the bloody history

I'm not a history major and the last time I studied history in school was when I was 15 years old, first year of senior high school. What I remember about history is the Hindu Kingdom, world civilization, artifacts, etc. Nothing's special. It was boring. From primary school to high school, it was just the same thing. But actually it was getting more interesting in senior high school, even though it was only 1 year. Maybe because in the 2nd sem, I was taught by Bu Eri, who showed us a lot of 'other perspectives' of history.

Last night,I was reading Adrian Vickers' Modern History of Indonesia, particularly the transition from Old Order to New Order. I was sad and I was disappointed that I didn't know so much of my own country bloody history. In senior high school, I found out more about the 30th September movement and realized that there was no evident that it was a coup done by Communist Party and 450,000 people died because of what Soeharto called "elimination of communism including the roots" (pemberantasan komunisme sampai ke akar-akarnya)

This semester,I have read some short stories and novels which tell the story of the innocent victims after 30th September movement. Rape, killings, unjust arrest. Hhhh.. and the most silly thing is the fact that Museum Lubang Buaya (Museum of Crocodile's Hole) depicted the story of 30th Sept Movement according to the government's version (read: Soeharto's version). From generation to generation, we were taught that version,eg the name of the movement used to be 30th September movement of Indonesian Communist Party (G30S/PKI), the generals were mutilated by GERWANI (the women's party of PKI),so on and so forth. NO EVIDENCE!!!

but I guess,the thing that makes me more sad and feels so stupid is to find out history about Timor Leste. My lecturer showed me this video:


My respond was...WHAT?? It was not in my history textbook (even in junior high school textbook when I think it's already appropriate to tell us that there was such tragedy). I didn't know. I thought the tragedy only happened pre- and post- Timor Leste's independence. I knew that time there was much conflict (and you know what...Wiranto, who was supposed to be the one in charge of the military in Timor Leste, still STEPPED UP as candidate of vice president in the last election!!)

The normal conversation with my mom, my mom said, "Yah..under Habibie, the other provinces will just be let independent." Habibie was the successor of Soeharto and Timor Leste was independent during his presidency.Okay...I knew that Timor Leste just "joined" Indonesia in 1974, but the fact was.. actually the dominant party in Timor Leste, Fretilin, which was already established during Portuguese colonialism, already prepared for independence, just like other political parties struggled for independence for a longgggggggggg time till we became independent in 1945.
and I DIDN'T KNOW about it!!! (is it the irony of being science student or 'just' an impact of swallowing so much new-order's-version-of-history-and-campaign?)

hhhh..

Indonesia was also a colonist..
I don't regret to be Indonesian, but it's time to wake up. I won't let me and my friends only tell our children the government's version of history.Knowing history is not only a social-science student's business.

Oh btw,the video in this post,was showed all over the world, EXCEPT Indonesia.

tired

it's only my 2nd exam but I feel tired :(
can I please not study today? pleaseeeeeeeee.....then tomorrow,saturday,sunday I will kanchiong 1 module per day...

I really wanted to go swimming,but it was raining..T.T
anyway,today's exam was very hard,but thank God for guiding me when I studied for this paper,coz He led me what to read for my two exams...

can I take a break for a while..pleaseeeeeeee?

I'll study after rosary today :):)

ahhh...I want to go home!!

the beauty

the moon was soooo bright..
and the sky was sooo clear..
and I saw a lady waved to the bus driver and say 'Thank You' after she alighted from the bus..

it's beautiful... :):)

memformulasikan alasan mengapa orang jatuh cinta

tulisan ini didedikasikan untuk sahabat saya yang sedang mempersiapkan ujian besok :P

tiba-tiba dia berkata,
"iya ya fer..aku lagi mencoba memformulasikan alasan mengapa orang jatuh cinta"
aku: hmm..iya, kenapa ya?

kadang (salah deh,seringkali) aku enggak mengerti mengapa aku jatuh cinta dengan si A atau si B. lalu kami sepakat bahwa kadang kami tuh udah kasih tau hati ini "haduh jangan dong jangan suka..ga mau ah, ga mau suka" tapi tetep...aja jatuh cinta..

dan dulu aku sempat berpikir,
teringat tulisan di blog seseorang (lupa blog siapa)
"there's a reason why it is called falling in love"
gmn sih rasanya klo jatuh?
ada sakit2nya dikit donk..hehehe
kadang sampe biru2..
kadang cuma lecet
kadang mungkin sampai berdarah

temanku di indo menyapaku yang berstatus judul post ini:
"wah cuit cuit statusnya..haduh nin,jatuh cinta mana bs diformulasikan"
klo kata agnes monica, "cinta ini tak ada logika"
hahahaha

kata temenku yang komplain kok lagi exam malah memformulasikan alasan mengapa orang jatuh cinta,
jatuh cinta itu pilihan..
seperti memilih berdiri di tepi jurang..
dari tertarik, tergantung kita follow-up keingintahuan kita atau tidak..

tapi aku tetap merasa sulit sekali mengontrol perasaan yang bernama jatuh cinta ini
jatuh ya jatuh
tapi sedalam apa,nah itu tergantung

sekali waktu aku jatuh melayang terbang (jadi bisa melihat indahnya),tapi pas hubungan itu berakhir ya terasa berdarah-darahnya
di waktu yang lain aku cuma terseok-seok jatuh,pas jaman jatuh cinta dengan kakak kelas yang jago main piano,ternyata udah ada pacar.hahaha ya sudah deh bubye

ada orang-orang tertentu yang sekali liat langsung 'deg', kena charm-nya gitu...
ada orang lain,biasa aja..cuma dari percakapan-percakapan sederhana, 'deg', kena juga..hahaha

sebenarnya jatuh cinta itu tidak perlu diformulasikan
cognitive resources-nya sebaiknya dipakai untuk mempersiapkan exam sebaik mungkin
jatuh cintanya habis exam aja ya? :P

masa SMA

2 atau 3 hari lalu,
tiba-tiba aku teringat masa SMA (cuit cuit..ceritanya sekarang udah kuliah)

pas SMA dulu,
klo makan berdua ma orang yang berlawanan jenis,
langsung diledekin,pertanda ada apa-apa
sekarang?
makan berdua yah normal lah ya...

terus peluk antarteman itu ga lazim pas SMA,
sekarang orang main peluk2 aja
rangkul sana-sini

masalah mulai timbul,
kalau kamu yang merasa dipeluk (atau memeluk?)
yang merasa dirangkul
mulai deg-deg-an..kepikiran..
tapi orang yang di pihak lain,
yah normal lah ya..hari gini..

masa SMA,
pas masa2 modul mau ujian,
masih bisa bahas2 dengan orang lain
aku iri dengan teman2 di engin yg bisa diskusi soal2
sementara aku bertekun dengan buku sendiri biarpun orang2 di sekitarku

masa SMA,
klo suka cowok tuh semangat..gampang ketemunya
hahaha
pas pakai seragam pagi2,pas nyisir,langsung inget "eits, hari ini mau ketemu si doi"
HAHAHAHAHA
masa sekarang,
suka orang pun,ketemunya susahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
jd berharap-harap sendiri
menebak-nebak kira2 orangnya berkeliaran di mana
terus berharap ketidaksengajaan datang

lucu
terlalu banyak yang ambigu di masa kuliah ini
hhhhh...
makanya jadi orang jangan terlalu sensitif dong,nda...hahaha..
udah ah..belajar lagi aja.. :):)
mengejar S2 di Inggris sana..yeay!!

I love weekend!!!!

:):)

Thanks to Carina, Krizia, and Prashanti for saving my weekend :):)
Harry Potter was good..can't wait for the 2nd part..
and coz I already forgot the story, I was shocked a lot during some scenes..hahaha

and the feature of the day is..
Strawberry snow ice!!!!! YEAYYYY!! :):)

looking forward to end of exam hehehe

library

hello my blog...
this morning I went to library and was thinking to sit on my favorite bench outside library..but I met Li Hui and decided to study in library..

It was the first time I saw people QUEUING to enter the library as in they were QUEUING to get FREE WELFARE PACK
hahaha

and the queue at the deck WAS HORRIBLE :P
but it's ok..at the end we went to westcoast plaza to eat..guess what? we spent 2hours in total (worse...*duhh*)

Thank God for today...
I was much much much more focused than yesterday..
Yeay!still have 3hours left to fulfill my 8-hour-target :)

nitezzz my blog...

HOLIDAY PLAN!!!

1-6 Dec: Taipei Taipei Taipei :)

dance-dance-dance-dance
1. DP
2. Revising Javanese dance

learn Chinese (again) - touch my french book too?
explore singapore!! (hmmm...museum trip?pilgrimage to the North&West part?)
books - reading list: some other Paulo Coelho's books
write my never-finished-novel hikzzz
play the old piano in Eusoff
pergamano --> parchment craft
find out about grad school
watch!! (korean drama? :P hihihi)

another JB trip?or malacca? :P

14-17 Dec : Dance Camp

23 DEc-4 Jan : HOME SWEET HOME

basically the theme of my holiday is: RETURN TO THE OLD DAYS
it's time to do things that I used to do before... :)

YEAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HOLIDAY IS COMINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

2000 words of Indonesian essay

it's tough!!
how weird it is to feel weird when you write in your own language!!
arrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh

assuming my blog is facebook wall,
let's omit the subject
.... is considering to be educational psychologist.

Just yesterday I told Krizia that I'm confused on what I should study for Master's and what I really want to be in the future. I always think that I want to be a therapist for autistic children or clinical psychologist or things like working in hospital setting. However, my exposure to research papers on language (and the fact that my supervisor is the program director of speech therapy program) makes me re-think again on what I really want to do, what I really want to be, what I am called to do.

this morning,in the middle of the feeling of being pressed by tons of rocks on my head (I was super nervous for my presentation!!), I (still) had time to open my university-wish-list and the programs that they offer.

I think now I realize why I didn't consider educational psychologist or speech therapist before. Despite the fact that I was still innocent when I chose psychology, I was trapped in the people's mind of 'psychologist as psychologist only when you are a clinical psychologist'. I was also scared that I didn't have 'clear-cut' job if I do not become a clinician.

However, now I realize...I already throw those stereotypes of "science-students-go-to-engin-or-medicine" by choosing psychology..and now I realize, my real principle is, "Whatever my call is,let it be." It doesn't mean that I only sit and wait for 'enlightenment'. I will find out more, but I do not need to worry about job or salary or anything. Is it what God calls me to do? I think that's the most important question.

So....if now I feel the excitement of doing research on psycholinguistics.. if I realize that I might not that interested to learn about mood disorder.. if I now that I do not only like to deal with therapies and intervention, but also decision-making and policies, I should keep opening my eyes and mind..I'm considering educational psychologist or more research on developmental psychology, esp developmental disorder..

and PRAY-PRAY-PRAY!!!! :):)

*i think i'll be more talkative during this period of time..studying needs peace of mind and writing gives you chance to release what is stuck in your head :P*

turun dari panggung

saya benci perasaan menggebu-gebu yang harus terhempas dalam waktu beberapa hari yah setidaknya ini lebih baik dari perasaan jatuh terlalu dalam yang bertahan selama beberapa tahun terima kasih Tuhan sudah membolehkan saya merasakan indahnya dalam sekejap dan saat saya berada di perpustakaan tercinta sore tadi saya sadar..
saya terlempar ke dunia nyata

oh tunggu,
tapi bukankah dunia itu juga panggung sandiwara?

hahaha

GO FERNINDAAAAAA!!!

i'm trying to decrease the amount of facebooking...so if i feel the temptation,i'll post on my blog instead..I do think it's still more useful and therapeutic than facebook..

my first target this morning is finishing my research presentation by 9am!!

nice song :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXQzj3dMwLE

Out Of Reach - Gabrielle

Verse 1
Knew the signs wasn’t right
I was stupid, for a while
Swept away, by you
And now I feel like a fool

Chorus
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

Verse 2
Catch myself, from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy, everyday
I know I will be ok

Chorus
But I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

Bridge
So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you

Chorus
And know I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There’s a life out there for me

random post

I forgot who wrote this on her fb status..

"There is a reason why it is called FALLING in love"

not FLYING in love or CLIMBING in love :P