough :)

I have not updated this blog because I usually feel super tired after work and because it is a new job, there are so many things to learn! Many things in this job are my first time of doing them. It's my first time changing children's diapers, my first time showering children one after another, and my first time tapping children's backside until they fall asleep.

Every child is unique, whether he or she is a typical developing child or a child with special needs, each child is different. I've never realized this as much as how I realized it now. When I give seven children the same playdough, one likes to make many small balls of it, another one likes to cover her water bottle with it, another one likes to shred it just like he loves to shred papers and drop multiple crayons on the floor, another one likes to roll it, and one likes to put it on his lips (which explains why I make my own playdough using saltdough). Even though in psychology we have learned about many aspects of developmental disabilities, this is my first time experiencing how complex it is! We really need to observe many aspects of the children's development and see how we can help to progress in these aspects, not only their communication skills, but also their motor skills, their sensory needs, their emotional regulatory skills, and so on and so forth.

At the end of the day, the new challenge for me is also to remember that this work is a way to sanctify myself and others, so that I do not only focus on the 'results'. Even if I feel tired by 2pm, or feel happy for a simple 'help me' utterance from a child, the most important thing is this work is done for the glory of God. On another note, I see other children in a different manner now. When I listened to the talkative and energetic niece of my boyfriend, I really smile more because I'm grateful that she can speak and jump around. This job has also helped me in my prayer as I am often reminded about the children during prayer time, now I try to pray for their families too.

I really thank God for this opportunity to journey with these children. :)

Things I wish I knew when I was a teenager

Vacation at home in Indonesia is not complete without cleaning my room. There are always things to throw as I always have a hard time to be detached from memorabilia, clothes, or papers. As I grow old(er), some things lose the value and I manage to reduce them. For example, last year I reduced one-box-per-high-school-year of memorabilia (total of 3 boxes) to one-box-for-3-yeards-of-high-school.

As I read my doodles in my agenda and diary or what other people wrote about me, I came to realize how lucky I am to have known some people now, particularly my spiritual director and people who give me formation classes.

So here they are: list of things I wish I knew when I was a teenager:

I wish I knew earlier...
1. that I can and should attend frequent confession, and that it would give a great benefit for me.

When I was about to receive Sacrament of Confirmation, a priest did tell me that sins are like thorns in the flesh (my last confession before that was in Primary 6!). Thus I somehow knew that I need to attend Confession frequently, but the people around me generally go twice a year and unlike in Singapore, priests do not sit in confessional 15minutes before Mass. I guess it's because of the limited number of priests in parishes in Indonesia.

Furthermore, when I read what people wrote about me, I became more aware on how bad my temperament was (or is to be precise). It's there. It's always been there, just that the manifestations change a bit. When I was primary school, my mom often scolded me and joked a bit that my lips became 5centimeters longer when I showed black face =P Now of course I don't do that kind of thng, but I do show black face when I'm corrected or unhappy with silly little things.

2. that it is important to guard my heart

You know..those silly period when you had crush here and there?
I think I was a bit emotionally attached and wasting too much time dreaming or day-dreaming.
Thankfully my parents never ally with idleness and my brother's and my schedule is always full, but still I would love to know earlier that it is good to not feel too emotionally attached with other people.

3. that I need to know about home-making

I study study study study study and 'only' study when I was teenager.

I am really grateful that at least my mom make sure that I wash my dishes =P but I only iron my own clothes on regular basis in university @.@ (unlike my friend) My own mom is a home-maker since I was 9 years old, so I never despised home-making, but I really little knowledge in home-making skills and need to catch up a lot now. hahaha.

4. that I need to choose good books

I was looking through the books that I read and I realized that I could've spent the time reading better books. I only started reading Indonesian literature such as Pramoedya Ananta Toer's works in university (ironically, through a module called Modern Indonesian Literature in a foreign university!). I didn't know that there were books that were considered 'classics'. My friend is a librarian and when we had garage sale last year, she got the job to select books that were not so appropriate to sell. Some of the titles were actually popular on bookstores and that experience opened my eyes and made me hope that I knew these earlier. Once we organized a discussion on 'how to choose good books'. I really like the explanation that my friend gave. We only have limited time on earth and there are so many good books to read! Why would we waste time to read bad books? Another explanation is similar with our physical health, we try not to eat junk food on purpose. We also obviously do not want to take poison. The same thing works for our mind too. We don't want to poison our mind with books that can be harmful to our mindset.

That's all for now. Hahaha.

Anyway, get up and start again =) Happy mid-year!

the Joy of Easter

Lord, give me back the joy of Easter!

Last night was the first time I attended Easter Vigil in a small parish. Well, it's not like a parish in a small town, but compared to last year and the previous years when I used to go to Cathedral, last night was a special experience. I was so touched to see the godparents put the baptismal gown on the newly baptized.

Since I came to Singapore, I have not really had an attachment to a particular parish. In university, my home and my family is Legion of Mary. Even when I was involved as an assistant catechist for a while in the parish, my priority was Legion of Mary.

In these three years of working, I've also experienced moving house for three times. Furthermore, my weekend schedule was really unpredictable and I really like to use my Sunday to catch up with my friends, so I go according to which Mass timing can be used to accompany friends to Mass or to meet with friends afterwards.

Anyway, the title of this post is the Joy of Easter.

I am so grateful that this Lent was started with a reflection given by the priest to the pre-teens girls, encouraging them to give up something more to our Lord during Lent. Afterwards, the priest said that I could apply what he said to the girls to my own self. Thus, I was really inspired to seriously give up something and pick up something good during this Lent.

One of my resolutions is to arrive 10 minutes early for daily Mass was such a failure. However, I'm still grateful because perhaps without such resolutions, I would still be late more frequently than ordinary days. God also helped me to be early for daily Mass in unique way, such as I was too late for weekday Mass in the nearest parish, but I was much early to reach another parish and I could do my prayer there before Mass. This only happened for a very few times (out of 40 days of Lent!), but because it happened closer to Holy Week, I was really really encouraged and benefit a lot from those special moments in front of Our Lord.

I've also been thinking about the past Easter that I experienced since I graduated from university. Although Easter is supposed to be a season of Joy, I noticed that I created my own problem and cross for Easter Day. Hahaha. Funny right?

Lord, give me back the Joy of Easter.
Please help me to recover the true joy beyond the first joy that you gave me a few years ago.

Thank you.

Happy Easter!! :)

ps. I'm going to eat my french fries today to celebrate Easter. YEAYYYYYYY!!! =D My spiritual director was a bit amazed that I love fries THAT MUCH. hahaha.

When life seems extraordinarily ordinary

Now I'm kinda used to the daily commuting between my house and my office.
Traveling for one hour, gives me not only chance to sleep again *oops*, but also a chance to read novels, work on a little bit of translation, and to think.

It also means that there are moments when I really need to stop because I am down with sore throat and cough (like today).

At these moments, life seems extraordinarily ordinary. You 'just' wake up, eat, work, eat, go home, eat, sleep, etc. Before you can do extraordinary things like let's say...doing parchment craft? The time has shown that it's 10 or 11pm and you'll find yourself 'rushing' to sleep again to make sure you can be 100% awake tomorrow.

Nevertheless, isn't it the reality of this life? That we spend most of our time to do ordinary things, and that the most heroic things to do is to do our ordinary duty extraordinarily well. These are not my words, but the words of many great saints. In the book Mary of Nazareth, the author explained that if most of us do not have chance to do extraordinary things and we don't strive to do our ordinary things well, what's left behind as an offering for God? Thus, our offering is precisely in these ordinary things.

Everyone wakes up in the morning. How about waking up 'on the dot', promptly when the alarm rings? Well, not everyone can do it or at least strive to do it. Thus, it's not an easy sacrifice to wake up on time day after day, month after month.

Most of us go to work every day. How about working without creating distractions for ourselves (e.g., messaging or browsing)? That's the struggle for most of us.

Thus, today's sick leave is a good reminder for me. At times my duty is exactly to rest (even though I don't want to!). At times God's will for me is to stay at home and put order in my room rather than meeting up with a friend and doing apostolate. On another day, God wants me to have dinner with my friend rather than hanging out with my boyfriend.

The constant awareness of presence of God is needed every day, and I need to ask God how I can struggle better in many areas of my ordinary life this year. =)

A reminder about death

It's always mentioned in the prayer books, in recollections, or retreats. Meditations during November particularly talked about 'the Last Things'.

This year has been a surprising year for me. One of the passengers in the missing MH370 is the husband of my housemate's friend. It seems such a far connection. Nevertheless, it was shocking for us because my housemate just attended this friend's wedding  a month before that. One of the passengers in MH17, which was shot down, was my boyfriend's labmate's sister. Thus, he saw his labmate crying in the lab once she heard the news.

I saw the news about the missing Air Asia plane on TV yesterday morning as I was meeting up with my best friends. My first thought was, "Hey, I have lots of friends from Surabaya". I was a bit worried, and one of my friends said that I could check the passenger list. After I reached home in the evening, I still felt a bit restless, so I searched the passenger list. I've never bothered about 'passenger list' after reading a news, but this time, it felt so close. So there I saw my senior's name. I checked her facebook wall and saw people writing posts for her, expressing prayers for her safety.

Another friend posted, "One of the Air Asia passengers is a friend of mine. We are not the closest of friends, yet it hurts, it hurts." It does hurt. The feeling is like a domino-effect. Not only we know her, but we also know her brother and her boyfriend. Even though we just met for a "hi" "bye", I always know her as a senior who is very good in playing guitar. Her smile and our chance encounters came to my mind these three days, and I couldn't help but feel this 'little' pain compared to the pain of her families.

How many times have we really prayed hard for a miracle? For a cause, which doesn't have no other extra alternatives available other than praying? Here's one of the moments when I really feel the urge to really hope for a miracle.

This news is also a reminder for me. I may be used to listen to the message of living each moment well, doing our ordinary duties extraordinarily well, attend Mass as if it's our last Mass, but here and now, it's a real message for me, as someone I know, someone I've talked to, is missing. I don't know my time either and I should live with this awareness every day.

Please pray for the passengers on board and their families.

Pampered!

My office has been moving to Expo in a week. I enjoyed the peace in the new building as our team has our own lab this time, yeay! I also enjoyed the clear and beautiful sky because we are so close to the airport that our buildings and the surrounding buildings are not too tall (see my post in Indonesian language here). Of course, there are many disadvantages of working at a far east area. I realized that I've been too pampered for the past 2.5 years of working.

I'm very grateful that the location of my current house is somewhat in the middle of the city. Therefore, if I take MRT, I only need to spend around 40 minutes on MRT plus a few minutes of walk (total around 1hour). However, I would prefer to take bus after attending morning Mass because the church is not walkable from MRT, and there's a direct bus from the church. The bus ride takes about 1 hour (excluding walking time). It really feels long, though I enjoyed the time praying in the bus, sleeping, and waking up and doing translation work on the ride. Hahaha. So many things I can do in the bus!

Unfortunately, I need to say goodbye to some kind of 'holy land' location of the previous office. My office was only 20minute-bus ride from a church and another 15-minute bus ride from another church plus another 30minute-bus ride from another church! Hahaha. I could choose Mass timing according to how much sleep I had the night before. Now, the nearest church is 30 minutes away and it starts at 6pm, so it's kinda too early because I need to reach office by 8am to be able to leave at 5.30pm. There's another church which has 6.30pm Mass. I attempted to go to that church, and it took almost 50minutes to that church. Anyway, now it's really a high time to be more discipline. I've been too pampered for the past years!! It's as if God is saying now, "Okay, this is real life. Prove your love even though it's inconvenient"

Thank God Christmas is coming. It's really a good start to be more discipline in this Advent =) Counting down for Christmas already! Yeay!!

Brilliant advice from mom

So I asked my mother,

What if you always repeat the same mistakes? How to remember not to do it again?

and she said,

Write down your most common mistakes in a "book of correction"

I think she's brilliant. Not only brilliant, but wise.
Yes, we've been doing examination of conscience. However, because I write down the things in the same book that I used for my prayer inspirations, most of the times I can't retrieve the points when I need them. Recently I also didn't really note down things that God let me see in my examination of conscience.

So my mom's short and sweet whatsapp message really struck me.
I will invest on another small notebook special for examination of conscience, confession, and Spiritual Direction. I guess initially I combine them with prayer journals so I can easily pray about them too (just flip!). However, at moments when you have stumbled so hard, perhaps you need to step back and take even smaller steps, even if it means I need two small notebooks now. Hahaha.

Thanks, Mom! =)

How to be less defensive

Perhaps you have read the post on how to talk to a defensive person. Well, I hope I'm not becoming a blind-person-leading-another-blind-person by writing this post, but here are some suggestions from various people, and particularly my mom =)

Step 1: diagnostic test

Are you 'only' defensive?
Are you 'impulsive' and 'defensive'?
If you are the latter, I would say that the situation is quite chronic *oops, welcome to the club*. Nevermind, keep calm and continue reading.

Step 2: deeper assessment,the "WHY"

For our conversational partner, 'defensive' is just an adjective that is a mixture of pride, stubbornness and resistance to change. However, we as people with defensiveness (I like to think about it as a 'disorder' rather than 'trait') actually have various reasons of being defensive in a different circumstances (or is it only me??)

Perhaps...you feel that you've put an effort and other people do not appreciate your effort?
Perhaps...you just don't like being at the wrong side?
Perhaps...you just hope your conversational partner sees you as a 'good person', a 'perfect' person
Perhaps...defensiveness is your first impulse and you have habits of doing it without realizing it! (especially for the impulsive-defensive combo!)

Whatever your reason is, there is no excuse to be defensive. No excuse. Can you hear that?? NO EXCUSE!!!!!! (I'm screaming!) I capitalized these two words to remind us that yes, we love to find excuses. So let me repeat again, NO EXCUSE!

Step 3: baby steps

My spiritual director has been saying that first, we need to acknowledge it. That's part of us. It may sound contradictory because I refused to call it a "trait". However, we should accept that it is a part of us that can be changed. BUT, it is a lifetime struggle. (yes, it's a lifetime struggle). How old are you? If you are 23 like me, please acknowledge that this problem may still occur perhaps 47 years more from now if you live till the age of 70. And oh...ooops, please remind your future spouse too that this is a part of you too =) too bad! If you are married, citing a speech by my senior's parents, "No refund!"

So what's next?

Well, the root is pride. Many people may have reminded you all types of little practices to practice humility, e.g., focus on other people by praying for others, try to serve others, do things that are inconvenient for you, like eating the food that you like less, and so on and so forth.

Even if you feel that you have don't all sorts of these things and you are still failed,

it's okay. Keep calm and continue reading.

Step 4: newborn steps

So you are still prideful.
Perhaps you are the impulsive-defensive type, you just rebuke first, find excuses first, then you deeply regret later on. Or perhaps you are not impulsive, but you are fully aware and plan your defensive "moves", yet after that you realize you are wrong. I guess the non-impulsive type may have easier way to say sorry easily. Congratulations! =)

While for the impulsive-defensive type, we usually don't say sorry THAT fast, but there are two subtypes of people: a) keep rebuking until you are tired, or b) even if you can't say sorry, keep quiet first.
Unfortunately, some of us are in subtype a.

I don't know.

I really don't know what to do if you are subtype a. It's hard, let's shake hand and please stop pitying ourselves. There's a way, there's always a way.

For subtype b, yes, it's a good step to keep quiet first. ^^ Just remember to say sorry as soon as you have the strength and courage to apologize. Don't worry, it's OK to make mistake, including to make mistake of being defensive.

For subtype a, a few things I can suggest is do "damage control".
damage control 1
Find out your conversational partner's language of apology  (be it boss or girlfriend or boyfriend or parents). It took me soooooo long to realize that my boyfriend's and my own language of apology is totally different! (I didn't even know that there's such thing). You can spend so much time crying, wailing, begging mercy, or saying sorry in thousand ways which you think show a true repentance, yet these things make them feel more sick of you because of this different ways of saying sorry.

I'm serious. It's important to know and notice what do your conversational partner's complain after you are super-defensive and say sorry but things seem still not work out?

damage control 2
Never ever think that you have tried so much yet you failed and your conversational partner doesn't understand your situation or bla bla bla (again, excuses). Never. Once you start playing this in your head, damage control 1 didn't work because there was just no true repentance.

damage control 3
Pray.
Well, I should change it to number 1. To be honest, if you are impulsive-defensive-subtype a (3-in-1 package), you've got a lot of things to pray for. =) Firstly, to keep optimistic, to still be cheerful, even though you don't like yourself being this type and being defensive, yet you know God will help you. Secondly, pray for the person who is affected by your defensiveness. For some people (I say some because each person has different personalities), your defensivenss+impulsiveness+nonstoprebuking really multiply and deepen the wound on them.

damage control 4
let it go, be small.

Just follow what your conversational partner wants, what he or she thinks can relieve the situation a bit, and what he or she thinks will help he or she forgive you.

By theory we know we have been at the wrong side, yet by practice it's still hard to just let go and follow the things that may hurt us too. Think about it as a more intensive training that can remind us to be less impulsive next time (so even though we are 'still' defensive, we will remember at least not to be impulsive)

It's okay.

It's worthwhile =)

When action is required...

I would like to write this post as a reminder for me and for other people who sometimes feel the pinch of the so-called 'sacrifice'.

=)

As my spiritual director says, it is normal to feel the pinch, but don't look back.

I think this is very important. I remember that two years ago, when I said 'yes' to date my current boyfriend, I know my world will be upside down (I thought it is only something that people say in movie or in wedding speech to make things sound sweet, but apparently it's not). My world is literally upside down now, in a positive way.

There was one night, early in our relationship, I was skyping with my boyfriend because he returned to Singapore after a short visit to Indonesia. I was thinking very hard after short and long conversation with my mom, and somehow I reached a conclusion to tell him this one line, "I would like to let go of my dream for you."

It's not easy to say, and it's even harder to do in small moment and big moment.

Fast forward, it's almost been two years of our courtship. Now I really see and feel what that one line means and its impact on me and on both of us.

So when action is required, it's not easy, but it is worthwhile. Yes, it is worthwhile.
I am fully aware of the choice that I have made and the choice that I will make.
So here comes the role of prayer and sacraments, and also spiritual direction. No one, no one can survive without these things. Temptation to look back is there, but how much we want to entertain the temptation is another story. I also believe that eventually God will grant us more graces to be wise in the choices that we'll make, but I need to ask for this grace. I need to tell Our Lord, "Hey, you want me to do this right? But I'm weak, please help me."

When action is required, as a priest told me yesterday, "Ask God to sign the 'contract' " If it's His will, ask Him to 'sign' and things will turn out alright. :)

The hidden star

I guess some of you have heard about this reflection before.

"Where is he who has been born king of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the East, and have come to worship him."

(Mat 2 : 2)

Perhaps at one point, the star that the Three Magi saw had disappeared. Yet this incident didn't become an excuse to give up and turn back.

This hidden star can be a dry moment..

or..just a sense of aimlessness.

It takes lots of faith, hope, and LOVE to persevere,

because the star is still there, yet our pride, or our worries may become a thick cloud that covers the star.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me the star again...

Some thoughts after a book discussion

On Tuesday, I invited my friend to give a presentation about C. S. Lewis' Four Loves. This event was open to students and staff from the university where I am working. As expected, all of the attendees were Christian Protestants, except me and my friend.

We had a very interesting discussion. About the 'building-blocks' of C. S. Lewis' Four Loves. In this book, he talked about affection, friendship, romantic love, and unconditional love. Before talking about these four loves, my friend explained about the 'need-love', 'gift-love' and 'appreciative-love'.

Anyway, the more interesting discussion happened over dinner. They asked us about things like "Why Catholics believe in Purgatory? Isn't Christ's crucifixion sufficient?", about the word "priest and pastor", and also about the Eucharist and transubstantiation. We really had an interesting friendly and deep discussion.

I really wish...that my circle of friends are as interested as the friends who attend the book discussion to know more about our Catholic faith. Sometimes it can be quite disappointing to see some people are 'resistant' about catechism or doctrinal formation (it's not about 'don't care', but 'resistant' in the sense 'against the idea of bringing catechism to community').

Anyway, pray harder :)

Praying for fidelity to our vocation

One of my new year's resolutions is to pray for fidelity to my vocation every day. Well, to be honest, sometimes I forgot about it. However, after what has happened in this past year, I am really reminded that vocation is really a gift from God.

Firstly, it's so beautiful to see the path that God wants for us (thanks to God's grace). This really reminds me not to complain too much because at the end of the day, I want to see my vocation and I thank God that He let me see this light.

Secondly, this calling can't be taken for granted. There are many ways in which I'm not thankful of this gift, for example, when I'm selfish, when I am not grateful with my boyfriend and demand too much from him, when I complain to God when I need to sacrifice something (especially time!!) to do apostolate, and so on and so forth. So as Christmas is coming and end of year is coming too, I really think I should remind myself more to be more thankful and to fulfill the duties of my state better (as a not-married-yet 'lady' *cough...I want to say 'girl', but not suitable anymore* )

Mother Mary, pray for us! :)

Master Plan - when there's a change in the 'master'

One of my biggest struggles is to accept change of plan or schedule. For example, if I already envision in my mind that next weekend I will have time to relax at home before noon time, when I suddenly have another duty on that day, I will be upset.

This is very bad!

Anyway, my post tonight is not about 'little' plan, but 'Master Plan'. Somehow, each person has his or her own 'Master Plan' of his life. When I was eight years old, my plan was to go to our favorite mall every weekend as soon as we moved to Tangerang. Nevertheless, the 1998 riot in Jakarta was sooo bad and...they burned my favorite mall. Well, this is a silly example. I was not throwing tantrum because I couldn't go to my favorite mall anymore (it's already a good thing that our family is safe!), but I remember I said things like, "I used to say I wanted to go to my favorite mall more often when we move to another town which is closer to the mall, but the mall was burned down :( :( " Anyway, the mall was renovated a few years after that. It's not my favorite mall anymore as I grow up because there were too many people going to that mall!! (guess which mall is it? =P)

Okay, let's go to a more serious example.

This past week, I've been receiving sad news here and there. Unexpected things happened to people around me. My housemate's grandpa recently passed away and her parents wanted her to go back to Indonesia for good to accompany her parents. Just a few weeks ago, we were still dreaming of finding new house together next year once our lease of this house ends. But yeah..change of plan. We thought we would at least still have one or two more years together in Singapore, but we do not. I do believe that this is the best for her family and I'll pray for her work in Indonesia! :)

I don't know why but these few days (?) I've been wondering about 'my future'. I sometimes look back and think about my "Master Plan" when I was high school and when I entered university. Being a research assistant has never been in this blue print of mine. However, if you ask me now, do I like this job? Yes!! I don't need to think twice to answer that. I always thought that I wanted to do clinical psychology. However, if you ask me now, do I still want to specialize in this area? To be honest, I don't know. Partly because I have not been working in clinical setting. Another reason was the more I conduct experiment in the kindergartens, the more I go to Ryan's house to read with him, this 5-year-old boy, the more I am interested in early childhood education. I'm a little bit not sure if my interest has shifted. However, when I think about it again, this interest seems a 'refresher' of my past dream to be a teacher. Anyway, I'm really not sure what will happen after my contract ends at the beginning of June next year.

Despite all these changes of this "Master Plan", these memories reminded me of the idea that the designer of this "Master Plan" is God himself, my Father.

I'm so grateful that..hmm, let me try to explain it..somehow God showed me His will through various changes of plan and He kinda shifted my interest. He is not God that forces me by saying, "Hey, don't choose this job!!" or "Hey, choose job C". However, His hand, His Divine Providence, worked very subtly to let me see what I really like, what I really enjoy doing, and these things are somehow contributing to the closeness to God's will.

For example, every one knows that we need to adjust lots of things once we start working. I feel grateful that in my current job, God has given me wonderful colleagues and bosses! Whatever happens in the future, God has shown me a good example of working environment. Another simple thing is the location of my office. It's been a struggle to go for spiritual formation when I moved to my first house in Serangoon, which is quite far from the centre where I go for spiritual formation. Nevertheless, my office is very near from the centre of the spiritual formation!! It's soooo near that I can squeeze spiritual direction session before going to work! Even if next time I'll work at a further location, God has prepared me to build the habit and the rhythm.

Oh yeah, and another change of 'Master Plan' was moving out of the rented big, cozy house in Serangoon to Clementi. However, the current house is nearer to my office and I meet people whom I can talk to about God. We can attend Sunday Masses together :)

So..when things do not go according to my plan, it's good to remember these pieces of memories because my Father has a better plan.

To accept myself

In times when things are difficult, I had this temptation to 'not-like-the-way-God-created-me'. However, long long time ago, when every fall was always followed by tears and frustration *and crying in confessional was common - oh maaaan..poor father...*, Fr Mario told me this:

Tell Our Lord, 
"Lord, you created me this way. Please help me."

I think this is the most beautiful reminder in difficult times :)

This reminded me of what Sharmini told me about imagining our life without spiritual direction. It's really God who is talking to us through spiritual director! You will be surprised how big the impact of going for spiritual director (even though you feel fine without one now).

Well, accepting my weaknesses doesn't mean that I have excuses to stop struggling =P