St. Patricia and Ferninda's "Patrycia"

One last post before I'm going off!!! Hehehe.

St. Patricia is my patron saint :) (Thanks to Dom who has found her!!) I always thought that my baptism name is female version of St. Patrick, but apparently there IS St. Patricia.

Copy-paste about St. Patricia: from http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=202
St. Patricia according to legend, was of a noble and perhaps royal family in Constantinople who fled to Italy to escape marriage and became a virgin consecrated to God in Rome. She returned to constantinople, distributed her wealth to the poor, and then went back to Italy;, where she died soon after, at Naples. She is a patron of Naples, and like St. Januarius there, a vial believed to be filled with her blood reportedly liquefies thirteen hundred years after her death. 

It turns out that her feast day is one day before my birthday!! :D

Umm, but sometimes it's kinda hard to think of my patron saint in times of difficulties coz there's not much info about her..

Anyway, some more trivial about 'Patrycia' behind my name:

1. even though it's my baptism name, I'm not sure whether my mom thought about St. Patricia or female version of the name 'Patrick'

2. the spelling P.A.T.R.Y.C.I.A was meant to make my name unique coz of course people's names are Patricia, not Patrycia

3. this spelling turns out to be confusing. Today I've found a letter from a friend in primary school that wrote:

Dear Ferninda Particia

Last week, I realized that the psychologist that gives workshop in school wrote my name, 

Ferninda Partycia

2 weeks ago,my roommate wrote on her 'love' letter,"Ferninda Patricya"

4. Allan, one of the CG member in Eusoff, called me "Ferninda P" (sounds like 'Ferninda Pee') to make life easier.. grrrrrrrrr..

Maybe I should test my dad and check whether he knows how to spell my name or not :P

Spy Kids - All the time in the world

Last week I watched Spy Kids with my brother and my uncle. There's a good thing that my brother can drive well now :) Hehehe.

It's really a family movie, reminds me of the importance of time! Today is the last day of 2011!! Time flies (sounds cliche, but it's true!!) A neighbor talked to me last week, "I thought you just started university yesterday and now you're going to graduate". I found 'old' photo of me and my cousins in 2004 at the pilgrimage site, my cousin was slightly taller than my waist but now she's at same height with me.

Every year I write resolutions in my dream book. Some are accomplished, many are not, but I love the feeling that we're working towards something. Of course dreams do change and evolve. Junior high school to high school years, my big plans were filled with 'materialistic' things: good grades, getting accepted in high school, or getting scholarship, or participated in competition a-b-c. 'Small' plans were things like traveling to a,b,c, writing novel (that never comes to be since 2008..Hahahaha), blogging every day (which ends up one post in a few days depends on the idea, time, and mood!). Spiritual plans were based on the 7 Habits that were given to me in retreat 2 years ago, things like daily mass, examination of conscience, saying the Angelus, saying rosary, doing spiritual reading, (I forgot the other two). The struggle now is different, it's not only about 'doing it', but to really keep presence of God the whole day, to really love God through these little norms and not making them as just a routine, to really stop doing something and start praying when I know it's the time to do it.

I read somewhere in the Conversation with God, "Signs are like little lamps, follow it even though the rest is darkness." Remember I've been telling you about how blur my vision is about what'll happen from May onwards?? Thank God he showed me this reflection again. No need to worry about the darkness, God has shown me lots of signs on my way there. I just need to ask for His grace, to be closer to Him, and ask Him, "Lord, what do you want me to do?"

Time is short. Though I've been 'celebrating' new year for many years, some years are special due to some reasons. New year's eve 2007 was different because I was about to graduate from high school. New year's eve 2008 was also different because there was another event that kinda made me feel that things wouldn't be the same. Now is also a different new year because I will experience a new phase of life in 2012.

as I told my other friends, "start 2012 with a cheerful spirit!!!", now I'm telling myself to be the same :):)
as my mom and aunt told me, "pray" :):)
as Joshua,one of the legionary, told me, "don't forget to do your thesis even though it's holiday", duhhh... he's correct...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!! :D :D

ohh so what's my BIG PLAN for 2012?
hmmm it's similar with my 'BIG PLAN' in 2008, due to many uncertainties, I've made plan A-Z
plan A: master's research in UK
plan B: working as behavioral therapist for children with autism
plan C: master's research in NUS --> yah..now I'm seriously thinking about it

but the most important of all is, I want to be like St. Therese of Lisieux! She wrote, "I want to be a saint!!" :):)
the big defects that I really want to tackle next year:
1. my laziness!!!
2. lack of temperance (see how I'm angry then you'll understand, see how I watch Korean drama in 3 days and you'll understand :P)
3. gossip -.- --> especially the subtle ones..

wahh this post is getting longer and longer..
well, next plan is, I also want to increase supply of bottled sunshine for other people!!! HAHAHAHA.. It's weird, but I hope other people can be bottled sunshine too :):)

God bless!! :)
Selamat Tahun Baru!!

a thousand cranes!!

When I (finally) cleaned up my room, I found a box filled with some cranes. I think it should be around 10-20 of them. Then I remembered my promise to Nic, my best friend in 2008, "I'll make 1000 cranes for you! Every time I miss you in Spore, I'll make a crane instead!" Before I left Indo, I think I've made around 100 cranes.

It's 2011 now and I almost graduate! I have not made cranes again for her. It doesn't mean that I don't miss her while I'm in Sg!! Hehehe. It's just that I didn't think of making crane. Now if I miss my best friends, I just 'shout' on facebook, "NICCCCCCCCCCCC..NYZZZZZZZZZ...PRILLLLLLLLLLLL." (hayiaa, not as romantic as making 1000 cranes right??) Should I postpone my deadline and give the 1000 cranes as wedding gift for her one day? (grin...reminds me of our last chat with Nyz too! HAHAHAHA)

I think there's a legend that if your wish will come true after you make 1000 cranes. Hehehe.
this post has too many "haha" and "hehehe" and I guess only Nic, Nyz, Pril can smile or laugh at this post! :D

Adolescent Psychology

I've never thought of taking this module before, but the more I think about this module, the more I'm interested in it. 1-week-internship in Jakarta made me realize how I only know a few things about adolescence. The interesting thing about learning about adolescence is it's still possible to look back at myself, or read my diary to track my thought, or look at my cousin to 'analyze' myself or my cousin. Hahaha. While most of my modules so far are around babies, I don't have frequent interaction with babies, my little cousins are not little anymore :P

Some issues that I really want to learn about adolescence: the self-concept, friendship, intergenerational conflict (parents-teens conflict), sexuality issues, and addiction. Even though we all 'have-been-through-that-age' before, even though I'm 'still' 21 (well, I'm not old yet :P), we tend to forget how it feels like to be adolescent. We forget how confusing the world was and we forget how we hate it when 'older' people advice us, "We've been through that, trust us, you are wrong."

So yeah... I'm looking forward for this module!!
and the lecturer this semester apparently is my Psych Assessment lecturer!! --> very lively!! hahaha..

When the lights went out

Last week, the lights suddenly went out around 8pm. My mom, dad, my brother, my grandma, and me ended up sitting in the dark (not really a total darkness coz we had 'emergency light') and talking 'cock'. We ate mangoes in the dark and the conversation went like this:

grandma: a.....q
mom: r....z
grandma: d....f
me: x.....z

It means...our topics were not related to each other. HAHAHAHA..

The good thing about this darkness was everyone had chance to sit together with nothing else to do except talking to each other!! :D :D

the hard truth

the hard truth that I've found after cleaning up my wardrobe..

1. there's a small chance that I'll stay in Indo more than 3 weeks for the next 3 years. Most of my clothes are not used, the white ones changed colors already, and the wardrobe is just too full for short-term stay.

2. I've grown up. Those shirts that are still nice but with too much Mickey Mouse or Tweety or Bobo (a child magazine icon) are just not for me anymore.

3. I've gained weight. Hahaha. Many are too tight and look ugly when I wore them.

sigh!!!
As much as I want to have adventures, I want to have a home. Proper home. To settle down. Whatever it means. Last night I dreamed that I got the job to be therapist!! Hahaha. The salary was Rp 700,000 (SGD 100), but I was so happy in my dream coz I could work even in my final semester. Every time I go to IKEA (hardware and interior shops, like ACE Hardware in Indo), I'm looking forward to having my own house. Sometimes I wonder whether having messy room 'is-in-my-blood' hahaha coz that is what happens in our house :P Messy house, messy room even though I'm not staying in my room for 8 months (my room is just another storage when I'm away), but I do love my home. It's a HOME, not only a house.

At the same time, I don't know how it feels to stay at home more than 2 weeks. The last time I did it was in my first year first semester. I'm just worried it'll be too frustrating coz I depend on LOTS of people. I feel restricted!!

I know it's a childish complain, but I hate it when:
1. my parents forget that I'm a final year student, that I'm going to work REAL SOON
(provided I get a job SOON)
2. consciously or unconsciously, I'm part of the middle class people who sits at the backseat and looks at the people around me through the car window.
3. I have to admit, that I love the comfort that Singapore has provided for me. The comfort that makes me have the 'freedom' and when I am in Singapore, I also love the protection that my parents give me.
I feel that I'm nowhere....I'm trapped..

as I walked the same path

There was a small street, a shortcut from church to my school.

I used to walk through that small street with my friends when we somehow had the habit to pray in the church after school is over (it was our final year).

As I walked the same path,
if it's like a movie, things were flashing in my brain. I remember I took a picture with my best friends in the last month of school. I have a friend who acts like my 'bodyguard' that kept saying, "Da, be careful" and told other friend, "Ferninda is fragile, must protect her! I take this side, you take that side" She's so funny!! She's not even a Catholic, but she prayed with us in the church too.

As I walked the same path,
I recalled those people whom we met accidentally on our way there.

Then I walked pass the hall where me and my friends had our co-curricular activity: dance!!
Then I walked pass the parking lots for bikes
Then I waited at the side of the road for the traffic light to turn green for me.

things do change.
Somehow I know by the time I leave Indo this time,things will not be the same. My 'vision' is limited up to May. After May my vision is blur.
Next year (which is next week), will be a different phase of life for me. Even if I study again, I'm not an undergraduate anymore. If I work, it'll be different too.

Christmas 2011

This year me and my family attended Christmas Eve mass at the Church of St. Laurensius, a 'semi-parish' (in Indo, we call it 'stasi', a stage before parish. It will officially become a parish next January (in a few weeks time!!). The church has a dome structure and the interior is similar with the Church of St. Peter and Paul in Singapore. Hence, despite the smell of new-ness and modernity, it's actually a form of back-to-old-age architecture. That's why I love being inside this church.

We arrived at 5pm, 2 hours before the mass. As predicted, we only got seats behind the pilar. Next to me two kids were fighting over PSP, behind me a high school boy kept talking to his friend. However, when the mass started, I was amazed that the kids beside me paid attention to the mass and even sang very well with their mom while I needed to turn around to my back, gave my super-unfriendly-look to that high school boy and pointed-to-my-ear-plus-showed-begging-hand-gesture which means, "Silence pleaseeee!!!" Anyway, it was a beautiful mass :) In the homily, the priest gave us this story: a man went to have his hair cut and the barber said, "I don't believe in God. If God exists, why are there so many bad things in this world?" The man could not reply him. He went out and saw a homeless guy with shabby clothes and long hair which was not taken care by the owner. He went to meet the barber again, "I think there's no barber in this world." The barber said,"How come? I'm a barber and I did cut your hair." The man replied, "See the homeless guy outside? His hair is long, so no barber in this world."  The priest reminded us that we need to come to Jesus, let Jesus work and 'cut our hair'.

After mass, my family had a nice dinner near the church. Yummy!! My mom was quite surprised that I'm not as picky as before. According to her, I also eat more. *duhh...*

Next day, CHRISTMAS DAY!! As 'usual', I went to the parish near my school to help out in distributing Christmas souvenirs for all kids that attended children liturgy. I actually dunno most people in the youth group anymore, but I still know the leader of that group who is my senior in school so I keep coming back for...hmmm 7 years? hahaha. We, 'oldies' (read: those youth who are at borderline of university and working world) were stationed at the parking lot which means that more children are more likely not getting souvenirs, more patience is needed to tell them to queue and to smile to the parents who insist that the kids have not got the souvenirs. Thank God this year we had enough souvenirs for the kids.

After that, I went to my high school friend's house near the church. It was soo funny. I hugged her at the side of the street, we screamed, "ahhhh loong time no see", while many cars were stopping because of the traffic light. Suddenly one window was opened, and it was our high school friend in the car!! hahaha. We ended up chatting with her for the last 90 seconds of the red light. :P

In the evening, my family and my uncle's family had dinner together. Ahhh so niceeeee :);)

Dear Jesus,
thank you sooooo muchhhhhh :):)

Little Stories from Thailand

Two weeks ago was the first time for going for a service project. It was quite short, only 1 week. Other service projects are typically 2-3 weeks. It was also not an 'ambitious' service project, such as aiming at building something that's sustainable, however, after a short reflection in the middle of the week, I realized this 'simple' volunteering in a school is very beautiful. One of us reminded me, "We do not come here to solve social problems, but we want to see Christ in each child and be like Christ for the kids." It's hard, but it's beautiful..

On the first day, we played with the kids in the school yard. I talked to them in English and my broken Thai, we played 'Train of Love' (we made a huge circle, sang 'Train of Love', moved forward and backward along with the word 'chiki' and 'chaka'). On the second day, my first lesson with another volunteer was in Primary 3. All the lesson plans were useless coz they didn't understand us :( and they couldn't read lots of English words even though they could say the words. Primary 4 was better and not as shy as Primary 3 kids.

Memorizing their names were another challenge!! hahaha.. But on the third day, the principal made the kids used their name tags. We had one kid in Pri 4 whose name was "Nut 3" , apparently there were 3 kids with the same name, so it became Nut 1, Nut 2, Nut 3. Hahaha.

Oh noo...so many stories...hmm let me think..

The kids are very cute. They are very polite. The kindergarten kids did 'Wai' (put the palms together and greet other people) and bowed to the floor while they were sitting every time we entered class in the morning. The kids, like other kids, like to run around, but they follow the teachers easily every time the teachers instructed them to do something.

Two kids cried on the last day we were there... :( One of the kids, held my arm and told other kids that I am her mom. (Don't think that I look old!) But I do think there might be sth with her mom coz when she wrote card, she wrote "I love Father, I love P' Lea (another volunteer, I love P'Ninda).

The people in Nakhon Ngayok were very helpful, especially Ajarn Aurapan, the principal :)

I just love Thailand..and the kids too :):) It hurt me when they asked me whether I'll come back one day, I just could say that I'm not sure.

Will pray for you, Nong... :)

My Brother

I Just realized that it's very hard to find 'proper' picture with my brother when we grow up. See how 'sian' his face in the photo??? Hahahaha.

We're only 2 years apart, but 3 academic years apart because his bday is on 30 Dec. Yesterday I noticed that he's going to be 19 this year. He's not 'little' brother anymore (well, he's been 20centimeters higher than me since he was high school). How to describe my brother? Hmm..

He's very good in drawing!! I shouldn't be surprised at the end he chooses architecture. He also draws Japanese manga. He's just sooo good in drawing.

He has a good handwriting (if he wants too :P). Compared to my other guys-friends, he is better than my other friends :P

When we were young, we quarreled a lot, we even fought physically, but when we grow up, it's more into debate. We usually debate over small stuff, we even had a small debate when we were in Universal Studios *duhh*. I guess it's because both of us have sharp tounge hence it's very easy to start a fire.

He's very...practical? Hmm how to say.. Sometimes I see that he doesn't have any vision, but now I think about it, he does have vision.It's just that I don't see it because I judge him through my perspective only. He told me that once he graduates, he 'just' wants to earn lots of money, gets a good job, buy a house. He doesn't understand why I keep saying that I want to go back to Indonesia. If he were me, he wanted to get PR and bring my parents to Singapore.

Even though my brother looks aloof, apparently once he has girlfriend, he can be SUPER-care to the girlfriend. (note: me n my mom are jealous! Hahaha). He drove at 5.30am to his girlfriend's house to deliver a birthday cake so once the girlfriend woke up, she could see the cake. He doesn't talk much to me and my mom, but he calls his girlfriend everyday (at the same time he plays classical music in HIGH volume so that we don't eavesdrop him).

Ahhh... he likes body building these few years. He doesn't have those big muscles ( I told him not to have too-big-muscles, scary!), but now we can see him with some arm muscles and he aims to have six-packs. He taught me some sit-up and crunches methods :P Hahaha. One of my friend said that he's handsome, but I told my friend, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO... you're 1 year older than me, so you are 3 years older than my brother. I don't want to have you as my in-law. Hahaha." Of course my friend was only joking.

What do I miss from my brother? Hmmm.. Waking him up early before school? (Now he wakes up earlier than me when I am at home). It was a huge challenge for 9 years of my life (when he was Primary 1 till final year high school). I called him, tickled him, keep saying till screaming "Dot...Dot..." (Adot - nickname in family :P). He said, "5 minutes..." "5 minutes...." He ate the bread half-asleep till Coki (my dog) almost ate his bread. He slept again after he wore his uniform. Wow...now it feels such a long time ago.

He smiled during his baptism!!

Refused to be hugged by me.. (especially now. Hahaha)

My Mom

My mom is the one who always defends me in front of other people. When I was high school, when other parents asked my mom, how she let me, who was from science stream, went overseas ONLY to study psychology, she said, "Ohh now you have lots of stressed people. You need lots of psychologists." This afternoon when I complained how some people see that I'm taking 'useless' modules, my mom said that even though neighbors wandered why I study Thai instead of Chinese language, my mom said, "It's knowledge and it's unique. She likes it and I know it'll be useful." When I told her my worry and other "what-if questions", she said, "Just open your eyes. It doesn't matter whether at the end you do clinical psychology or not. It doesn't matter if you turn round-round-and-round till at the end you've found what you really like. It's okay to change interest. It's okay if you choose to expert in cultural stuff rather than psychology. Your decision is in your hand, but do ask God about it. I can only give advice, but you choose what you like."

My mom will hug me when I cry. Ohhh this is the thing that I miss the most. Sometimes there are cold nights here, I can't deny that 'bottled sunshine' can have cloudy moments. Let's say when I'm stressed of school work, or other CCA stuff (eg during NUANSA) or problems with friends or what, it used to be so easy. I just needed to crawl to her room and I just cried and hugged her. She's very wise and understanding. She can be hyperactive too (like mother like daughter :P), but that's what is funny about her. I remember a few days when I 'almost' broke up, I cried a lot in her room and she said, "Don't worry. Think about it like taking English course. You finish one level and now go up to the next level." I giggled a bit when I cried. I mean, who gave an analogy of breaking up with English course??? Hahahaha.

My mom is a strong woman. The more I grow up, the more I contemplate on how I was such a bad girl and how she's very patient. I was (am? dunno :P) very stubborn. When I was angry, I would slam the door. When I didn't want to do something, I would stomp my foot and walked away. She's patient, but she's firm with me. If she said "No!", it just means "No!". When I was Primary 6, she gave me a small book for diary, told me to write my feelings there, not to throw my anger to my grandma (I still keep the diary hahaha). In our family, we also have problems, stuff that I can't write here, even until now, but she's there. She keeps praying, she keeps cheerful, she NEVER blames God.

Most of the times, she knows what I want to talk about before I mention it. Most of the times, if she said "Don't do this," if me or my bro keeps doing it, sth bad happens. She knows I like to scrutinize little things in my head, she knows I like to worry too much, but she's never bored encouraging me, saying the same thing over and over again even though sometimes I comment in a bad manner, "Mom, u dunno how it feels..." But I guess she knows..she understands..

I love the fact that I can talk about many things to my mom. I can say that nothing I can hide from my mom: From school to work, on faith, even about guys (not all girls can talk to their mom openly about guys). I know her love story, she told me her 7-year-RCIA-journey, she told me her happiness, her disappointment when she was young, her idealism, what thing I should hope and not hope, hahaha. One thing I 'envy' her, I can't bake cake (my mom said, I should TRY, she said that my problem is I don't know whether I can do it or not because I DON'T try) :P

My Dad

I had a beautiful experience talking to my mom through phone this afternoon and was inspired to write posts on series on my family. Hahaha. Let's start from my dad.

My Dad
How to describe him? Let me start with unique things about him. He did cross-stitch. We have a huge last supper cross-stitched by him in our living room, another one on lakeside view in my grandma's house. The interesting thing is he cross-stitch them in a consistent manner, eg if you stitch from top-left to bottom-right then top-right to bottom-left, he will not swap to top-right to bottom-left then top-left to bottom-right. As a result, even if you see his cross-stitch closely, all stitch will have same direction.

He likes orchid. He grows some orchid at home and when we visited his principal's office near my grandma's house, the principal often gives him the little orchid for my dad. (how to describe? the young orchid? the one still in the bottle)

My dad doesn't say vulgarities at home. After realizing how it's so easy for the people here to swear and say vulgarities, I've noticed that my dad doesn't say vulgarities at home.

He's generous. The way he looks at beggar, the way he pays attention when people from donation booth (let's say UNICEF booth) approaches him, is just amazing. He will give when he's moved to give despite the fact that people say A-Z not to give, he will just do it if he feels that he can and he should give.

The picture above was taken on his birthday. It was the first time we made surprise for him. We successfully pretended to forget his birthday. Hahaha. Then we wrote bday wishes for him in small rolled paper (we = my family, my cousins, my aunt and uncle). We went out for dinner as if it's a normal going-out-session-for-dinner.

He replied SMS maximum 3 words. The most common reply are "Ok" or "In office" or "why like that?" Hahaha. Sometimes I feel that it's getting harder to talk to him because he doesn't really talk much. The only time we talked much was when I told him about my study plan (study and work plan) and at that moment, I could feel he really tried to understand my plan: is there scholarship? what's the difference between this programme and another? and at the end, his only question was, "Until when you wanna study?" :P

The only thing that I wish now is seeing him baptized. He goes to church with us, but of course he can't receive holy communion yet. He wants to wait for elderly RCIA because it only takes 3 months. My mom was already happy when he could recite the Lord's prayer and Hail Mary. He prays in front of our altar every morning before working.

The thing that I miss about him...hmmm.. Watching world cup with him? I felt quite sad watching world cup alone last year, but Thank God I could go home around semifinals so we watched semifinals and finals together :):)

Oh...one thing about him, he rarely disagreed with me 'directly'. When I was accepted in NUS, he told my mom that I shouldn't go. Not only because of no scholarship, but because of other stuff too, he's quite worried. However, my mom reminded him how he also didn't let me go when I was secondary school and he promised me to let me try for university. My mom told him how disappointed I will be if this time he didn't let me go. When I was high school and he knew that I had boyfriend, my mom told me that he asked my mum lots of stuff like, "Who's the guy? What's his ethnicity? What's he going to study in university?" but he didn't ask a single thing from me.

My dad is not the perfect man in the world, but I thank God that he's the way he is now.

evolution of girls' talk about guys

I should admit that between me and my friends, one of our most favorite topic is talking about guys. From me and my best friends in Indo, me and my roommate, me and my hall neighbor, and disclaimer: it's not only me, but US as girls. Hahaha.

However, conversation does evolve. Canteen talk during secondary school break or phone call in some evenings revolve around school and 'charming' boy. He doesn't need to be handsome, but usually when always happened that he was "ok...." or even if he's 'not ok', because of his skill or his style or his joke then he becomes 'ok' and can be me and my friends' topic of conversation. During secondary school, criteria of like/"love" most of the times still depends on how hard your heart beats when you are near the guy or like in the movie "Crazy little thing called love", how often you want to walk pass his class just to catch a glimpse of him.

Moving to high school, things were getting slightly more serious. We still admired good-looking guys, hearts were beating fast when you are near the guy that you think you like, but whether you like the guy or not doesn't depend on different stories. Some friends used to not like the guy that at the end became their boyfriends, it's just that my friends' heart melted after these guys' perseverance. Hence, conversation evolved to how these guys have successfully made the girls smile and love them. Unfortunately, some guys are not thankful enough that my friends at the end melted and loved them back. These are the guys who just chase girls for the sake of the fun of 'chasing'. Stupid guys! (oops, sorry...disclaimer: not all guys are bad, not all girls are good). Some other friends had complicated situations due to the existing friendship with the guys. One side expected more-than-just-friends, one side is not. Then, our conversation was on hypothesis on "whether-this-guy-likes-me-or-not". There was not any discussion on 'long-term' hope. The maximum vision is up to hoping that the guy likes you back and both of u are attached. Mission accomplished.

Then, we move to university life, the moment when we are not teenagers anymore, when I can't force my age to be "twen-teen". At this stage, though girls do talk about handsome guys, usually we have 2 category of guys: those to be admired only and those to be "loved" (or actually, hoping that this guy loves you.. Someone's mom said: Love a guy that love you more than you love him! --> I forgot whose mom, confirmed a girl's mom). Topics are not on "get-the-guy-to-love-you", but most of the times of "What if..." and "But..." Things like his religion, family background, attitude towards some issues, become a topic of discussion. Definitely things are not fairytales anymore. Discussion starts with an "If..." and ends with a "Just see how and let it flow.." Feelings become deeper, but at the same time, we generally don't want to fall so deep like when we were in high school. We use more empirical evidences to discuss why you should or should not like this particular guy, whether you should or should not keep close with this guy, and what to hope and not to hope.
While we used to refer to magazines and radio when we were high school and secondary school, now we cited parents/uncles/aunties/neighbors, eg "Don't keep in a relationship only with a hope that 'he will change someday' if you know that you can't take that thing because 99.9% people can't change that bad thing whatever it is. Unless you think that you can ACCEPT that particular thing, BREAK OFF the relationship NOW so you don't waste your time."

Anyway, I'll be home SOON! and this time I'm looking forward for one of my best friend's update who was just attached two (?) weeks ago. Well, this is an example of how complicated the situation was. Apparently this guy's name, attitude, background, closeness with my best friend, and so on and so forth have been mentioned in our discussion since MONTHS ago, and only two weeks ago (finally) they became 'official' :P

conversation topics have shifted..
we grow up..
though maybe parents still think that it seems like we don't think about it (or we are still childish coz we scream when we see handsome guys on magazine cover), we do think and talk about it :)

3 years

Yesterday at 9am my phone vibrated. My first reaction was like, "Hmm? Is it a birthday reminder? I couldn't remember any birthdays today." It turned out that it was a reminder of 3 years taking promise as a Legionary. Hahaha.

3-years is a long and short period for me. It's long because the first time I came to Legion of Mary, I was only based on following people's question, "Are you coming for welcome tea?" Since I was free, I came to their welcome tea. "Do you want to visit our meeting?" "Ok." Then, I came 2nd time and 3rd time, still with limited English (I couldn't even remember the Lord's prayer and Hail Mary in English), was blur when they talked about 'monstrance', 'benediction', 'Patrician Meeting' bla bla bla... Then they asked the question, "Do you want to be probationary?" I also didn't know what that word meant. Hahaha.

Last week I was digging my Yahoo! inbox to find the reflection on Legion promise that Imma sent me three years ago. Re-reading her email reminded me how she (and other Legionaries) helped me in my first semester. I remember Imma asked stuff like, "How do you find Legion so far?" or "How's university life?" (coz she knows I'm busy in hall). Imma was the one who told me the importance of spiritual input and in my second year (my busiest year), there was a time when she kept giving me morning call for mass. There was one time I picked her phone, said yes, and SLEPT AGAIN!!! HAHAHAHA...

At the same time, recalling how in Legion seminar or Senatus level mass I saw lots of uncles and aunties who have been legionaries for soooooooooooooooooooooo looonggg, I am amazed. Hehehe. Things will be different, especially when you go to the next phase of your life, there'll be lots of challenges. Working life will be different from univ.life, the composition of the people will be different (let's say when you transfer to other praesidium). Of course I should think of the basics, what Legion of Mary is all about, why I'm (still) here, and so on and so forth, but humanly speaking, I know things will keep changing.

I think God is very amazing. Well, I don't to think about it, God IS amazing. I mean...His working style is very unique. Hahaha. Whatever happens now or in the future, He is really amazing. This journey in Legion of Mary started 'only' when Lloyd talk to me in Matric Fair booth, gave me the miraculous medal, when Carina was waiting for me at McDonalds engineering to show me the way to welcome tea, when Krizia led the presentation on what Legion of Mary is, when I 'watched' the senior legionaries shared their reports, knelt saying the rosary, explained A-Z to me.

Thank you, Mother Mary :) it's a beautiful journey... :)

'downgrade' grad trip

Actually I've nvr imagined having a graduation trip before. It's not in my vocabulary. Hahaha.

The last most confirmed grad trip ideal for me was going to Japan - Korea - China - Taiwan (I think it's Ian's idea) and to do it with Evi, Nic, Pril, Nyz. Then, after the trip to Bangkok with Nic, Pril, Nyz, I've realized that we all will graduate at different time. Some might have already worked in May.

After going to India, there was sort of a change of plan in my head. Let's go soft-trekking at Himalaya! Hahaha. After a few trainings, I found out that mountaineering is not about trekking (oops), so I told myself, Okay...let's see how. If the situation (physical and financial) is permissible, perhaps I can go for Technical Mountaineering Course (TMC) as my grad trip. So yeah..let's see...

However, it seems that I need to confirm SOON. Now I feel that it seems impossible to finance my TMC. Hahaha. So I still save some hope to join the soft-trek Himalaya, but somehow I'm kinda lower down my expectation. Perhaps coz now I'm more "money-conscious". Soon I'll need to pay my tuition fee loan (well, my parents will pay too, but there's also a hope to be financially independent). Then, I also hope to go to World Youth Day 2013 in Brazil. Furthermore, there's this feeling of "it's enough", as in...don't go because of greedy feeling. Hahaha. As in.. If I really want to go WYD, it seems that I MUST really save up from now. Hahahaha.

Anyway, I told someone that even if I don't go to India or anywhere, I'll still do my grad trip even in Indonesia. I have not really explored my own country!! :P If everything goes well, I'll either have 2 exams on 26 April next semester or only 1 exam on 26 April, then I can escape immediately. :P

It's quite hard to plan anything now because I dunno whether I'll study or work afterwards. It's silly right?? first of all, I must plan my work/ study MORE than I think of my grad trip! HAHAHAHAHA..
Anyway, I've set my target for December and January. I will push myself for the research proposal and apply for jobs at the same time. I think I'll most likely rent a room instead of a house too because even if I work next year, I want to apply postgrad again. Anyway, I think nothing is permanent. Even though I write a lot about grad trip or this stuff or that stuff, soon some stuff will seem meaningless and you'll find more meaningful stuff once you go to the next phase. As an illustration, I can't imagine myself not dancing anymore, but here I am, I haven't danced for 8 months. I'm alive, I'm happy, though I still miss dancing sometimes, at the same time I'm not that motivated to practice myself. So yeah..things change over time :):)

the moral of the story: don't worry, be happy!! :D:D keep dreaming, keep doing your best, keep praying!! :):)

Did you sleep well?

When I went to Bangalore for the internship programme, two of my friends couldn't get the visa on time so they came 1.5 weeks later than the rest of the group. In the first morning during breakfast, some of us asked her, "Did you sleep well?" She smiled happily and said everything's ok. Apparently because all of us came down for breakfast at different time, she was asked for quite a lot of times whether she had slept well. She asked us happily, "Why did everyone ask me whether I slept well?" and we replied, "Because you just came last night and we were wondering whether you had enough rest :) "

Sleeping is just a part of our daily life. It's so normal, everyone does it every day, but apparently it is also a precious thing, eg for people who have insomnia. To be able to sleep is such a treasure.

In these 2 weeks, my friend asked me sometimes, "Do you sleep well?" Initially I don't know what to answer because no one asked this question. Hahaha. The second time she asked me, I couldn't sleep easily the previous night, so I told her, "Hmm.. Actually I didn't really sleep well last night." Then at that moment I realize how the quality of sleeping affects your stamina the next day, how I should be grateful to be able to sleep peacefully :), how taking care of my sleep (doesn't mean I must sleep 10 hours :P) is also part of an effort to keep my body healthy.

So you can ask your friend tomorrow, "Did you sleep well?" :)

The Art of Perseverance

Inspired by a random conversation with my roommate.

My roommate attends a cell group outside school weekly and the cell group consists of university students and working people. She told me that one of the member who is working now told her that attending cell group has been a burden lately and weekly attendance is just too much. Sometimes my roommate also feels tired of attending the cell group weekly, especially in her final year.

At that moment, I shared with her about the beauty of persevering. When something feels like a burden, it doesn't mean we should give up and compromise (let's say coming every alternate week rather than weekly). I asked her what makes her going to cell group initially and I asked her to try to imagine what will happen if she stops attending cell group. Furthermore, there might be other people out there that will be inspired by her perseverance :):)

It's very hard to persevere. Sometimes we might not even see the point of keep struggling, keep trying. There were some moments early in this semester, I was so disillusioned by the idea that "No matter how hard I try, it's still very hard to get good grades, it's still too competitive to work in the area that I want," and this idea makes me give in more to the inclination to be lazy. However, after the retreat, I was reminded again that we can offer every little thing for God. Nothing will be wasted and if we think of our effort attending cell group even though we are tired or our struggle to keep reading our notes although we feel bored as an offering for God, we want to do it well, as best as we can, not for ourselves, but for God and to pray for other people.

Two more exams.. It's getting more challenging. I saw someone carrying luggage to go home and my roommate can already watch drama happily today!! HAHAHAHA..

but yeah..keep struggling, keep persevering, JIA YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! :):)

Durian!!

I am someone who believes that food is not only something that is supposed to fill your stomach. Each type of food has some memories in it, for example, durian and my family.

My mom said that she couldn't take the smell of durian when she was pregnant of me, while she was craving for durian when she was pregnant of my brother. I don't know why now I'm crazy of durian and my brother is super-disgusted with durian (too bad, he's the only who doesn't like durian in our family, ohhh..with my cousin too!). Some people said that my brother has had enough durian in my mother's womb.

At home, I could smell durian from the point my father brought it through our door. Even the smell of it can make me smile and scream, "Durian!! YEAYY!!" My mom said that when I eat durian, I eat with the same style with my grandma. Like grandma like granddaughter. Hahaha. The sad thing is I cannot choose a good durian. It's always my mom and dad who choose the durian. I know there's a difference between the pale-looking durian and the bright yellow, but I cannot remember which one is bitter and which one is sweet. Well, actually to be honest, I can't choose good and fresh fruits *duhhh...*

Anyway, I can't wait for Tuesday. Gonna eat durian for post-exam celebration. Yeayyy!!
Now back to study mood: i love pyschometrics- i love psychometrics - i love psychometrics (instruction: repeat 100x to psycho yourself)
ps.no need to psycho myself to love Thai coz I love Thai language already. 555+

Cute Stuff in My Room

Jenn and her new passport (yeay!)

Can't wait to go home!! :):) (umm, actually I've brought Jenn home since I came to Sg)

Family Picture.. Jennifer (rabbit), Piggy (the biggest), Jenn (red cow), umm no-name..

Mouse or bear???

Blanket

I have this flowery blanket in my room that I brought to Singapore only in my second year. When I saw this blanket at home in Indonesia, I told my mom, "My room in hall is very hot. There's no way I will use this blanket." However, my mom convinced me that the blanket's material is good and still can be used in normal weather. My mom is correct.

In the cold and rainy days in December, the blanket is much more comfortable than my striped-hospital-like blanket. Even in normal weather like last night, the blanket is very comfortable. I wrapped myself with the blanket and the blanket reminds me of my parents and home. I usually sleep turning to the wall's side, but last night, the blanket makes me miss home and I turned facing my table's side, looked at Mother Mary and talked to her about what I felt.

These exam days are kinda crucial for me. It's just a 'normal' exam, but there is this feeling of closeness to end-of-university-life. My subconscious mind reminds me of a few months more for upcoming commencement. The feeling that as I write again and again in this blog makes me smile and wants to cry at the same time.

From blanket to commencement..

Thank God for my family..

Eugene said that his friend said that studying in NUS is a privilege. He's correct. Everytime I take a walk in NUS, I still cannot believe that I'm here. It felt so impossible 4 years ago. Hence, I must make good use of time here and to do my best.

Hwahh... after exam is always a good time to reflect and write something. Hahaha.
Two more exams to go :):)

Living in the Present

*status: standing in photocopy room in Central Library*

I realize that sometimes I have difficulties to live in the present. Giving excuse to myself as "planning" or on the other extreme as "being nostalgic", I've wasted lots of time flying to the past or the future. I thank God for the light He has given me to be aware of this weakness.

Now I know why at certain moments, I feel a sudden mellow after a great happiness. In my final year in high school, I could feel a sudden loneliness around midnight. Despite the happiness that I felt with my friends at school, I was soooo scared and worried things would change because each of us would move the different universities. Sometimes I feel that worry again, especially now I'm in my final year. However, now I realize that what I should do is exactly to live in the present, to cherish every moment with my friends and not to waste it by being "emo" (I only learned this vocabulary when I entered university).

A few days ago I was involved with a conversation with my supervisor's research assistant (RA) and a master's student in clinical psychology. They were discussing about the RA's master's application to Australia. Suddenly I felt the worry again. Would I ever be able to continue and pursue further studies? Everything is so competitive. Thank God a sentence by the master's student struck me, "Don't worry. Now just focus on your exam." She's correct. If I worry too much about what will happen in 1 or 2 years, obviously I will mess up my exams. Now I just need to do my best for my exams that are really standing RIGHT in front of my eyes.

I've just done my first exam. Although I felt that I've wasted lots of time in my 13 weeks of school, I feel really grateful for the blessing that He has given me this semester. I can feel that God helped me a lot to sit still and persevere in my study, to catch up during reading week. This is the best reading week that I've ever had. Hopefully I can continue to persevere till the end of this semester (not only up to 29 Nov because I still need to catch up on my thesis after that :P)

Amen!! :) Thanks for all your prayers :)

nice song... :)

checkpoint

Beautiful Saturday morning was spent with my lecture notes and coursepack. I was not as focused as last Thursday, but I'm glad that I've done a bit of revision.

So yeah..Here I am.. At the end of week 12, beginning of week 13, and just one more semester then I'll be graduating. This semester has been interesting. The modules are tough, interesting, but honestly not as exciting as my third year's modules. Anyway, I do learn a lot from my modules. Taking psychometrics module and psychological assessment module at the same time really helps me to read the journal articles for my thesis in a different perspective. The modules have built my intuition in looking at my thesis data. I've thought of more and more questions in my head, I'm still not sure how to make it concrete with the statistical analysis, but I'm still thankful the questions are there in my head.

The module on painting was more interesting at the beginning of the semester compared with the ones after recess week. Perhaps it's because I'm more interested in traditional art, such as paintings on Shiva Nataraja, Buddha, or Chinese painting, compared with renaissance 'and friends'. Hehehe. Nevertheless, I do hope that now if I visit arts museum, I can understand which one is impressionist, post-impressionist, renaissance, cubism, etc.

I guess the most interesting modules of this semester are the human rights module and Thai language. I have sore eyes of reading Thai script, but it's getting more and more interesting. I feel the excitement that I felt when I read Chinese characters in my first year. Human rights module is very broad, but those particular weeks when I read Thomas Pogge's article were very fulfilling. I guess partly it's because the article is nostalgic, reminds me of the leadership training, and because that article is the reason why I take the module.

Thesis?
Slow but sure.. My supervisor has been very supportive. I have not revised my introduction, started reading again a bit a few weeks ago, but other than that I 'only' keyed in data. I'll need to work more after my exams.

I can't believe end of the year is coming. I browsed NUS job portal, IMH website, and autism partnership website two days ago. I realized that it'll be hard and very competitive. Sigh. Well, now I'd better focus on my exams, then I'll revise my research proposal for master's application, settle my introduction chapter for thesis, and start sending resume. It seems like the real break will only start on 18 Dec.

failure

They said that failure is a delayed success.
When my lecturer said that 45% of the class failed, I knew that I was one of them.
Well, you can't change the score, so what I can do now is to study harder. I tried to clarify some slides with my lecturer. Yeah...I guess my problem is I didn't realize that I didn't understand. After I got the reply from my lecturer, I realized that I had lots of misunderstandings of the slides. It seems that every sentence that my lecturer said was important and I kept missing the details of his lecture, that's why I was confused.

Fiuhhhh.....
I hope I can pass this module..

simplicity

It was not just a coincidence when today's circle topic was "Simplicity". It was as if God affirmed me to reflect on this topic since yesterday, especially during the catechetical session. Yesterday the kids were assigned to make a "Thank You Card" for their friend. They were supposed to pair with each other and exchange the card. While most kids easily found someone to be given the card, some found it difficult. I was walking around and tried to encourage some kids who were confused to write a card to the catechist, Ms Ho.

At the end of the session, Clara handed me a card. I thought she just wanted to show me the card that she made, but when I opened, the card was for me! I was so happy and touched. She's so cute. I was wearing my red shirt with an "f" (for 'ferninda') hahaha, and she drew myself with the shirt. Hahaha. Then, while we were planning the class party for next week, George told me, "Next Sunday is my birthday." Not enough saying it to me, he also approached Ms Ho to tell her that next week is his birthday. They're just so cute and innocent and they'll say things that they want to say. Nothing to be hidden. Even a kid that is often seen 'naughty' by his friends says things frankly. When I asked him why he didn't want to write the "thank you card", he answered, "I don't have friends." Very sad... :(:(

The kids are very simple. Years ago someone in my parish told us, child's faith is amazing. He told us that his son saw a sport car passed by and the son told him, "Papa one day we'll have that car." :) During circle, Joyce told me how her friend's son, after he was told that it's going to rain and they might not be able to have BBQ, spontaneously put his hands together and said, "Ok mama, let's pray." At the end, it did not rain.

:):)
Lord, teach me to have this childlike faith, to be simple, and to be sincere. Amen.

Thanks!

Just wanna say,
"Thanks!!!" :):):)

Friendship

This morning I suddenly thought about friendship. I guess it was also influenced by previous post because I was looking back at my friendship with my friends since primary school up to now. I was also thinking of the friendship that I have in NUS and I talked to God about my friends this morning.

Thank you Lord for my friends that you send for me here. The fact that this is my fourth year makes me reflect how I've journeyed with some friends for 3 years. I might not know them well enough, but it's always nice to accompany them or to be accompanied by them. This morning God reminded me to cherish the friendship, especially because most of the times, I only realize how precious they are when leave.

Farewell was not in my dictionary when I was 2nd year coz I thought that I just came to Singapore and experienced farewell when I left Indo, but yes, there was a farewell. Imma left for further study in UK. I was quite sad that time and until now I still remember how she used to wake me up with morning call for mass. I think just before Imma left (or after?), a friend in Opus Dei also left to Rome, but farewell is not only about 'moving to another part of the world', it can also happen when people start a new phase of life. When my seniors graduated and started working, everything changed. That's why I am very happy that Krizia, Dom, and Paul are still in NUS Legion (and I can still meet Carina even though we are separated by green line MRT hehehe). It's kinda like God gives me more time to grow in this friendship with them before each of us move to next phase of life. Hmmm..how to say.. Okay it's like this.. When I came here, Andrew and Handy are year 3. When I was year 3 and I already felt close with them, they all moved out and 'bubye!' Hehehe. I still have chance to have dinner together with Legion seniors and it makes me happy coz now I already feel close with them and I still can journey with them even in my fourth year.

I'd like to talk about another kind of friendship. Hmm.. Something about chemistry? How it seems like there's chemistry between some friends and you feel comfortable with them even though you don't know them before. I experience this with Cui Shan and Sylvia. Me and Cui Shan were just random roommates for 2 weeks in Bangalore, but somehow I can feel the bond as friends :) I met Sylvia in the early weeks of school once, then since then, I feel that she's very nice to talk to and we just meet every week to catch up stories from each other. Hehehehe.

Someone said that junior feels closer to senior than how senior feels. I dunno how true it is, but I was so happy when at the end I talked to Brigitta through skype (thanks dom! :P). There's this unexplained joy when I can talk random things from 'useful' things to 'useless' things..hahaha..Actually I don't believe that we talked about 'useless' things, sometimes these 'useless' things that we talked about are the ones that make us laugh. HAHAHAHA.. When I received her postcard, I smiled as if I received $1000 (hmm, actually I don't know..I haven't received sudden cash before :P). Hahaha.

Thank God for the people you send to accompany me..
Amen..
:):)

sigh!!!!

status: cloudy

My friend complained after midterm "Oh nooo..I lost 4 marks.." It seems like she's sure about her other questions. To be honest, I felt so dumb because I wasn't even sure about my z-score calculation (it was the simplest question today).


I should just be like other people, no need to take this too-technical-module which is filled with people that scream "Oh noo..I have to submit homework every week, so unlucky" --> but she got A in every homework anyway.. or "Noo..cannot," when they were asked to write question on the whiteboard --> but they actually got it correctly on the tutorial worksheet. I should have just chosen "easy" modules to pull up CAP (or just to S/U). No one takes Level 3000 module as GEM while you know that you can't S/U it. Taking module out of interest? Huhhh..

I don't want to say this, but I'm tired of studying (I won't say that I've studied hard enough though..what am I tired of actually??) Each week passes like exam-quiz-assignment-quiz. I have to force myself to write email to my supervisor to meet next Tuesday (if not, I'll not make progress).

Sorry, it's just a normal complain. I'll be okay soon anyway.. HAHAHA.. Just need to throw this rubbish out of my mind. I complain each semester for 3.25 years already, at the end it'll be okay (I hope!!)
The funny thing is I know that I have not put enough effort. At this point, let me imitate Paul's prof's prayer that Paul told us yesterday "Lord, do not let me fail." It's quite hard to hope even to 'maintain' my CAP..

Hoooshhh..HOOssshh...go away rubbish..hooshh..hooshh..fall-get up-fall-get up..Lord please help me to get up again..:) Amennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.........

Wedding

I can't help not to write this post! Hahaha..

This Thursday I'll be witness for my friend for registration of marriage. They're my close friends, as in, the girl is one year older than me and the guy is my senior 2 years university year older than me. Their wedding will still be held next year, so even after Thursday's ROM I will still count them as 'engaged', hahaha, but still..I'm so excited!!!

Furthermore, just now my friend (Thanks to Dennyz for ur post) mentioned about "axioo" new fee. It's a wedding photography company. Hahaha. Four of us like to watch their clips or just browse the wedding photos on that blog (despite the fact that only Nyz already has boyfriend :P). I dunno...these comments just make me knock my head and remind me that I'm 21. It was sooo fun in high school. Look at guy A and scream (on phone lah, not in front of the guy), "Kyaaa. So nice, so cute, or so and so..." Now our conversation once in every semester is like this, "Ok girls, time to update." Most of us will say: "Guy A is bla bla bla, BUT...." "I like guy B, BUT ..." or  "Hmmm..see how..nothing's special.." this "BUT" is an indicator that we are in real world, not in Disney movies. Unconsciously (or consciously), as we grow up, when we discuss about guys, we project the 'ideal' as future 'husband' (not only as boyfriend, my goodness, it's weird to write 'husband'). It doesn't mean that we want to look for a perfect guy, but we are much more careful than when we were in high school. We do talk about stuff that we foresee will be 'obstacles'.

This matter is even more interesting when we start talking about vocation. I used to think that when you say 'vocation', it means a calling to be a religious (nun, priest, etc), but when I attended vocational retreat in high school, I realized that marriage is also a vocation and that everyone is called to be holy, whether you are a religious, married, or lay-person with celibacy state. Hence, while my mom is always telling me to pray that when I like a guy, "God show me whether he's for me or not", I 'secretly' pray about the possibility of 'other' vocation too.. I mean, you never know right? We might be called for other paths.

My principle is "never say no or it's not possible" coz I know that some priests told us in homily that they were used to be bad boys too! hahaha, yet they were called too. At the same time, I guess I need to admit that it's very hard to say "yes" too. People do ask questions, I ask questions too.

Have you ever wondered why does God give some 'feelings' for us to some guys with whom relationships seem impossible? Or perhaps, the case is the reversed. Some friends were 'chased' by some super-persistent guys whom they really don't love (or don't love anymore). I told my mom that "I'm still young, can we please not talk about this?" (I won't say that she's chasing me to get boyfriend, but she's just worried that I study too much! HAHAHAHA), but to be honest, I think soon the pressure will be coming. Well, it's not only about pressure, but as you grow up (and especially if you stay alone somewhere out there), there are moments when you wanna have someone's special next to you. Somehow me and my friends start to feel 'trapped' in weird relationships that we never had before when we were high school. Things like you feel close with a guy, you go out together quite frequently (two of you!!), you expect more, but he doesn't. Initially we feel hurt, then after we get over it and move on, we've realized that it's just a part of life and 'wait' for another one to catch our eyes. HAHAHAHA..

My mom sometimes scolds me because I always tell her (not always, sometimes...) that "No mom, it's impossible" at the early stage of 'start-liking-someone'. Sometimes it's quite tiring to like (love?) someone, feels close, and "woosssh" the person just disappeared and you know that you are NOTHING..literally nothing.. But at the same time, you miss the feeling to love someone, do crazy little things for him to 'hint' him, hahaha, or just to make him happy :):) Especially once you reach a point when you don't care about yourself anymore and just want the best for him, wahhh..that's a very beautiful feeling coz you are even ready to let him go at this point.

For my best-friends, Nic, Pril, Nyz... This post is dedicated for four of us, have I summarized our most-favorite-topic-since-primary-school-till-now? Hahahaha.. Miss you all!! :):)
For Pril, who's somehow-always-at-similar-situation-with me, I haven't heard any updates from you! :P
For Nyz, happy saving for axioo! HAHAHAHA :) ps. you are going to work soon!
For Nic, hmm, I've said what I wanted to say in my SMS :)

Getting around 'city'

I don't feel like studying now, so let me post something about my feeling today.
After 3 years in Singapore, I still can't remember the ways around 'city' (Orchard Road- Beras Basah Road-Marina Square) =.= I also still cannot estimate how much time needed to go from one place to another place (I forgot that Orchard Road is crowded on Sunday!!)

I don't really feel sad about it, but today I was kinda reminded how rarely I go out during school term. There's nothing bad about it, but I can't help comparing it to my family ritual in Indo.

We attend mass at 8.30 am, then we always eat noodle together. In the afternoon, most of the times we go out to a shopping mall with my uncle's family. We don't really walk together everywhere in shopping mall. We usually split after we had lunch or dinner, but anyway, it's a family 'ritual' to go out together, especially 2 families. If I teach on Sunday, we'll attend the earliest mass at 6.30 am or Sunday evening because we usually go out on Saturday evening too.

When I was in Indo, I have this principle "NEVER STUDY ON WEEKEND!" I did study on Sunday, but only half a day. I only broke this principle when I was preparing myself for NUS Entrance Exam. Here in NUS there's no such principle. Actually now I don't really study on Saturday, but I do my homework at night. I usually study on Sunday (at least TRY to study on Sunday), but not because I want to study, it's because I'll end up feeling lonely if I don't study. But...when I was in Indo, my Monday to Friday was superhectic!! I really studied every day. There's no such thing like stoning in front of laptop doing useless thing (like what I do every day in NUS, now the bad habit is slightly decreased, thank God!). That's why I feel reluctant to NOT study on Sunday, coz I don't think I deserve the whole day as a break. :(

Anyway, the post doesn't match the title (as usual).
Gonna have dinner now and seriously study. At least this post is a reminder for me to make good use of my time. I'll take a proper break next Sunday and study well the whole week. Promise! :)

talking about the poor - part 2 - my promise to post my script

A response to Thomas Pogge’s book chapter

Chapter 8: Eradicating Systemic Poverty: Brief for a Global Resources Dividend

in “World Poverty and Human Rights” (Pogge, 2002)

Global Resources Dividend is a form of compensation paid by richer countries to the poorest countries. Those who consume more natural resources should compensate those who involuntarily use very little. Here is the illustration of GRD. Let’s say we charge $3 per barrel GRD on oil extraction. Because this dividend will be split among all end-users of petroleum products, the effect of the rising price is only 7 cents per gallon. The money will be disbursed to poor countries.

GRD needs to be done because the current system is unjust, hence many people are at the extreme end of poverty. Actually we can see poverty in two ways: first, we might fail in fulfilling our positive duty, which is the duty to help other people, or second, which is more stringent than the first one, we might fail in fulfilling our negative duty, by holding injustice, keep contributing to or profiting from the unjust poverty of others.

Pogge argued that seeing poverty as a violation to positive duty does not provide strong moral arguments and people choose to support the good cause that they want to help rather than put effort to help ‘strangers’ in extreme poverty. However, by showing that poverty is a violation of negative duty, there’ll be better moral conviction to solve extreme poverty problem that happens in other parts of the world. Previously, the poverty is an unjust radical inequality, which are defined as a condition where the poor’s condition are very bad both in absolute and relative terms and it’s very difficult to improve their lives, while the rich is really rich and can improve the situation of the poor without becoming poor themselves.

Nevertheless, these conditions are not enough to say that we have violated our negative duty. As an illustration, if we know that the people on Venus are very poor and do not do anything to help them, we surely violate a positive duty, but we do not violate our negative duty because we do not profit from their misfortune or contribute in maintaining their poverty. Hence, Pogge proposed 3 grounds of injustice which he believed can classify the current radical inequality as unjust and the maintenance of this unjust system as a violation of negative duty, so if we can approve these 3 approaches, we should reform the system and move towards justice (which can be done through his GRD proposal). In this presentation I will defend the first two arguments because these arguments can show that the poor’s right to access to basic needs (ie food) has strong moral foundation, just like other civil and political rights. However, I will show that the third approach has weakness which can make his whole arguments trapped in the dichotomy of liberal vs socialist or Western vs Asia sentiments, just like other debates in human rights, and defeat the whole purpose of raising moral conviction of this issue.

The first approach is there is a global system that is shaped by the rich and forced on the poor and the maintenance of this system causes the radical inequality. This radical inequality cannot be traced to extra social factors such as genetic handicaps or natural disasters. As an illustration, most people will think that the governments in the poor countries are corrupt. The fact is many of these governments are bribed by foreign investors who have more economic power. Other examples are “the  exporting hazardous waste, economic sanctions that deprive poor countries of basic resources, financing development projects that displace people, enforcing restrictive patent laws (book, medicine)” (Chong, 2010). Hence, the global economic system is so interconnected and it has benefited the rich, that’s why many people maintain this injustice system and this is a form of violation of negative duty because we keep getting profit from this unjust system.

The second approach is the disproportionate use of natural resources. Even though the poor are paid for selling their natural resources, most money go to the other rich people, the middle-men, between the richest and the poorest. High price of oil based on demand and supply made exclude the poor from the access of basic needs, such as food. The money that the poor receive is not enough to afford basic needs. Hence, what is happening now is the rich exhaust most natural resources and limit the access to these resources by letting the demand and supply decides the price. 

Anwander (2004) argued that we should differentiate “merely benefiting” from the injustice from “contributing” to the injustice because benefiting from the injustice is not always wrong. Hence, the rich who pay the normal price for the natural resources do nothing wrong because the current system is already based on demand and supply. They don’t have moral obligation because the only way not to be in the unjust situation is by paying higher, but it is impossible to be done because the price of the wealthy’s basic needs is also different. They also need to survive. However, this example also shows that as Anwander (2004) himself admitted, benefiting from injustice almost always involves some way of contributing to it. 

If we step back from these two approaches and look at the bigger picture, Pogge actually goes to the basic arguments of “claiming” the poor’s rights. As Donnelly mentioned, “when a right-holder exercises his right, he claims it and thus activates the duty-bearer obligation to respect that right”. While the first approach put the developed countries as “duty-bearers” by showing the interconnectivity in economic system, the 2^nd approach strongly puts the developed countries in the angle of violation of negative duty, by holding into the systems that always benefit them and always exclude the people at the bottom of pyramid.

The third approach is the radical inequality is the effect of a common and violent history, for example, colonization. I think this argument backlashes the previous two approaches because it contradicts the second approach. The end of these three approaches is justifying GRD proposal, a form of compensation. Based on 2^nd approach, US should pay higher compensation, but based on the third approach, it needs to pay little compensation because it ‘only’ colonizes the Philippines. The same problem will happen to many rich countries which did not colonize, eg Switzerland and Finland. 

Furthermore, this third approach neglects individuals in the colonists’ countries and the various types of colonization. While he put disclaimer that he concerns on ‘persons’, not ‘continents’, to say that even though without colonization poverty will occur, but not to the same individuals actually living in particular continents (hence, it’s not a predictable poverty caused by a systematic injustice), his third approach treat the colonists as one chunk of population. He undermines the fact that many individuals in colonists did not agree with the policy to exhaust the colonies’ resources and these individuals also proposed a compensation (eg Dutch ethical policy in Dutch Indies). He also did not take into account the different form of colonization with its indirect positive impact because the colonists leave the infrastructure and technology there. As an illustration, British colonies inherit a developed railway system and relatively a good education system. This factor is also intertwined with the state’s own cultural and geographical factors, eg both India and Singapore are British colonies, but Singapore’s strategic location makes it developed by the British as port city. Existing cast system in India makes it has different dynamic in terms of policy making and struggling against poverty, compared with Singapore, hence, radical inequality is not merely an effect of a single historical process.

Hence, there have been many complex challenges in legal approach to subsistence rights (Chong, 2010). There are also controversies over policies that would achieve freedom from poverty, such as economic growth vs redistributive policies. Some see extreme poverty as in fact a violation of human right. Furthermore, the debate has never been free from liberal vs socialist debate. Pogge’s effort in using logical arguments on morality to claim the poor’s rights makes this issue stands at the same position with other civil and political rights. Nevertheless, the third approach seems like a deliberate attack to developed countries with particular ideology, making this debate falls into other similar ideological debates. My conclusion is in looking at these approaches, we cannot deny that many historical processes must be taken into account.