3 years

Yesterday at 9am my phone vibrated. My first reaction was like, "Hmm? Is it a birthday reminder? I couldn't remember any birthdays today." It turned out that it was a reminder of 3 years taking promise as a Legionary. Hahaha.

3-years is a long and short period for me. It's long because the first time I came to Legion of Mary, I was only based on following people's question, "Are you coming for welcome tea?" Since I was free, I came to their welcome tea. "Do you want to visit our meeting?" "Ok." Then, I came 2nd time and 3rd time, still with limited English (I couldn't even remember the Lord's prayer and Hail Mary in English), was blur when they talked about 'monstrance', 'benediction', 'Patrician Meeting' bla bla bla... Then they asked the question, "Do you want to be probationary?" I also didn't know what that word meant. Hahaha.

Last week I was digging my Yahoo! inbox to find the reflection on Legion promise that Imma sent me three years ago. Re-reading her email reminded me how she (and other Legionaries) helped me in my first semester. I remember Imma asked stuff like, "How do you find Legion so far?" or "How's university life?" (coz she knows I'm busy in hall). Imma was the one who told me the importance of spiritual input and in my second year (my busiest year), there was a time when she kept giving me morning call for mass. There was one time I picked her phone, said yes, and SLEPT AGAIN!!! HAHAHAHA...

At the same time, recalling how in Legion seminar or Senatus level mass I saw lots of uncles and aunties who have been legionaries for soooooooooooooooooooooo looonggg, I am amazed. Hehehe. Things will be different, especially when you go to the next phase of your life, there'll be lots of challenges. Working life will be different from univ.life, the composition of the people will be different (let's say when you transfer to other praesidium). Of course I should think of the basics, what Legion of Mary is all about, why I'm (still) here, and so on and so forth, but humanly speaking, I know things will keep changing.

I think God is very amazing. Well, I don't to think about it, God IS amazing. I mean...His working style is very unique. Hahaha. Whatever happens now or in the future, He is really amazing. This journey in Legion of Mary started 'only' when Lloyd talk to me in Matric Fair booth, gave me the miraculous medal, when Carina was waiting for me at McDonalds engineering to show me the way to welcome tea, when Krizia led the presentation on what Legion of Mary is, when I 'watched' the senior legionaries shared their reports, knelt saying the rosary, explained A-Z to me.

Thank you, Mother Mary :) it's a beautiful journey... :)

'downgrade' grad trip

Actually I've nvr imagined having a graduation trip before. It's not in my vocabulary. Hahaha.

The last most confirmed grad trip ideal for me was going to Japan - Korea - China - Taiwan (I think it's Ian's idea) and to do it with Evi, Nic, Pril, Nyz. Then, after the trip to Bangkok with Nic, Pril, Nyz, I've realized that we all will graduate at different time. Some might have already worked in May.

After going to India, there was sort of a change of plan in my head. Let's go soft-trekking at Himalaya! Hahaha. After a few trainings, I found out that mountaineering is not about trekking (oops), so I told myself, Okay...let's see how. If the situation (physical and financial) is permissible, perhaps I can go for Technical Mountaineering Course (TMC) as my grad trip. So yeah..let's see...

However, it seems that I need to confirm SOON. Now I feel that it seems impossible to finance my TMC. Hahaha. So I still save some hope to join the soft-trek Himalaya, but somehow I'm kinda lower down my expectation. Perhaps coz now I'm more "money-conscious". Soon I'll need to pay my tuition fee loan (well, my parents will pay too, but there's also a hope to be financially independent). Then, I also hope to go to World Youth Day 2013 in Brazil. Furthermore, there's this feeling of "it's enough", as in...don't go because of greedy feeling. Hahaha. As in.. If I really want to go WYD, it seems that I MUST really save up from now. Hahahaha.

Anyway, I told someone that even if I don't go to India or anywhere, I'll still do my grad trip even in Indonesia. I have not really explored my own country!! :P If everything goes well, I'll either have 2 exams on 26 April next semester or only 1 exam on 26 April, then I can escape immediately. :P

It's quite hard to plan anything now because I dunno whether I'll study or work afterwards. It's silly right?? first of all, I must plan my work/ study MORE than I think of my grad trip! HAHAHAHAHA..
Anyway, I've set my target for December and January. I will push myself for the research proposal and apply for jobs at the same time. I think I'll most likely rent a room instead of a house too because even if I work next year, I want to apply postgrad again. Anyway, I think nothing is permanent. Even though I write a lot about grad trip or this stuff or that stuff, soon some stuff will seem meaningless and you'll find more meaningful stuff once you go to the next phase. As an illustration, I can't imagine myself not dancing anymore, but here I am, I haven't danced for 8 months. I'm alive, I'm happy, though I still miss dancing sometimes, at the same time I'm not that motivated to practice myself. So yeah..things change over time :):)

the moral of the story: don't worry, be happy!! :D:D keep dreaming, keep doing your best, keep praying!! :):)

Did you sleep well?

When I went to Bangalore for the internship programme, two of my friends couldn't get the visa on time so they came 1.5 weeks later than the rest of the group. In the first morning during breakfast, some of us asked her, "Did you sleep well?" She smiled happily and said everything's ok. Apparently because all of us came down for breakfast at different time, she was asked for quite a lot of times whether she had slept well. She asked us happily, "Why did everyone ask me whether I slept well?" and we replied, "Because you just came last night and we were wondering whether you had enough rest :) "

Sleeping is just a part of our daily life. It's so normal, everyone does it every day, but apparently it is also a precious thing, eg for people who have insomnia. To be able to sleep is such a treasure.

In these 2 weeks, my friend asked me sometimes, "Do you sleep well?" Initially I don't know what to answer because no one asked this question. Hahaha. The second time she asked me, I couldn't sleep easily the previous night, so I told her, "Hmm.. Actually I didn't really sleep well last night." Then at that moment I realize how the quality of sleeping affects your stamina the next day, how I should be grateful to be able to sleep peacefully :), how taking care of my sleep (doesn't mean I must sleep 10 hours :P) is also part of an effort to keep my body healthy.

So you can ask your friend tomorrow, "Did you sleep well?" :)

The Art of Perseverance

Inspired by a random conversation with my roommate.

My roommate attends a cell group outside school weekly and the cell group consists of university students and working people. She told me that one of the member who is working now told her that attending cell group has been a burden lately and weekly attendance is just too much. Sometimes my roommate also feels tired of attending the cell group weekly, especially in her final year.

At that moment, I shared with her about the beauty of persevering. When something feels like a burden, it doesn't mean we should give up and compromise (let's say coming every alternate week rather than weekly). I asked her what makes her going to cell group initially and I asked her to try to imagine what will happen if she stops attending cell group. Furthermore, there might be other people out there that will be inspired by her perseverance :):)

It's very hard to persevere. Sometimes we might not even see the point of keep struggling, keep trying. There were some moments early in this semester, I was so disillusioned by the idea that "No matter how hard I try, it's still very hard to get good grades, it's still too competitive to work in the area that I want," and this idea makes me give in more to the inclination to be lazy. However, after the retreat, I was reminded again that we can offer every little thing for God. Nothing will be wasted and if we think of our effort attending cell group even though we are tired or our struggle to keep reading our notes although we feel bored as an offering for God, we want to do it well, as best as we can, not for ourselves, but for God and to pray for other people.

Two more exams.. It's getting more challenging. I saw someone carrying luggage to go home and my roommate can already watch drama happily today!! HAHAHAHA..

but yeah..keep struggling, keep persevering, JIA YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! :):)

Durian!!

I am someone who believes that food is not only something that is supposed to fill your stomach. Each type of food has some memories in it, for example, durian and my family.

My mom said that she couldn't take the smell of durian when she was pregnant of me, while she was craving for durian when she was pregnant of my brother. I don't know why now I'm crazy of durian and my brother is super-disgusted with durian (too bad, he's the only who doesn't like durian in our family, ohhh..with my cousin too!). Some people said that my brother has had enough durian in my mother's womb.

At home, I could smell durian from the point my father brought it through our door. Even the smell of it can make me smile and scream, "Durian!! YEAYY!!" My mom said that when I eat durian, I eat with the same style with my grandma. Like grandma like granddaughter. Hahaha. The sad thing is I cannot choose a good durian. It's always my mom and dad who choose the durian. I know there's a difference between the pale-looking durian and the bright yellow, but I cannot remember which one is bitter and which one is sweet. Well, actually to be honest, I can't choose good and fresh fruits *duhhh...*

Anyway, I can't wait for Tuesday. Gonna eat durian for post-exam celebration. Yeayyy!!
Now back to study mood: i love pyschometrics- i love psychometrics - i love psychometrics (instruction: repeat 100x to psycho yourself)
ps.no need to psycho myself to love Thai coz I love Thai language already. 555+

Cute Stuff in My Room

Jenn and her new passport (yeay!)

Can't wait to go home!! :):) (umm, actually I've brought Jenn home since I came to Sg)

Family Picture.. Jennifer (rabbit), Piggy (the biggest), Jenn (red cow), umm no-name..

Mouse or bear???

Blanket

I have this flowery blanket in my room that I brought to Singapore only in my second year. When I saw this blanket at home in Indonesia, I told my mom, "My room in hall is very hot. There's no way I will use this blanket." However, my mom convinced me that the blanket's material is good and still can be used in normal weather. My mom is correct.

In the cold and rainy days in December, the blanket is much more comfortable than my striped-hospital-like blanket. Even in normal weather like last night, the blanket is very comfortable. I wrapped myself with the blanket and the blanket reminds me of my parents and home. I usually sleep turning to the wall's side, but last night, the blanket makes me miss home and I turned facing my table's side, looked at Mother Mary and talked to her about what I felt.

These exam days are kinda crucial for me. It's just a 'normal' exam, but there is this feeling of closeness to end-of-university-life. My subconscious mind reminds me of a few months more for upcoming commencement. The feeling that as I write again and again in this blog makes me smile and wants to cry at the same time.

From blanket to commencement..

Thank God for my family..

Eugene said that his friend said that studying in NUS is a privilege. He's correct. Everytime I take a walk in NUS, I still cannot believe that I'm here. It felt so impossible 4 years ago. Hence, I must make good use of time here and to do my best.

Hwahh... after exam is always a good time to reflect and write something. Hahaha.
Two more exams to go :):)

Living in the Present

*status: standing in photocopy room in Central Library*

I realize that sometimes I have difficulties to live in the present. Giving excuse to myself as "planning" or on the other extreme as "being nostalgic", I've wasted lots of time flying to the past or the future. I thank God for the light He has given me to be aware of this weakness.

Now I know why at certain moments, I feel a sudden mellow after a great happiness. In my final year in high school, I could feel a sudden loneliness around midnight. Despite the happiness that I felt with my friends at school, I was soooo scared and worried things would change because each of us would move the different universities. Sometimes I feel that worry again, especially now I'm in my final year. However, now I realize that what I should do is exactly to live in the present, to cherish every moment with my friends and not to waste it by being "emo" (I only learned this vocabulary when I entered university).

A few days ago I was involved with a conversation with my supervisor's research assistant (RA) and a master's student in clinical psychology. They were discussing about the RA's master's application to Australia. Suddenly I felt the worry again. Would I ever be able to continue and pursue further studies? Everything is so competitive. Thank God a sentence by the master's student struck me, "Don't worry. Now just focus on your exam." She's correct. If I worry too much about what will happen in 1 or 2 years, obviously I will mess up my exams. Now I just need to do my best for my exams that are really standing RIGHT in front of my eyes.

I've just done my first exam. Although I felt that I've wasted lots of time in my 13 weeks of school, I feel really grateful for the blessing that He has given me this semester. I can feel that God helped me a lot to sit still and persevere in my study, to catch up during reading week. This is the best reading week that I've ever had. Hopefully I can continue to persevere till the end of this semester (not only up to 29 Nov because I still need to catch up on my thesis after that :P)

Amen!! :) Thanks for all your prayers :)

nice song... :)

checkpoint

Beautiful Saturday morning was spent with my lecture notes and coursepack. I was not as focused as last Thursday, but I'm glad that I've done a bit of revision.

So yeah..Here I am.. At the end of week 12, beginning of week 13, and just one more semester then I'll be graduating. This semester has been interesting. The modules are tough, interesting, but honestly not as exciting as my third year's modules. Anyway, I do learn a lot from my modules. Taking psychometrics module and psychological assessment module at the same time really helps me to read the journal articles for my thesis in a different perspective. The modules have built my intuition in looking at my thesis data. I've thought of more and more questions in my head, I'm still not sure how to make it concrete with the statistical analysis, but I'm still thankful the questions are there in my head.

The module on painting was more interesting at the beginning of the semester compared with the ones after recess week. Perhaps it's because I'm more interested in traditional art, such as paintings on Shiva Nataraja, Buddha, or Chinese painting, compared with renaissance 'and friends'. Hehehe. Nevertheless, I do hope that now if I visit arts museum, I can understand which one is impressionist, post-impressionist, renaissance, cubism, etc.

I guess the most interesting modules of this semester are the human rights module and Thai language. I have sore eyes of reading Thai script, but it's getting more and more interesting. I feel the excitement that I felt when I read Chinese characters in my first year. Human rights module is very broad, but those particular weeks when I read Thomas Pogge's article were very fulfilling. I guess partly it's because the article is nostalgic, reminds me of the leadership training, and because that article is the reason why I take the module.

Thesis?
Slow but sure.. My supervisor has been very supportive. I have not revised my introduction, started reading again a bit a few weeks ago, but other than that I 'only' keyed in data. I'll need to work more after my exams.

I can't believe end of the year is coming. I browsed NUS job portal, IMH website, and autism partnership website two days ago. I realized that it'll be hard and very competitive. Sigh. Well, now I'd better focus on my exams, then I'll revise my research proposal for master's application, settle my introduction chapter for thesis, and start sending resume. It seems like the real break will only start on 18 Dec.

failure

They said that failure is a delayed success.
When my lecturer said that 45% of the class failed, I knew that I was one of them.
Well, you can't change the score, so what I can do now is to study harder. I tried to clarify some slides with my lecturer. Yeah...I guess my problem is I didn't realize that I didn't understand. After I got the reply from my lecturer, I realized that I had lots of misunderstandings of the slides. It seems that every sentence that my lecturer said was important and I kept missing the details of his lecture, that's why I was confused.

Fiuhhhh.....
I hope I can pass this module..

simplicity

It was not just a coincidence when today's circle topic was "Simplicity". It was as if God affirmed me to reflect on this topic since yesterday, especially during the catechetical session. Yesterday the kids were assigned to make a "Thank You Card" for their friend. They were supposed to pair with each other and exchange the card. While most kids easily found someone to be given the card, some found it difficult. I was walking around and tried to encourage some kids who were confused to write a card to the catechist, Ms Ho.

At the end of the session, Clara handed me a card. I thought she just wanted to show me the card that she made, but when I opened, the card was for me! I was so happy and touched. She's so cute. I was wearing my red shirt with an "f" (for 'ferninda') hahaha, and she drew myself with the shirt. Hahaha. Then, while we were planning the class party for next week, George told me, "Next Sunday is my birthday." Not enough saying it to me, he also approached Ms Ho to tell her that next week is his birthday. They're just so cute and innocent and they'll say things that they want to say. Nothing to be hidden. Even a kid that is often seen 'naughty' by his friends says things frankly. When I asked him why he didn't want to write the "thank you card", he answered, "I don't have friends." Very sad... :(:(

The kids are very simple. Years ago someone in my parish told us, child's faith is amazing. He told us that his son saw a sport car passed by and the son told him, "Papa one day we'll have that car." :) During circle, Joyce told me how her friend's son, after he was told that it's going to rain and they might not be able to have BBQ, spontaneously put his hands together and said, "Ok mama, let's pray." At the end, it did not rain.

:):)
Lord, teach me to have this childlike faith, to be simple, and to be sincere. Amen.