Well, I hope this post is useful for people who have defensive / stubborn girlfriend/boyfriend =) I have a serious problem with stubbornness and according to my mom, this has been a problem since I was really young. When I was younger, I used to frown so bad till my mom called me 'bimoli' (in Indonesian: bibir monyong 5 cm = literally means 'lips come out 5cm long'). Super-ugly! When my grandma scolded me, I would reply her in a rude manner and asked, "Why? Why?" and my mom used to put chili around my mouth to remind me that it's not a proper way to respect the elders.
Sadly, I still have this problem. As it takes so long to change, here are some tips on how to deal with this type of person. If your girlfriend/boyfriend shows black face when she/he is corrected, finds thousand excuses, and worst....doesn't even realize that he/she is being defensive, welcome to the club of my boyfriend!
So here are some facts about stubborn and defensive person and how to talk to her/him.
1. "You don't understand...."
Sounds familiar?
Yes, we love to emphasize on the circumstances, rather than the problem at hands. Therefore, try to sandwich your correction in the middle of compliments =P it helps to make the person feels a bit more relaxed and more opened to your correction
2. "Why you said it in that manner/moment/time?"
Everything seems wrong. You talk to her in a good time, she'll say you ruin her good mood. You talk to her in bad moment, she'll say you don't understand her difficult time. Yes, it's very frustrating.
I don't think there's a solution for this. Even if you are not harsh, she'll still finds it annoying. So I'd suggest that the only way is to be as gentle and charitable as possible, so she can't complain about the manner you say it. Try to take note of the quantity of your corrections too, so she can't blame you of 'correcting too many things'. =P One simple way is to talk about general things (usually the 'many' problems root under one big theme), and give example with one small real problem. Prompt her to ask other examples too. =)
3. "I've tried...."
and other excuses.."I'm tired", "but..."
hhhhh...
yes, excuses.
Well, I'm not sure whether it works for guys, but girls need constant assurance. The problem is, it's hard to comfort / assure the girl if he is in annoyed mood or frustrated situation. Whenever possible, try to show that you appreciate her effort, you've noticed how she's changed, but.. tell her that she can be a better person and everyone constantly needs to improve :) Every time I quarrel with my boyfriend about this, my evil thought is "No, you don't understand, you don't notice that I've tried,", and so on and so forth. After talking to each other, I realized that I'm wrong. He noticed the goodness in me, BUT of course I still can improve. And I'm really touched when he says that he wants me to change for my own self too.
So what to do? How to talk or what are the first-aid-kits to deal with a stubborn partner?
1. Encourage her to talk about this issue (including the 'little' trigger of the stubbornness) to her spiritual director (or a mutual friend that both of you trust if she doesn't have any!)
Talking to a third person makes her see a different perspective.
Honestly, I really think that lots of graces come from spiritual direction.
2. say, "I love you!!!"
It's hard. yes, I know it's hard to say those three words when she's in her super-ugly-stubborn-mode
but the thing is, this defensive person is worried, scared, and insecure when she realized that she has stuff that she needs to improve (yes, pride!!) So saying those three words assure her that she won't be abandoned because of her defects :)
3. Offer help on how she can improve in the areas
It's really really helpful and she'll feel touched when you offer a solution! :) (not just complain)
4. Try to give her specific examples on how she can react better
In the early stage, when the person doesn't even realize that she is defensive, it's very difficult. I didn't even realize that I showed black face! In order to 'jump' to the ability to 'smile and say thanks', this person sometimes still needs other baby steps or at least needs to be reminded on what other things she can say or do as a better reaction.
e.g.,
"I'll think about it, thanks"
"I'll try to do it next time"
Seriously, sometimes we forget that we can react with those two lines even though it's common sense.
5. let him/her know that you are praying for him/her
At the end of the day, in any conflicts, no one actually intends to hurt the other person. However, we do hurt our girlfriend/boyfriend. When we know that he is hurt, it's painful for us too. The fact that you let us know that you pray for us shows your big heart to accept us and motivate us more to change :)
So yeah...hope it helps!! :)
I'm not sure how much I can change, but I do believe that God will help me to get rid of this pride and stubbornness. :) Do pray for each other ^^
Sadly, I still have this problem. As it takes so long to change, here are some tips on how to deal with this type of person. If your girlfriend/boyfriend shows black face when she/he is corrected, finds thousand excuses, and worst....doesn't even realize that he/she is being defensive, welcome to the club of my boyfriend!
 |
| http://www.ninjagym.com/level-3/low-defensive-stance/ |
So here are some facts about stubborn and defensive person and how to talk to her/him.
1. "You don't understand...."
Sounds familiar?
Yes, we love to emphasize on the circumstances, rather than the problem at hands. Therefore, try to sandwich your correction in the middle of compliments =P it helps to make the person feels a bit more relaxed and more opened to your correction
2. "Why you said it in that manner/moment/time?"
Everything seems wrong. You talk to her in a good time, she'll say you ruin her good mood. You talk to her in bad moment, she'll say you don't understand her difficult time. Yes, it's very frustrating.
I don't think there's a solution for this. Even if you are not harsh, she'll still finds it annoying. So I'd suggest that the only way is to be as gentle and charitable as possible, so she can't complain about the manner you say it. Try to take note of the quantity of your corrections too, so she can't blame you of 'correcting too many things'. =P One simple way is to talk about general things (usually the 'many' problems root under one big theme), and give example with one small real problem. Prompt her to ask other examples too. =)
3. "I've tried...."
and other excuses.."I'm tired", "but..."
hhhhh...
yes, excuses.
Well, I'm not sure whether it works for guys, but girls need constant assurance. The problem is, it's hard to comfort / assure the girl if he is in annoyed mood or frustrated situation. Whenever possible, try to show that you appreciate her effort, you've noticed how she's changed, but.. tell her that she can be a better person and everyone constantly needs to improve :) Every time I quarrel with my boyfriend about this, my evil thought is "No, you don't understand, you don't notice that I've tried,", and so on and so forth. After talking to each other, I realized that I'm wrong. He noticed the goodness in me, BUT of course I still can improve. And I'm really touched when he says that he wants me to change for my own self too.
So what to do? How to talk or what are the first-aid-kits to deal with a stubborn partner?
1. Encourage her to talk about this issue (including the 'little' trigger of the stubbornness) to her spiritual director (or a mutual friend that both of you trust if she doesn't have any!)
Talking to a third person makes her see a different perspective.
Honestly, I really think that lots of graces come from spiritual direction.
2. say, "I love you!!!"
It's hard. yes, I know it's hard to say those three words when she's in her super-ugly-stubborn-mode
but the thing is, this defensive person is worried, scared, and insecure when she realized that she has stuff that she needs to improve (yes, pride!!) So saying those three words assure her that she won't be abandoned because of her defects :)
3. Offer help on how she can improve in the areas
It's really really helpful and she'll feel touched when you offer a solution! :) (not just complain)
4. Try to give her specific examples on how she can react better
In the early stage, when the person doesn't even realize that she is defensive, it's very difficult. I didn't even realize that I showed black face! In order to 'jump' to the ability to 'smile and say thanks', this person sometimes still needs other baby steps or at least needs to be reminded on what other things she can say or do as a better reaction.
e.g.,
"I'll think about it, thanks"
"I'll try to do it next time"
Seriously, sometimes we forget that we can react with those two lines even though it's common sense.
5. let him/her know that you are praying for him/her
At the end of the day, in any conflicts, no one actually intends to hurt the other person. However, we do hurt our girlfriend/boyfriend. When we know that he is hurt, it's painful for us too. The fact that you let us know that you pray for us shows your big heart to accept us and motivate us more to change :)
So yeah...hope it helps!! :)
I'm not sure how much I can change, but I do believe that God will help me to get rid of this pride and stubbornness. :) Do pray for each other ^^
Wow this is really good. I initially thought you had taken this from a site like Lifehack.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dom! :) Next is 'how to be less defensive' =P struggle together with people with similar problems :) HAHAHA..
ReplyDelete