Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Living in the present

Somehow it's very hard to write about present. The tortoise (or turtle?) in Kungfu Panda said, "Yesterday was history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called present." Somehow I realize that it becomes harder to live in the present these days.

I don't know why, but I've spent more time regretting about my past. 'Past' does not refer to 3 years ago, 5 years ago, or months ago. My 'Past' refers to yesterday? Or perhaps last week? How I wish I could have done A to Z. I've also spent more time thinking about the future. A question "What if..." keeps coming to my mind. Now I start to alarm myself, "Hey, let's go back to the present."

Disclaimer: I'm not emo-ing. Hahahaha.

It's just that I feel that it's really a challenge for me to set target and do my work these days. Well, Thank God yesterday was a productive day for me. I managed to read for my module, Reading Visual Images. Thank God that He helped me to spare time to read some journal articles for my thesis. However, in general, I still feel that I'm not here nor there. I'm sort of in the state of "What-if-I-made-a-wrong-decision-but-if-I-didn't-do-anything-I-wouldn't-get-anything" (wahh..so long!)

Well, today was a great day :) Thank God for the time with Legion friends :)

A salad from Bahadurgarh


“Hi guys, it’s 30 degrees Celcius today.”
“Fiuhhh..Thank God for the weather.”

We’ve never been grateful of having 30-degree-celcius-temperature when we were in Singapore. However, here in Bahadurgarh, 2 hours from New Delhi, this temperature is really a blessing for us. On our first day of our work last week, the auto-rickshaw driver dropped us at the gate of sector 17. We walked 1 km under the sun on the dusty road till we arrived at our office. That morning my friend found out that the temperature was 35 degrees and we encouraged each other, “No problem. We have not reached the climax.”

I opened my laptop and looked through the product lists. Four different excel files were opened at the same time. They were the product lists from 4 different years. After 1 week interning in this company, I finally familiarize myself with the product name and how they code the color of the bags and wallets. The company where we are interning at recycles waste to be fashion products. My job scope is to design the display room for these products. 

At 1pm, my eyes have become very tired. I walked to the pantry and warmed my food in the microwave. Today’s menu: instant pasta. Yes, it’s really instant. I just need to put the pasta in a pan filled with water, just like how you usually cook instant noodle. I plan to bring more instant pasta back to Singapore next month. While I was waiting for the pasta, I looked out through the window and saw people working at the construction next to our office. At the first few days in Bahadurgarh, I was very surprised to find out that women work as construction workers. Now seeing them carrying bricks or sacks of cement has been a normal scene in my life in India. I felt the breeze. Ahhh, 30-degree-celcius-temperature is just soo...wonderful. 

Suddenly my eyes met a young lady’s eyes at the second storey of the construction. How old is she? Perhaps 15? 17? I tried to smile and waved my hand. I felt awkward. This is stupid, I told myself. What am I doing??
To my surprise, she waved back and smiled widely. I made a bigger wave with my hands, with a wider smile too. I tried to recall all Hindi words that my friend taught me before I left Singapore. Well, I couldn’t remember what is “How are you?” The most important thing that I could remember was “Budget ke bahar hai” (It’s out of my budget), but of course, it’s not useful in this situation. I tried to recall the words on my mini phrase book that I bought with 10% discount. Thanks to my hippocampus cells, I managed to recall one sentence and shouted it out, “Ap kya nam hai???”

The girl shouted, “Sandhra. Mera nama Sandhra hai.” I shouted back, “Mera nam Ninda hai.” 

Ding.
My pasta was heated already. I took it out and waved to the girl, “Byeeeeeeeee!”
***
After a month living in Bahadurgarh, getting used to the heat and dust, getting used to the eyes looking at me as if I’m an alien, somehow I still could not go back to my ‘Bangalore-mood’ easily. Before we started our internship, we had 1 week workshop on entrepreneurship in Bangalore and in one week I was quickly known as a talkative person. However, here in Bahadurgarh, every time I reach our guest house which stands like a palace compared to the surroundings, I lose my mood to talk to my roommate. Initially I thought the heat absorbed my energy to talk, but after a while, I knew that I did not have chemistry with my roommate.

It’s very hard to talk about Sandhra to my fellow interns. There’s no way to explain my feeling, how I was so happy to have a new friend with only a sentence in Hindi (well, two sentences if including the answer: “Mera nam Ninda hai”). There’s no way to explain my happiness to wait for my lunch to be heated up every day and just stare at the opposite half-constructed factory with a big smile and sometimes waving hands. 

I’ve never thought that I’ll end up doing internship in Bahadurgarh. I have been wanting to go to Kanakagiri, 12 hours from Bangalore to do internship in an outsourcing company. I heard that the condition is very extreme. There’s no hot water and you can find scorpion under your bed in the hostel. When I got the email that I’ll be interning in a company which UP-cycles waste (without melting it down) to be various products, I was just...”Wow! Cool!”, especially when I found out that they hired rag pickers to work with them, I became so excited. This was exactly the reason why I really want to go to rural areas. I want to learn how I can improve the life of rag pickers in Indonesia and I’ve met some rag pickers in my hometown personally, so the visit to the slums in Bahadurgarh really brought back the memories that I had in the slum in my hometown.

There is only one main road in Bahadurgarh. There are lots of trucks because it is an industrial area. There was one morning when me and three other friends from Singapore were waiting for an auto-rickshaw. A car stopped and the man opened the window and offered us a ride. My friend innocently answered, “No, it’s okay. Thanks. We do not want to pay.” The man, almost laughed, replied, “No, I don’t need your money. Do you want to have a ride?” Anyway, we rejected his offer. It was very silly because the man was obviously one of the bosses in the factories around our office. His car came from New Delhi direction and we still said, “We do not want to pay,” because we were too cautious.

***
There was one day the stormy day could not cool down the discussion cum quarrel in our room. Well, it was not really our room. It was actually our boss’ room and we occupied her room because she didn’t come every day. That day even our supervisor did not come to the office. When he was not around, the whole factory slowed down. The admin and finance people were chatting outside and we, the interns, were just trying to do some work while our mind was counting how much time left till we could leave our office.

Silence.

My thermometer-friend, the one who always checked the temperature online, suddenly broke the silence. “It’s very sad to see the kids in the construction sites. It’s like a cycle. Some years from now they’ll end up as construction worker too. They should have had better things to do. Now they can’t even speak Hindi, they only speak the local language,right?” My ears were tickled by his statement. I asked softly, “What do you mean they should have had better things to do?”

“Well, at least the government should give them education, teach them basic stuff like Hindi or maths, not just let them play around the construction sites.” Another guy added on, “Ya. I feel pity for them, but I dunno what to do. If I give food, it’ll just be over in few days. Even to help them, we must think how to help in a sustainable way.” I nodded and replied, “Yah..but it’s very hard to ask the government do this kind of thing. It’s not like Singapore government. Where will they get the money?” My roommate replied, “They have money, as long as they do not corrupt the money.” I looked at her and said, “It’s always easier to say.” Then, I started digging my bag to find my earpieces. I found that the earpieces were quite useful to avoid debates with my fellow interns. I used the earpieces once when I couldn’t stand the girl’s paranoid feeling of infected with rabies because we played with the puppies outside our office. 

“Why do you always need to question other people? Sometimes we just want to talk about our opinion.” Okay...I heard the girl’s unhappy tone. “Well, what’s wrong with questioning? It’s good to raise questions. Kar Yen was not even offended by my question, why should you be unhappy?” Both Kar Yen (the thermometer-guy) and Ji Rong looked puzzled. Kar Yen tried to cool down the situation, “What I meant is the government should do something. And yah...I agree with you, it’s always easier to say because it’s very complicated.” I smiled with victory, but the girl stared at me and replied, “The problem with you is you question too much and you just can’t accept other people’s opinion.” I plugged my earpiece to my laptop, “And your problem is you always wear your Singapore’s government-spectacle here.” Then, my ears were filled with K-Pop songs.

***
Another awkward silence.
I ate the third banana because I desperately need fiber. I haven’t done my ‘business’ in toilet for three days. My roommate was chatting with her boyfriend on MSN and I was trying to write an article for the interns’ magazine. It was just an awkward silence.

I remembered Sandhra. Well, we never talked to each other again since the first day we waved and smiled to each other. However, she has become a new friend for me. Since then, every morning when I walk towards the office, I always look up to the construction site opposite my office. There I always find her and her mother, perhaps with also her aunty, and two kids who are most likely her sisters. I wave and smile at them and they smile back to me. That’s how we talk to each other.

I asked myself a question that I have not asked before. What did she have for dinner tonight? Did she and her family even have meal for dinner? After my internship is over, will I ever meet her again? What will she be in the future? Will she ‘just’ be a construction worker like what she is doing now? Ohhh.. then I realized that soon this area will be full of factories. She’ll just move to another construction site, right?

That night when I knelt down and prayed, I told God about Sandhra and her family. Please protect them, Lord. At that point, she was not ‘only’ a construction worker, but she’s my friend.

30 Aug 2011
Singapore

***
notes: I started writing this with the aim to try writing a short story, but it ended up just like my other posts. 
Hahaha....I wanted to write 6 pages, but I have not had the 'stamina' to write a proper 6-page-story.
Anyway, this story retelling really brings back the memories from Bahadurgarh. Somehow it's harder to write in Singapore and about my life in Singapore. I'm starting from scratch again.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Being 21 Years Old

This title makes me feel "old", but no way, I always feel young. Hahaha. The tricky part is, while I could laugh at people last year and said that I was "twenteen", this year there is no way I can say that I am "twenteen one". Hahaha. I'm quite excited because 21 years old is a legal age in Singapore, so that I don't need to ask my roommate to sign indemnity form for me in simple thing such as field trip or dance camp.

However, despite the first exciting moments of "Yes now I can enter casino" or "Yes now I can sign any forms myself", those two digits have really reminded me that I will have greater responsibility this year. Moreover, I'll be graduating next year and it feels like whatever decision that I make will affect my future sooooooooo much. Furthermore, I can't think of any decision only for myself. Nowadays I start thinking of my parents too. Financially soon I cannot depend on my parents. In terms of social expectation, soon when we start receiving wedding invitation from my neighbors who are only 3-4 years older than me, my mom will ask whether 'I like anyone' or 'I'm close with anyone'. Last year when I answered, "Mom, I'm only 20, no need to worry", my mom replied, "Yeah..but in the village, women at your age already have 4 children and time flies!!" Yah...time flies...

Being 21 years old and having this status : FINAL YEAR also means that I can't just "dream" and "wooosh" then things will happen. Now, postgraduate study and/or having a job is an urgency and I DO need deadline. My friends have started attending recruitment talks. While I always talk to other people that I wanna go postgrad study, I haven't done any concrete actions to write research proposal and fill in application form.

Haizzz...the first three weeks of school have been depressing. Not that I'm sad, I'm happy, 100% happy because I love my modules and the absence of hall activities make me able to sleep early. I've realized that having enough sleep makes me awake throughout classes. However, I am still very disorganized and I do not have enough motivation to consistently read the materials.

Every day is always a new day. Now that I'm still in the mood of "Yeay I'm 21", it's good to use this momentum to start all over again. Pray more, be more organized, and oops...can you pray for my dad? I'm looking forward to seeing him baptized. That'll be a wonderful bday gift and I hope I don't need to wait till I'm 30 to see him baptized.

Ohhh ohhh....I'm very happy because on my bday, my dad sent me SMS: "Happy bday. Dad loves you." kyaaaa.. He never sent 'more than 3 words' SMS before :P There's another funny SMS. After saying "Happy bday", at the end of the day, my mom messaged me, "Da, you are 21??tsk tsk tsk..you've grown up," as if my own mom was also shocked that her daughter is 21 now. hahahaha. My brother was also the first person who said "happy bday" (this is also a rare occasion), even though his bday wishes are like these: "Happy bday ugly sister, hope you get lots of money and gain more weight." Anyway, yah..that's how we joke with each other.

Thank God for always being there for me.
Thank you Mother Mary for hugging me, especially when I feel lonely :)

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Quick post about life as 4th year - I'm rushing!!!

1. Even though I said, "I want to focus on my study, especially my thesis", it's very hard to study ONLY.
2. There is this thought of "last year last chance" that makes you still try new things in your 4th year.
3. The fact that I don't need to do hall activities makes have more time to catch up with some friends that I have not met for quite a long time or to spend more time with my friends (eg after Legion meeting, I don't need to rush for practices and I can have a chat with my friends in Legion of Mary)
4. Thesis is exciting. There'll be moments that you feel that there is no progress, but as Cui Shan cited Dr Melvin that we need to allocate how many hours we want to spend on thesis per week, I feel excited again. I put 10 hours per week. Yeah, please remind me if you find me online too often :) I felt soooo glad that I found some articles that gave me the "Eureka" moment :) It's also fun to attend a workshop after another workshop on topics related to my thesis.

tell me I'm crazy....
I'm going to waltz class next Monday onwards!! Hahahahahaha...
I can't help it. I miss dancing!! My mom has encouraged me to try ballroom dance, just for fun. I think it'll be a good experience :):) hihihihi..

Psychology Assessment Class

I've never thought of taking this module before. I've decided to take this module because my thesis is on psychology assessment. I've also realized that I always fell asleep in abnormal psychology classes (even though I found the modules were interesting). I need to see the disorders from a different angle, not with the pattern "causes-symptoms-treatments-causes-symptoms-treatments". I guess psychology assessment is a good choice because when you learn about assessment, you must also know what the tool is going to measure.

Yesterday we did simulation of diagnostic interview of depression. We grouped ourselves into 3 and took turn: one became the interviewer, one acted as a patient, and another one took note of Mental Status Examination (a whole list of nonverbal observation: appearance, tones, gestures, expression, and so on and so forth). Guess what? It's very hard to do diagnostic interview! Hahaha. No wonder the lecturer kept putting a "disclaimer slide" saying: This module doesn't train you to administer psychological assessment. I interviewed my "patient" and took notes at the same time plus maintained my eye contact at the same time! However, it was very fun! Hahaha. I really feel that I'm going to be a REAL psychologist soon (well, not so soon...I need to undergo Clinical Psychology Postgraduate Training for 2 years, plus work or study first if I can't get into the programme :P) I was also reminded at the same time that my journey to be psychologist is still loooooooooonggg. I know it's quite contradictive, but I cannot deny that this 4-year-degree is still too broad.

Anyway, I like this class. It's very refreshing to learn about different issues on administering and scoring psychology assessment. It's not only about counting "how many questions are answered 'never' or 'often' or 'always' ", but as my lecturer said, we must take into account the CONTEXT. Who are our clients? Who does the referral? What's the motivation? and so on and so forth.

Well, looking forward for the next class on Neuropsychological assessment :)

Do you know that Singapore has a hill?

This morning was not my first time going to Bukit Timah Nature Reserve. Last semester I went there with Eugene, Dom, Paul, and Daryl, oh and Ding Li too. That time was also tiring even though it was "only" walking through the main road. I told them that one day I wanted to try the trail and I also wanted to try walking from Bukit Timah Nature Reserve to MacRitchie Reservoir.

This morning I went for Freshman orientation training organized by NUS Mountaineering (even though I'm not freshmen anymore :P). Yeah...one of my dream came true. We walked through the trail. I had stairs :(:( Actually I realized that I walked very slowly. Hahaha. When I walked up the steps, I needed to pause A LOT!! My stamina is very bad, that's why I was "dying" in Dance Ensemble tech class last year.

However, this time, I really hope I can persevere. You can say that I'm crazy, but last night before I went to bed, I kept smiling to myself despite the fear that I would be the slowest when I walked. One motivation is a dream to go back to India next year. Another motivation is to explore the mountains in Indonesia. I went to Mount Bromo once when I was very young, so I already forgot how it was like. Sometimes the negative thoughts come back, "You are very weak. Remember in dance? You will end up quitting just like before." However, I try to convince myself to hang on, try, and perhaps train myself more? I am very grateful because the new friends are very friendly, just like I was so grateful because my friends in dance were also very encouraging even though I got negative feedback from the coach :P Even if I quit after 2 weeks, 1 month, 6 months, or 1 year, I won't regret because I have tried :):)

ps. answering the title, yes, Singapore has a hill. Bukit Timah Hill is the highest hill in Singapore. It's quite nice actually :) I like it. Ohhh..but it's more interesting when Paul and Ding Li were there coz they knew the trees and the birds out there..hehehehehe..


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Alternative view of Entrepreneurship

Entrepreneurship is not only about making money....
Thanks to NOC-Magazine team that has edited my article :)

http://kentridgecommon.com/?p=13111


HAPPY BIRTHDAY INDONESIA!!

Today is the 66th anniversary of my country. This year is the least-smelt-like-independence-day for me. I had class at 9am, so I could not attend the assembly in the embassy.


One day my friend asked me, "Why do you still love Indonesia even though the government is so corrupt?" I answered her, "I guess love is not only when everything is going well." I don't know.. It's like something that when you fall in love with someone, you just accept him or her the way he or she is. I think nationalism is also like this. It doesn't mean that I'm happy with the bad things that happen in my country, I must make a change and do something, but I still love my country despite all the bad things about my country.

Happy birthday, Indonesia! I'll do my best even though I'm overseas.

Bday wishes for Indonesia:
1. CLEAN government, please...
2. no more discrimination based on race or religion, esp. in civil service sector
3. education for all children...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Happy Birthday Singapore!!

Bday wishes for Singapore:
1. don't be too kiasu..why do you start bell-curving everything since Primary school? :(
2. allow some rooms to be spontaneous and a bit....chaotic? eg why can't we allow registered demonstration in Singapore?
3. take care of foreign workers, you can't deny that they've also contributed to this country..and they're also humans with the same dignity. don't make excuses by saying "well, their life here is better than in their home country, so they're already lucky."
4. secular, but not God-less please... I've realized that there are many free-thinkers in Singapore, but only a few that I've met make an effort to find God's why and acknowledge God's presence in their life. Many others never admits God's existence even though they said, "It's just that I don't want to be 'tied' in particular religion". Belief in God will affect many policies: bioethics, welfare policy, etc.

Happy bday, Singapore :):)

Sunday, August 7, 2011

same place - different feeling

As I walked from Prata Shop to Eusoff Hall, my mind kept jumping to my first year. I looked at the square on which it was written "A2" and recalled how when I was freshman, I was standing on the 2nd floor of A block and having a hard time memorizing the easy route to Prata and to terminal. I walked towards the stairs and I recalled how I met Priya for the first time there. She's Indonesian, but Indian by race, so I was surprised that after she asked me where the bus stop was, she started speaking Indonesian :)

This morning I met Timothy on 151 and he was surprised that I kept staying in A block. He told me that A block is a freshmen block now. There are only 4 seniors on A4 and actually I also didn't see many seniors around. Last week I met a Vietnamese girl in the kitchen and she thought I was freshie (I didn't try to hide my excitement, I screamed, "YEAYY!!" happily in front of her).

It's the same Eusoff Hall, with red bricks and brown door (thankfully not grey like Temasek's :P). I also can't believe that I've been staying in Eusoff for 3 years! When I see the foyer, I still remember how I met many people there because of Rag, especially because Tony found me wandering around foyer and introduced me to other Raggers.

Last week I went to Penang, Bangkok, and Pattaya with my best friends. It was my third time in Bangkok, but the feeling was different. I guess it was because this is my first time travelling with Nic, Pril, and Nyz. It wasn't a smooth sailing journey even though we are best friends, we did have disagreement, we did feel tired and moody (esp. the first night, thanks to me who booked a hotel that couldn't be found by the taxi driver!! =.= ), but the overall feeling was GREAT!! We jumped, we laughed, we talked, we took lots of photos, we counted expenses together, and on the last day we hugged each other in circle like Teletubbies :P It was totally a different feeling compared with when I travelled alone in May 2010 or when I visited Bangkok with Thai Painting class in Feb this year. I won't say which one is better, I do still enjoy travelling alone, but among many experiences travelling with other people, I strongly believe that WHO your companions are is an IMPORTANT matter. I don't think I could enjoy 22 hours ride from Bangkok to Butterworth with my fellow interns in Haryana. It's nothing personal, just that 22 hours ride with people whom you know well (four us have known each other since primary 4) and people whom you've just met (I only talk to my fellow interns in Haryana once or twice before we left Singapore) is just..... different..

I guess that's why I'm not worried of going back again, again, and again to Bangkok (or Thailand in general). That's why me and my family never feel bored of going back again, again, and again to Puncak (a mountainous area in Indo) every year coz every time we come back to the same place, there'll be a different feeling. Each person who travels there has grown up, so even if you travel with the same person, there'll be different things to be laughed at and different conflicts too, or if you go to the same place but with different persons, well, obviously there's a different feeling.

As much as I enjoy travelling alone, I really love my Penang-Bangkok-Pattaya journey with my best friends. Somehow three months away from Singapore also makes me more aware with little changes on this land, eg the price of Nasi Lemak in Prata is $3.00 now, there's a writing "Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences" in shocking pink and green in front of AS5, Buona Vista MRT has changed too, and so on and so forth.

but still there was a question in my mind. Last night, on the way back from Airport, I was thinking something like, "50% of my soul is left in Indo, 25% in India and 25% in Thailand. How can I survive for four more years in Singapore?" However, I encouraged myself with the thought of my thesis and commencement next year. I also encouraged myself with the thought of how Singapore has given me so many good memories, especially with the people that I will never meet if I don't come here, and how the people have influenced me in various areas till I can say that I'm growing up.

Thank you, Lord :)
This three-month experience was just sooo beautiful.. You've helped me to get to know myself and my friends through this journey and You've also given me lots of chances to get closer to You in this 3 months.
Thank you, Mother Mary :):)



Monday, August 1, 2011

new mission in Singapore

I knew it...
I knew it that I would feel homesick not in India, but in Singapore. It's surprising how I already feel that India is my 2nd home, only after 2 months, but I have not yet felt Singapore as my 2nd home after 3 years.

Here is my new mission..
To make Singapore as my second home too..To be the change that I want to see in Singapore and to make the change through my daily interactions with ordinary people..To contribute to this country as much as I want to contribute to my home country..