The Drama of Packing

packing my stuff reminds me that I'm a FOREIGNER..and this is life as foreigner..Packing the whole room every year. I hate it!!!! How many more times I have to pack and shift my stuff here and there?

Packing my stuff reminds me that I don't have a HOME.
I guess that's why I hate packing. It's not about the 'art' of squeezing all stuff to one (?) suitcase. It's about realizing how I have to let go lots of things (a.k.a throwing rubbish), it's about being aware that I'll keep moving, keep moving, and keep moving.

Sometimes it's just so tiring not-to-have-a-home.

What's next??

Today was my last exam as an undergraduate. I left exam hall at 10.15am (45 minutes earlier). Many people left early too. The format was MCQ, either you can remember or not. -.- I was not sure for most of the questions :(, but it's over!! O.V.E.R. - nomoreexamstillatleast1.5yearsfromnow :P

It's kinda a good feeling. I started to look back on the past years. I went out with roommate to JCube, the new mall in Jurong East, then we recalled our first few days in Eusoff. I remember how I was staring at the unending stairs in Eusoff with my HUGE suitcase and asked Jit Vern, my senior, "No lift?" No...  I remember how I walked around Eusoff for the first time and tried to use the transponder to open my door, but I couldn't! It turned out to be the wrong room, it wasn't my room. Hahaha.

So fast!
I keep repeating this over and over again. Time flies. The question is "What's next??"

One problem that is quite persistent is my "over-worry". Among this "over-worry" lists, some that I really want to get rid of are:
1. Stop thinking about what-other-people-think-about-your-decision
2. Stop worrying that it-will-be-a-waste-of-time-if-I-make-wrong-decision

I just called my dad, telling him that I'll start work on 15 May, but I told him, "I don't know the salary yet!" But my dad 'scolded' me, not a harsh scolding, but firmly say, "Don't think about the salary! Get experience first!" This made me fly back to my conversation on phone with my mom last semester. She always says, "Nothing is wasted. You might turn and turn around so many times till you reach your destination, but nothing will be wasted."

What's next?

After many long posts on my 'BIG' dreams, I've decided to work.
After many long posts about my AMBITIONS, now if people ask me, "Do you really want to do clinical psychology?" I answer, "I don't know."
Do you know that hourly fee for tutoring JC student is higher than giving behavioral therapy?
But life is not only about money. I know I will really need to learn to survive after graduation. It's a shame to keep asking my parents for money. I also see and experience myself the ethical dilemma about some issues, "Is it appropriate for me to do this? Do I have the capacity to do this? Is it the best interest of the child/ client/ whoever the person's involved in my work?" I'll need to make 'BIG' decision myself, but yeah...Thank God I have people around me that can be asked for advice. I need to learn how to always improve my spiritual life too. At the end of the day, after circle, or meditation, or spiritual direction, they always remind me, "Remember. We are called to be holy and to glorify God." That's the most important thing.

Welcome new life :):)
for now,
PACKING MY STUFF AND BE PREPARED TO SHIFT TO VACATION STAY ROOM. aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...such a nightmare :(

to let someone help you

This was what my mom told me. She realized that sometimes I have high ego. In Indo, we call this "gengsi". I don't have any English word in mind that can replace this word. It's not the high ego that you have when someone say that you are "selfish", but it's the kind of shame feeling when someone help you, or like the pride when you don't want to admit that you make mistake.

It's okay to say that "I'm not okay"
It's okay to say that "I need help"
It's okay to say that "I can't do it alone"

We know that when we help someone, we feel happy for that person, so ya..let someone help you because the person will also feel happy when you feel happy. Let someone help you because the person will also feel happy because you trust the person to listen to you.

Maybe one act of kindness that you can do today is to let someone help you :)

True Friends

I'm so grateful that God has given me friends that always support me. Not only in terms of "typical-friendship-song" like they cheer me up when I am sad, or they laugh when I laugh and cry when I cry, but they also correct me when I am wrong. They challenge my ideas when they see something wrong with it and I'm so thankful for this. 

It's amazing how some friends can really make me think after I have some conversation with them. Our conversation is not just a "talk-cock" session. I didn't realize it till recently another new friend saw this characteristics in our conversation. 

It's very hard to find this kind of friend. Some people will just agree with you, but I guess true friends dare to say that "You're wrong" or at least..."Why don't you consider this?" or minimum "Why do you think that way? Perhaps..." It's just one sentence that can make you re-think your ideas. 

For me, the reason why I have written this post is this is what I feel about my Legion of Mary friends. Thanks for being true friends :) I don't know whether they realize or not, but our conversation after last meeting have made think and reflect a lot. Thank you, Lord, for this blessing through my friends.

the last 3 exams as an undergraduate

How do you feel when you are facing your last three exams?

Happy? cos you are graduating soon..
Sad? cos you are going to leave your friends
or...?
Lazy? cos anyway your CAP is stuck there.

I've just finished my first exam. There are two more exams next week: Tuesday and Friday. Then, it's over!! Bye, NUS! I do not dare to say that it's my last exams in NUS because I'm still hoping to study again (and who knows it'll be in NUS). Still, these are my last three exams as an undergraduate. Fr Mario said, "It's your last 3 laps!!"

So yeah...although I feel superlazy now, I'll do my best!! To cherish these exam moments :) hahahahaha..

What Skype Cannot Do

Hello. It's been a looooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggggg time since my last post.

Let's talk about technology now. Once I read my friend's post on how technology is "disconnecting people" rather than "connecting people". It's so normal to see two girls sit opposite each other with iPhone in their hands. In Indo, my friend said that her parish block phone signals (so only some providers with strong signals can get through) because the people are busy with their Blackberries during Mass!!! Since then, she said some of her friends prefer sitting outside the Church during Mass.

People might argue that technology helps connecting people. I agree! I can't imagine how I'm going to survive without yahoo messenger or facebook! I don't think that I will call my best friends frequently because it's quite expensive.

Despite all the technology advancement, I still do "old days" style. I still call my mom using my phone because I enjoy walking around while I talk to her :P Two weeks ago, she used skype for the first time. I was sooooooo happy!! :D I could show some things that I cannot describe with words to her and we can see each other.

However, I realize there's something skype still cannot do.

We cannot look at each other's eyes. If I look at the camera, she sees me as if I'm looking at her, but I can't look at her eyes.

So yeah..I'm glad and thankful of this technology advancement,
but there's always something that skype cannot do.

last 2 weeks of school

yup.
The last 2 weeks of school.

Four years ago, in the last 2 weeks of school, I spent time "emo-ing" because my and my friends would take different paths. Everything would be different. At the same time, I would like to cherish each 'last moment': walking to church nearby, sitting with friend on the same chair (yes, our chairs in the classroom were very big, enough for 2 people), teasing each other (well, I think I was the victim of teasing most of the time), recalling all the good times.

Now, last 2 weeks in NUS. Hmm, let me think what I'm going to miss from NUS/ Eusoff/ Undergraduate life:
1. eating rice+cabbage+ham+egg for $1.60 from Chinese food stall at the Deck
2. taking a nap for 15 minutes between lessons
3. sitting at Arts walkway and studying (or trying to study)
4. my BIG room in Eusoff :p and my roommate
5. Legion meeting in blue oyster (yes, there's a room called 'blue oyster')
6. walking from one place to another place under yellow roof
7. falling asleep in lecture - OOPS!
8. laughing in Thai class
9. doing 'lots of stuff' (to be honest, I don't know whether I'll have energy to do something in the evening after work)
10. Friday Mass in Lecture Theatre (well, I don't attend CSS Mass that often, very infrequent indeed, but when else you can attend Mass in LT)

ok that's it from now.. The thing is in NUS I do not really have 'ritual' (eg in high school, used to walk to Church nearby with my friends after school). I used to have 'ritual' eating zha jiang mian after mass with Andrew, Handy, and Eusoff CG, but after they graduated, no more zha jiang mian 'ritual'. (now kinda starting it again with Sharmini, while she eats tom yam from the same stall :P). Oh I know, maybe the dinner after Legion meeting?? Hehehe..working means cannot stay up too late right?

Last Sunday, I met Andrew and his 'fiancee' (yes! fiancee!). He asked me about my dream, what I'm going to do after graduation, and so on and so forth. To my surprise, I don't really have 'big dream' anymore. There's a sense of loss of direction. Just flow like that 'only'. Now I don't even know the reason I choose to apply as RA, rather than taking the risk to be jobless for one month and apply for therapist position. I just know that I don't want a 'stable' career now (so weird!) because somehow I want to study again (still want!!) in 2013 or 2015 (or maybe by that time, I won't want it anymore? just like how I abandon the effort to apply postgrad)

Is it okay not to have 'big dream' anymore? What's wrong with 'just' be an ordinary person? Is it okay if I feel that my happiness is 'as-long-as-I-interact-with-children' no matter what specifically the work is, and despite the fact that there's no career-prospect or whatsoever it is? What if my expertise is 'not-to-be-expert-in-one-area'? Is it wrong?

Hahaha..
okay never mind. Maybe this is just a girl-monthly-syndrome.

Thesis (with smiley icon)

Hi I'm back :)
In the middle of euphoria for submitting my thesis yesterday. Thank God and thanks to my friends who have been helping me  A LOT!!!
Okay, actually I think I passed the euphoria stage after 8-hour-class today, but let me recall all the good things that have happened about my thesis.

Rule number 1: yes, it's your thesis, but you can't deny that it's a salad of lots of people's help (from those who jiayou-ing you to those who help you reading your thesis!!)

Rule number 2: thesis is another self-discovery journey. In my whole 4 years in NUS, I have top-three 'activities' that I count as self-discovery journey:
1. NUANSA'10: This Earth of Mankind
2. 3 years in Legion of Mary
3. my thesis

You learn about your strength and weakness through thesis.

Rule number 3: Little things DO matter.
In the weekly session that I attend (we call it 'circle'), people always remind me of the values of the little things, offering up those ordinary things that look simple (such as taking care of your belonging, doing work in order). Little things DO matter. I wasted lots of time digging my files to find literature that's already there (just that I couldn't find it), I needed lots of help in formatting, and I spent hours and hours making the tables look neat and presentable.

How to describe this feeling?
I don't know whether my grade still matters or not. When my supervisor said that she's happy with my work, I feel really thankful. I think the most important thing is I've given my best to this project and I really appreciate my friends' help and support. There were moments when I felt sick of my thesis, when I felt that there was no progress, when I felt soooo bad and just wanted to give up and do 'anyhow'.

Thank God for the experience :):) It IS a beautiful experience :)