Brilliant advice from mom

So I asked my mother,

What if you always repeat the same mistakes? How to remember not to do it again?

and she said,

Write down your most common mistakes in a "book of correction"

I think she's brilliant. Not only brilliant, but wise.
Yes, we've been doing examination of conscience. However, because I write down the things in the same book that I used for my prayer inspirations, most of the times I can't retrieve the points when I need them. Recently I also didn't really note down things that God let me see in my examination of conscience.

So my mom's short and sweet whatsapp message really struck me.
I will invest on another small notebook special for examination of conscience, confession, and Spiritual Direction. I guess initially I combine them with prayer journals so I can easily pray about them too (just flip!). However, at moments when you have stumbled so hard, perhaps you need to step back and take even smaller steps, even if it means I need two small notebooks now. Hahaha.

Thanks, Mom! =)

How to be less defensive

Perhaps you have read the post on how to talk to a defensive person. Well, I hope I'm not becoming a blind-person-leading-another-blind-person by writing this post, but here are some suggestions from various people, and particularly my mom =)

Step 1: diagnostic test

Are you 'only' defensive?
Are you 'impulsive' and 'defensive'?
If you are the latter, I would say that the situation is quite chronic *oops, welcome to the club*. Nevermind, keep calm and continue reading.

Step 2: deeper assessment,the "WHY"

For our conversational partner, 'defensive' is just an adjective that is a mixture of pride, stubbornness and resistance to change. However, we as people with defensiveness (I like to think about it as a 'disorder' rather than 'trait') actually have various reasons of being defensive in a different circumstances (or is it only me??)

Perhaps...you feel that you've put an effort and other people do not appreciate your effort?
Perhaps...you just don't like being at the wrong side?
Perhaps...you just hope your conversational partner sees you as a 'good person', a 'perfect' person
Perhaps...defensiveness is your first impulse and you have habits of doing it without realizing it! (especially for the impulsive-defensive combo!)

Whatever your reason is, there is no excuse to be defensive. No excuse. Can you hear that?? NO EXCUSE!!!!!! (I'm screaming!) I capitalized these two words to remind us that yes, we love to find excuses. So let me repeat again, NO EXCUSE!

Step 3: baby steps

My spiritual director has been saying that first, we need to acknowledge it. That's part of us. It may sound contradictory because I refused to call it a "trait". However, we should accept that it is a part of us that can be changed. BUT, it is a lifetime struggle. (yes, it's a lifetime struggle). How old are you? If you are 23 like me, please acknowledge that this problem may still occur perhaps 47 years more from now if you live till the age of 70. And oh...ooops, please remind your future spouse too that this is a part of you too =) too bad! If you are married, citing a speech by my senior's parents, "No refund!"

So what's next?

Well, the root is pride. Many people may have reminded you all types of little practices to practice humility, e.g., focus on other people by praying for others, try to serve others, do things that are inconvenient for you, like eating the food that you like less, and so on and so forth.

Even if you feel that you have don't all sorts of these things and you are still failed,

it's okay. Keep calm and continue reading.

Step 4: newborn steps

So you are still prideful.
Perhaps you are the impulsive-defensive type, you just rebuke first, find excuses first, then you deeply regret later on. Or perhaps you are not impulsive, but you are fully aware and plan your defensive "moves", yet after that you realize you are wrong. I guess the non-impulsive type may have easier way to say sorry easily. Congratulations! =)

While for the impulsive-defensive type, we usually don't say sorry THAT fast, but there are two subtypes of people: a) keep rebuking until you are tired, or b) even if you can't say sorry, keep quiet first.
Unfortunately, some of us are in subtype a.

I don't know.

I really don't know what to do if you are subtype a. It's hard, let's shake hand and please stop pitying ourselves. There's a way, there's always a way.

For subtype b, yes, it's a good step to keep quiet first. ^^ Just remember to say sorry as soon as you have the strength and courage to apologize. Don't worry, it's OK to make mistake, including to make mistake of being defensive.

For subtype a, a few things I can suggest is do "damage control".
damage control 1
Find out your conversational partner's language of apology  (be it boss or girlfriend or boyfriend or parents). It took me soooooo long to realize that my boyfriend's and my own language of apology is totally different! (I didn't even know that there's such thing). You can spend so much time crying, wailing, begging mercy, or saying sorry in thousand ways which you think show a true repentance, yet these things make them feel more sick of you because of this different ways of saying sorry.

I'm serious. It's important to know and notice what do your conversational partner's complain after you are super-defensive and say sorry but things seem still not work out?

damage control 2
Never ever think that you have tried so much yet you failed and your conversational partner doesn't understand your situation or bla bla bla (again, excuses). Never. Once you start playing this in your head, damage control 1 didn't work because there was just no true repentance.

damage control 3
Pray.
Well, I should change it to number 1. To be honest, if you are impulsive-defensive-subtype a (3-in-1 package), you've got a lot of things to pray for. =) Firstly, to keep optimistic, to still be cheerful, even though you don't like yourself being this type and being defensive, yet you know God will help you. Secondly, pray for the person who is affected by your defensiveness. For some people (I say some because each person has different personalities), your defensivenss+impulsiveness+nonstoprebuking really multiply and deepen the wound on them.

damage control 4
let it go, be small.

Just follow what your conversational partner wants, what he or she thinks can relieve the situation a bit, and what he or she thinks will help he or she forgive you.

By theory we know we have been at the wrong side, yet by practice it's still hard to just let go and follow the things that may hurt us too. Think about it as a more intensive training that can remind us to be less impulsive next time (so even though we are 'still' defensive, we will remember at least not to be impulsive)

It's okay.

It's worthwhile =)

7 Quick Takes Friday - Vol. 38

- 1 -

I took one day of parent care leave on Monday to accompany my parents (yes, they came to Singapore to visit me, YEAYYYY!). My mom is now opened to the idea of visiting me in Singapore because my dad enjoys being in Singapore (my mom used to think that Singapore is too small and only for people who like to go shopping). Unfortunately, my mom fell ten days before their flight to Singapore and her ligament in her left knee was torn, so doctor insisted that she should use wheel chair in Singapore. However, all the wheel-chair rental centres did not have any available wheel chair. So they still came to Singapore, but my mom was not supposed to walk for too long. Thankfully, River Safari provided loan for wheel chair so my mom was not too tired. Surprisingly, my dad really enjoyed the sightseeing at River Safari too =) (he loves fish!)

In front of alligator-snapping-turtle

We brought my parents to Timbre where we could have beer and live music =) So finally my mom saw me "in action" (i.e., drinking...just one glass, okay right? =P)

On Sunday, my parents also met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. We had four languages in one table. Hahaha. My parents only speak Indonesian, Paul's dad speaks Cantonese dialect to Paul's mom, and Paul's parents speak Mandarin to Paul, and Paul, Paul's dad, and I speak in English to each other. Wah....

- 2 -

I tried to learn knitting from my mom =) Not with two needles, but the type of knitting with one needle (is it still called knitting?)

- 3 -

It has been a very busy week in my office!!

- 4 -

 Somehow the radio played Mandy Moore's "I wanna be with you". So suddenly I was talking to Paul about how different Mandy Moore is from Britney Spears. Now that we've grown up, we really could see how the trend from mini-skirt to other crazy and sensational things Britney Spears did lead to a life that is quite...sad. I also read an article about how Eminem was anxious that his daughter is dating a guy who is a fan of Eminem's songs. When we were pre-teens or teenagers we didn't think much about the lyrics or the singers. However, now that we see the "evolution" of the life of the singers, I guess it's getting clearer that choosing entertainment is not something that can be taken lightly.

I really enjoy doing karaoke. However, I just realized that sometimes we don't realize how bad the lyrics of the song is until we sing it in karaoke and feel quite "disgusted" or disturbed!! The type of karaoke clips that are available in the market is also quite disturbing sometimes. I mean, come on, who wants to sing karaoke with your boyfriend and friends and watching girls wearing bikini while you sing your favorite song?? Interestingly, the study centre that I usually go to with my friend bought karaoke DVDs from the Philippines and in those clips, we only see beautiful scenes of the country while we sing. Hahaha. Safe for family karaoke! yipeeee! =)

- 5 -

Today in adoration room, Paul and I saw a little boy knelt and bowed very low in front of Our Lord. Sooooo cuteeee. There was another girl with a father and the father whispered to her to say that Jesus was there, present in the Blessed Sacrament.

We were very amazed by these families. It's very beautiful that the parents really made an effort to help the kids know Jesus and accompany Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, while we as adults sometimes take it for granted that Jesus remained there in the form of bread for us.

- 6 -

Half-way of May! Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo fasttttttttt @.@

- 7 -

I found this video through someone's facebook:

I think this video is really beautiful! Recently, I met a lady from El Salvador, she's my housemate's friend. She shared about her sister who also has down syndrome. She shared how fast her sister learned to use facebook and how her sister is currently working in her hometown (her sister is already 34 years old). She said the prejudice is very strong, but her family is really supportive and I could see how this lady really loves her sister!

Once I was writing about abortion on my Indonesian blog and tagged some of my friends who are studying medicine on facebook. One of my high school friends commented and asked, "So is it okay to abort the baby when the baby is diagnosed with disabilities or down syndrome?" I was so sad that my friend asked this kind of question, but I'm very relieved that my "future-doctor" friends answered, "No, because they are humans too"

I guess in Indonesia, most people do not agree with abortion. However, I think there are still misunderstandings about "doing abortion to save the mother's life". That's why I think this site is very useful for people who want to know more about this issue. I think one thing to take note is we can't deny that there are cases that are complicated. For example, I've met a mother who had twins, one of the twins did not develop, but this baby 'sucking' the food from the other one. They checked thoroughly to a reliable doctor and found out that both babies were alive (the other one was not just a collection of cells) and there was a risk that both babies will die. So the baby whose nutrition was taken by her sibling survived, and the other did not. This girl once told me, "I have a twin, but my twin died."

What I want to say is...yes, there are complicated situations, but at least it is important to know the principles and to have the mindset of 'saving life' and to know whom we can consult with in moments of doubt.

More quick takes at Jen's blog!!

Little things matter - Home sweet home

To be honest, I'm not good in taking care of little details. I slowly learn, and here are some little things lessons that I think make a huge difference in making my home better =)

1. put my shoes back in the shoe racks
It's really simple, but I find it difficult at times. However, with 5 girls living in the same house, and all of us have quite a significant number of shoes, putting shoes back in the shoe racks makes a huge difference in getting tidy vs. untidy atmosphere once I step into the house

2. never ever delay picking up dry laundry
I often delay picking up dry laundry and as a result, it hinders my housemates to have an easy time hanging their laundry.

3. picking up hairs from the bathroom
My mom used to scold me A LOT because I always forget to pick up hairs from my bathroom. Eventually I feel disgusted with the amount of hair in my bathroom, so now I try to pick up hairs from the bathroom every time I finish taking showers.

4. having a house gathering
Each of us has a busy schedule. Last Sunday, we decided to revive our Disney Night, so we watched Snow White and Frozen =P It helps to create family atmosphere in our house.

Just a little bit of background about my house. One of my housemates works as a restaurant manager, so we rarely see her on weekday nights and weekends. Another housemate is studying bakery and working part-time. My own roommate is a programmer and she has Japanese lesson on Saturdays. Another housemate is my colleague and recently she has been overseas quite regularly. Me? I am a normal research assistant who always ends work on time, but I always eat out in the evenings.

So, finding common time is a challenge, and a sacrifice. Yet, I think it's worth it to have our 'family gathering' regularly =)

5. having cleaning schedule
--> self explanatory =P

=)

7 Quick Takes Friday - Vol.37

- 1 -

Friday was the last working day of my colleague. I felt a bit sad, because she is a very nice colleague and I dare to say that she is a friend (not only a colleague!). At the same time, I felt very happy too because she will reunite with her husband because they've been living in different countries because there was no job opportunities for her in her husband's town.

- 2 -

Thursday was Labour Day =) I finally went to teach my boyfriend's cousin again. He's turning six soon =) I think the "jumbled words" games is very useful. What we did was to make cards of various words that he has learned (e.g., pet, is, am, are, box, etc). Then I dictated a sentence, for example, "My cat is on the mat" then he searched for the words and arranged the words. So now we found out that even though when I showed a word he still had difficulties reading the word (esp. words that have 'e' as a middle vowel), he can recognize the word ^^ So I really need to combine the phonics and visual memory approach.

Another encouraging thing is he now enjoys listening to story book =)

- 3 -

Another friend of mine said that she doesn't like children. Her sister kept asking her to come over to visit her daughter, but my friend refused. After a while I tried to encourage her to visit her sister for the sake of her sister. I remember I've read it somewhere that newly mom can sometimes feel lonely because the whole day she just said baby-talk with her baby. Another friend of mine experienced it too, and she felt soooo happy when we visit her.

I guess this is an important lesson for me. As my seniors start having babies, hahaha, to visit not only to play with their babies, but also with the intention of caring for my friends as the mothers.

- 4 -

I started decluttering and organizing my room last week (but today my room is messy again). However, I found out that labels are very useful, especially for beginner like me. Now my boxes under the bed are labeled (e.g., travel (cables, multiplug, camera), stationery, sewing kit, etc). I also tried to learn how to organize my room (yes, it needs to be learned). Yesterday I bought an ice-cube box to store my earrings. So no excuse to accessorize now because I always have rush morning. Organizing my accessories is really really really helpful =P

- 5 -

I tried to make flower arrangement again yesterday (practice to make hand bouquet for Mother's Day!!).

Anyway, things to learn:
a. Lilies are not easy to handle (I bought three and 'broke' 2 of them @.@)
b. Use more flowers
c. It's not as easy as the tutorial videos show!

- 6 -

It's already May! So fast!

- 7 -

Climbing weekly makes a difference! Now I can have a deep sleep after climbing and my body doesn't ache anymore after climbing =)

More quick takes at Jen's blog!!