Perhaps you have read the post on how to talk to a defensive person. Well, I hope I'm not becoming a blind-person-leading-another-blind-person by writing this post, but here are some suggestions from various people, and particularly my mom =)
Step 1: diagnostic test
Are you 'only' defensive?
Are you 'impulsive' and 'defensive'?
If you are the latter, I would say that the situation is quite chronic *oops, welcome to the club*. Nevermind, keep calm and continue reading.
Step 2: deeper assessment,the "WHY"
For our conversational partner, 'defensive' is just an adjective that is a mixture of pride, stubbornness and resistance to change. However, we as people with defensiveness (I like to think about it as a 'disorder' rather than 'trait') actually have various reasons of being defensive in a different circumstances (or is it only me??)
Perhaps...you feel that you've put an effort and other people do not appreciate your effort?
Perhaps...you just don't like being at the wrong side?
Perhaps...you just hope your conversational partner sees you as a 'good person', a 'perfect' person
Perhaps...defensiveness is your first impulse and you have habits of doing it without realizing it! (especially for the impulsive-defensive combo!)
Whatever your reason is, there is no excuse to be defensive. No excuse. Can you hear that?? NO EXCUSE!!!!!! (I'm screaming!) I capitalized these two words to remind us that yes, we love to find excuses. So let me repeat again, NO EXCUSE!
Step 3: baby steps
My spiritual director has been saying that first, we need to acknowledge it. That's part of us. It may sound contradictory because I refused to call it a "trait". However, we should accept that it is a part of us that can be changed. BUT, it is a lifetime struggle. (yes, it's a lifetime struggle). How old are you? If you are 23 like me, please acknowledge that this problem may still occur perhaps 47 years more from now if you live till the age of 70. And oh...ooops, please remind your future spouse too that this is a part of you too =) too bad! If you are married, citing a speech by my senior's parents, "No refund!"
So what's next?
Well, the root is pride. Many people may have reminded you all types of little practices to practice humility, e.g., focus on other people by praying for others, try to serve others, do things that are inconvenient for you, like eating the food that you like less, and so on and so forth.
Even if you feel that you have don't all sorts of these things and you are still failed,
it's okay. Keep calm and continue reading.
Step 4: newborn steps
So you are still prideful.
Perhaps you are the impulsive-defensive type, you just rebuke first, find excuses first, then you deeply regret later on. Or perhaps you are not impulsive, but you are fully aware and plan your defensive "moves", yet after that you realize you are wrong. I guess the non-impulsive type may have easier way to say sorry easily. Congratulations! =)
While for the impulsive-defensive type, we usually don't say sorry THAT fast, but there are two subtypes of people: a) keep rebuking until you are tired, or b) even if you can't say sorry, keep quiet first.
Unfortunately, some of us are in subtype a.
I don't know.
I really don't know what to do if you are subtype a. It's hard, let's shake hand and please stop pitying ourselves. There's a way, there's always a way.
For subtype b, yes, it's a good step to keep quiet first. ^^ Just remember to say sorry as soon as you have the strength and courage to apologize. Don't worry, it's OK to make mistake, including to make mistake of being defensive.
For subtype a, a few things I can suggest is do "damage control".
damage control 1
Find out your conversational partner's language of apology (be it boss or girlfriend or boyfriend or parents). It took me soooooo long to realize that my boyfriend's and my own language of apology is totally different! (I didn't even know that there's such thing). You can spend so much time crying, wailing, begging mercy, or saying sorry in thousand ways which you think show a true repentance, yet these things make them feel more sick of you because of this different ways of saying sorry.
I'm serious. It's important to know and notice what do your conversational partner's complain after you are super-defensive and say sorry but things seem still not work out?
damage control 2
Never ever think that you have tried so much yet you failed and your conversational partner doesn't understand your situation or bla bla bla (again, excuses). Never. Once you start playing this in your head, damage control 1 didn't work because there was just no true repentance.
damage control 3
Pray.
Well, I should change it to number 1. To be honest, if you are impulsive-defensive-subtype a (3-in-1 package), you've got a lot of things to pray for. =) Firstly, to keep optimistic, to still be cheerful, even though you don't like yourself being this type and being defensive, yet you know God will help you. Secondly, pray for the person who is affected by your defensiveness. For some people (I say some because each person has different personalities), your defensivenss+impulsiveness+nonstoprebuking really multiply and deepen the wound on them.
damage control 4
let it go, be small.
Just follow what your conversational partner wants, what he or she thinks can relieve the situation a bit, and what he or she thinks will help he or she forgive you.
By theory we know we have been at the wrong side, yet by practice it's still hard to just let go and follow the things that may hurt us too. Think about it as a more intensive training that can remind us to be less impulsive next time (so even though we are 'still' defensive, we will remember at least not to be impulsive)
It's okay.
It's worthwhile =)
Step 1: diagnostic test
Are you 'only' defensive?
Are you 'impulsive' and 'defensive'?
If you are the latter, I would say that the situation is quite chronic *oops, welcome to the club*. Nevermind, keep calm and continue reading.
Step 2: deeper assessment,the "WHY"
For our conversational partner, 'defensive' is just an adjective that is a mixture of pride, stubbornness and resistance to change. However, we as people with defensiveness (I like to think about it as a 'disorder' rather than 'trait') actually have various reasons of being defensive in a different circumstances (or is it only me??)
Perhaps...you feel that you've put an effort and other people do not appreciate your effort?
Perhaps...you just don't like being at the wrong side?
Perhaps...you just hope your conversational partner sees you as a 'good person', a 'perfect' person
Perhaps...defensiveness is your first impulse and you have habits of doing it without realizing it! (especially for the impulsive-defensive combo!)
Whatever your reason is, there is no excuse to be defensive. No excuse. Can you hear that?? NO EXCUSE!!!!!! (I'm screaming!) I capitalized these two words to remind us that yes, we love to find excuses. So let me repeat again, NO EXCUSE!
Step 3: baby steps
My spiritual director has been saying that first, we need to acknowledge it. That's part of us. It may sound contradictory because I refused to call it a "trait". However, we should accept that it is a part of us that can be changed. BUT, it is a lifetime struggle. (yes, it's a lifetime struggle). How old are you? If you are 23 like me, please acknowledge that this problem may still occur perhaps 47 years more from now if you live till the age of 70. And oh...ooops, please remind your future spouse too that this is a part of you too =) too bad! If you are married, citing a speech by my senior's parents, "No refund!"
So what's next?
Well, the root is pride. Many people may have reminded you all types of little practices to practice humility, e.g., focus on other people by praying for others, try to serve others, do things that are inconvenient for you, like eating the food that you like less, and so on and so forth.
Even if you feel that you have don't all sorts of these things and you are still failed,
it's okay. Keep calm and continue reading.
Step 4: newborn steps
So you are still prideful.
Perhaps you are the impulsive-defensive type, you just rebuke first, find excuses first, then you deeply regret later on. Or perhaps you are not impulsive, but you are fully aware and plan your defensive "moves", yet after that you realize you are wrong. I guess the non-impulsive type may have easier way to say sorry easily. Congratulations! =)
While for the impulsive-defensive type, we usually don't say sorry THAT fast, but there are two subtypes of people: a) keep rebuking until you are tired, or b) even if you can't say sorry, keep quiet first.
Unfortunately, some of us are in subtype a.
I don't know.
I really don't know what to do if you are subtype a. It's hard, let's shake hand and please stop pitying ourselves. There's a way, there's always a way.
For subtype b, yes, it's a good step to keep quiet first. ^^ Just remember to say sorry as soon as you have the strength and courage to apologize. Don't worry, it's OK to make mistake, including to make mistake of being defensive.
For subtype a, a few things I can suggest is do "damage control".
damage control 1
Find out your conversational partner's language of apology (be it boss or girlfriend or boyfriend or parents). It took me soooooo long to realize that my boyfriend's and my own language of apology is totally different! (I didn't even know that there's such thing). You can spend so much time crying, wailing, begging mercy, or saying sorry in thousand ways which you think show a true repentance, yet these things make them feel more sick of you because of this different ways of saying sorry.
I'm serious. It's important to know and notice what do your conversational partner's complain after you are super-defensive and say sorry but things seem still not work out?
damage control 2
Never ever think that you have tried so much yet you failed and your conversational partner doesn't understand your situation or bla bla bla (again, excuses). Never. Once you start playing this in your head, damage control 1 didn't work because there was just no true repentance.
damage control 3
Pray.
Well, I should change it to number 1. To be honest, if you are impulsive-defensive-subtype a (3-in-1 package), you've got a lot of things to pray for. =) Firstly, to keep optimistic, to still be cheerful, even though you don't like yourself being this type and being defensive, yet you know God will help you. Secondly, pray for the person who is affected by your defensiveness. For some people (I say some because each person has different personalities), your defensivenss+impulsiveness+nonstoprebuking really multiply and deepen the wound on them.
damage control 4
let it go, be small.
Just follow what your conversational partner wants, what he or she thinks can relieve the situation a bit, and what he or she thinks will help he or she forgive you.
By theory we know we have been at the wrong side, yet by practice it's still hard to just let go and follow the things that may hurt us too. Think about it as a more intensive training that can remind us to be less impulsive next time (so even though we are 'still' defensive, we will remember at least not to be impulsive)
It's okay.
It's worthwhile =)
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