I spoke to my spiritual director a few days ago, "Father, sometimes I felt like God wants me to run very fast. I'm tired."
***
I told him that I am fully aware that God wants to shape me. I also want to grow up and struggle, but there are moments when things are just so difficult and tiring. There are moments when it is very hard to get up that the only prayer I could say was "Lord, Lord, help me." There are moments when I look at other people and think for a split second, ahh how nice it is if I don't need to struggle, yet another split second I realize that this thought is foolish. Honestly speaking, I don't want to exchange my relationship with God, his blessing, and the suffering with what seems "nice and happy". Surprisingly, I think Father can reach my mind. Hahaha. He said that I should be grateful because God lets me see my vocation and God wants me to struggle, and that I am happy even though struggling is difficult.
Today's Gospel reflection told me to "remember Heaven at difficult moments". Wow, to be honest, I have never thought like that. At difficult moments, this is my 'complain', "God I know you want me to grow up, I know you want me to be better, but it's so difficult. Huuuuu (cyring sound)" hahaha. Or even the day before I just read about the cross and the importance of taking up this cross daily, I still scream, "It's so heavy. It's so painful. It hurts so much till sometimes I can feel the pain physically." However, I would admit that there's this little angel's voice at the back of my mind, "It's nothing. God will help you carry the cross."
Sometimes it feels very funny. I know that I should follow God's pace and push myself, but sometimes I'm tired. At the same time, as much as I wish I could slow down, I clearly understand that I don't want God to slow down too because I know I need this pace. I know why I need to push myself. Thank God at least he let me know, though sometimes it's very hard to keep my peace at these moments.
Have a great Sunday!!
***
I told him that I am fully aware that God wants to shape me. I also want to grow up and struggle, but there are moments when things are just so difficult and tiring. There are moments when it is very hard to get up that the only prayer I could say was "Lord, Lord, help me." There are moments when I look at other people and think for a split second, ahh how nice it is if I don't need to struggle, yet another split second I realize that this thought is foolish. Honestly speaking, I don't want to exchange my relationship with God, his blessing, and the suffering with what seems "nice and happy". Surprisingly, I think Father can reach my mind. Hahaha. He said that I should be grateful because God lets me see my vocation and God wants me to struggle, and that I am happy even though struggling is difficult.
Today's Gospel reflection told me to "remember Heaven at difficult moments". Wow, to be honest, I have never thought like that. At difficult moments, this is my 'complain', "God I know you want me to grow up, I know you want me to be better, but it's so difficult. Huuuuu (cyring sound)" hahaha. Or even the day before I just read about the cross and the importance of taking up this cross daily, I still scream, "It's so heavy. It's so painful. It hurts so much till sometimes I can feel the pain physically." However, I would admit that there's this little angel's voice at the back of my mind, "It's nothing. God will help you carry the cross."
Sometimes it feels very funny. I know that I should follow God's pace and push myself, but sometimes I'm tired. At the same time, as much as I wish I could slow down, I clearly understand that I don't want God to slow down too because I know I need this pace. I know why I need to push myself. Thank God at least he let me know, though sometimes it's very hard to keep my peace at these moments.
Have a great Sunday!!
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