Books of 2015 and 2016

Hello!

It's been very quiet here. I'm glad to have the time to refresh myself in Indonesia *woohoo*. I've been catching up my sleep, sewing (after so many years!), and tidying up teaching ideas on my pinterest. I've also finished watching the introductory course of DIR/Floortime by Dr Stanley Greenspan. I can't wait for a renewal in my relationship with my students next year :)

My reading progress was going well till midyear, those days when I traveled for an hour to office =P
From midyear till now, I've been reading a lot of classic picture books, particularly during Advent period. The list in Carrotsformichaelmas blog was wonderful.

Here are the books that I managed to read in 2015:
1. Growing up with sensory issues by Jennifer Mcllwee  Myers

It was an eye-opening book for me as I started my new job as an assistant teacher. The sensory issues were real issues among children with special needs. I really wonder why my psychology textbooks only mentioned these issues as one or two lines. I still need to learn more about this as despite the knowledge I have from the book, implementing sensory support in the classroom is still a trial-and-error effort for me.

2. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

I think it was only the second American literature that I read after finishing the Great Gatsby. My American friend kindly explained a lot to me about the book and the cultural context :)

3. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Oops. Another one!

I finally read it and I fall in love with this book. Thanks Dom for lending me this book! hahaha.

4. Lord of the Rings - Tolkien

I almost finished the first book. My boyfriend's version is the 3-in-1 book *arggh so heavy*, yet I carried the book around when I have the mood, especially on Saturday mornings to fill the gap between Mass and girls' club activities. The most striking passage for me was when Frodo asked Gandalf about why he was chosen to accomplish the mission. I've found that particular paragraph was exactly about our vocation in life. So beautiful!

I didn't list my spiritual reading books here, but I'd like to share with you a book that inspired me this year. The title is "Putting down roots: Fr.Joseph Muzquiz and the Growth of Opus Dei" by John F. Coverdale. Fr. Joseph is the first Opus Dei priest who landed in the US and his canonization cause has been opened. When I read the book, I was really amazed by his optimism. I was like, "Wow, this is real faith man!" So if you are in the middle of doubting whether your little effort to bring your friends or family to God will bear fruit, this is a good book to keep you going :)

As for 2016, I would love to continue reading these books. My friends have given me some of them as my birthday present! =D

1. The temperament that God gives you
2. Emma by Jane Austen
3. North and South by Elisabeth Gaskell
4. Wrinkle of Time
5. Engaging autism by Stanley Greenspan
and of course... Lord of the Rings



Have a wonderful year ahead!

Another reminder about death

I just found out that another friend in NUS just passed away today because of colon cancer. Few weeks ago, another lady that I know passed away (she was only 40+). I went to her wake and witnessed how strong her family is. She has six children and the youngest is only around 6 years old.
I met her a few times. The last time I saw someone that I have met in her life and then I saw the same person lying in a coffin was my friend's three-month-old baby and my maternal grandma. When I see their faces, the memories just come back to my mind.

How short a life is!

Of course many reflections write about this so many times, yet how hard it is to seriously live as if today is my last day on earth.

When I read a saint's biography, there was a small section on how when they opened this saint's cupboard, he only has a few belongings packed in a tidy way. After I read that section, my mind was like, "Oh man...if I suddenly die, how difficult it is for my landlady to remove tons of my rubbish from my room!" How easy it is to keep saying "tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow'', or to be angry because of little things as there will be a second day to say sorry. Why don't I choose the humblest way of saying sorry immediately?

I suddenly remember the Air Asia accident end of last year. So sudden, so familiar route, and a familiar person lost her life in that accident. It could have been me.

Today, again I am strongly reminded about how near a death could be, and how I wish I could be like my friend, the lady that passed away recently, and the saint, to be ready whenever God calls me.

Sanctity in the pile of laundry

Good morning!!

I have not been writing for the past three months! To be precise, I kinda stop writing since I started working at childcare. I guess one of the reasons is I am quite worried that I accidentally reveal my students' identity through too many descriptions as I talk about my work. Another reason is this job is physically more tiring so I doze off very fast. Hahaha. Perhaps I should write 7 quick takes again to make sure I write regularly.

Anyway, let's do a quick update.

The reason why the title of this post is sanctity in the pile of laundry is because since I worked as assistant teacher, I feel a little bit irony because even though I spend so much time organizing and cleaning the classroom, I sometimes neglect my own bedroom. For example, I would rather browse about teaching ideas than ironing my clothes.

However, deep in my heart I know that my biggest duties at some moments of the week are: 1) ironing my clothes urgently, 2) vacuuming the floor super urgently 3) exercising!! (I had this mentality that I already did exercise during work time hahaha). Every time I attend my spiritual formation and when the topic touches ''the little things'' or ''care for home'', the first thing that comes to my mind is how messy my room is!

The tips for this is to set a specific day to do laundry as most cleaning websites say. I really feel that really helps. I wash my laundry twice a week, and set Sunday morning to iron my clothes. The priest also told me to set a few minutes every day to put order on something in my room even though there are times when I neglect it. At least in those few minutes I can make the condition a little bit better.

Seriously sometimes, the last thing you wanna do is doing the laundry. However, can you believe that it is precisely through the pile of laundry you can sanctify yourselves too? :) 

What Singapore's Golden Jubilee means for me

I'm an Indonesian and I've lived in Singapore for (only) seven years. For the past few months, I've witnessed a lot of preparations, campaign, and celebrations for Singapore 50th national day and today is the national day!

I can't help but comparing my country with Singapore. I've never felt this sentimental about Singapore's national day, but watching and hearing many things saying "This is how we've progressed for the past 50 years" even moved my heart as a foreigner. It is true. Singapore is really blessed and you can see this nation's progress.

I can't help but trying to recall my own nation's golden jubilee. Umm, I can't remember anything. Don't get me wrong, I still love my country, but Singapore's golden jubilee made me think and question myself a lot, as Indonesian, am I proud of being Indonesian merely because of what my civic education text book told me? (We are multi-racial and multi-religions but we are one, we are rich in natural resources). As I stood surrounded by Singapore flags, I wonder..Rich in natural resources, but... where do the riches go? Multi-racial and multi-religions but..all the past violent actions towards Christians came to my head. And of course..the past memory of 1998 riot.

I don't think Singapore only has beautiful stories, I've heard the dark side too. I also believe that my own nation has progressed at least when Gus Dur stepped up (since then we can celebrate our Chinese culture again) and now I see hope in Jokowi, our current president.

Anyway, back to Singapore.

I bumped into Home, Singapore National Day Parade (NDP) song in 1998 and 2004, because I was looking for NDP songs to be taught to my students. I cried when I listened to the lyrics. I've found it sooooo touching (oh well, perhaps I'm a little bit emotional. hahaha). The song really made me question, "Where is home?"

Whenever I am feeling low
I look around me and I knowThere's a place that will stay within meWherever I may choose to goI will always recall the cityKnow every street and shoreSail down the river which brings us lifeWinding through my Singapore

This is home truly, where I know I must beWhere my dreams wait for me, where the river always flowsThis is home surely, as my senses tell meThis is where I won't be alone, for this is where I know it's home

Two years ago I celebrated my first Christmas in Singapore (till then I always went home for Christmas). I told a Spanish priest, "Yeah...Father, this is the first time I celebrated Christmas away from home." Then Father said, "Oh well..this is home."

In the Mass today, I prayed for Singapore as much as I pray for Indonesia (17th August this year is our 60th independence day). Even if I feel annoyed every time I come back to Singapore and encountered rude people serving at hawker centre, I can't deny that I feel at home here, as much as I feel at home in Indonesia. Of course there are so many other reasons why I feel so grateful to be in Singapore. Yeah, grateful, that's the best adjective to describe my feeling now. If it's not because of Singapore education policy (which is critiqued by many locals), I won't be able to study here. Which other country subsidizes foreigners to study in the local university? Studying here really opens my eyes and my heart. All along I've been living a comfortable life in general and in my faith. Here it's not enough to say, "My religion said so." Thanks to Legion of Mary in university, I slowly learned that practicing faith doesn't mean joining many activities or joining many cell groups or Church ministries. I slowly learned about my faith (yes, still learning till now, and will be forever learning) and what it means to be formed, what it means to be called to be holy, and what it means to do apostolate, and...slowly discovered my vocation too (yeah, marriage is also a vocation).

Perhaps some of you may think this post has become a religious post, but you can't separate me from my faith. My faith has helped me to continuously struggle to be a better person, a better citizen, a better resident, a better friend. 

And of course, the fact that my boyfriend is a Singaporean made me see Singapore a little bit different now. I want to look at Singapore more as a home, because next time I want him to really feel at home wherever we are. He's truly Singaporean (*in many different aspects, including the stomachache every time he goes to Indonesia*), and unlike me who has been away from my country for 7 years, he's always in Singapore (unless for a short travel overseas like now). However, I thank God that God has blessed Singapore (and the governance of Singapore) in such a way that influenced him in a unique way (in positive, negative, and neutral aspects). I don't want to be perceived as super-pro-National-Service, but I do agree with him that his maturity is partly influenced by his mandatory NS experience. And today, as he is overseas on National Day (again!), I realized that Singapore and him is a 'package'. Once I complained to another priest, "My boyfriend is so Singaporean," and the priest said, "he IS Singaporean." Something is missing from this national day as nobody explained to me about all the army and parade stuff and nobody explained to me about the songs sung during NDP. Hahaha.

Anyway, I had this funny imagination in my head. Next time I'll dress the children in red and white not only on 9th August, but also on 17th August =P (no agreement yet with him. psst!)

There's a place that will stay within meWherever I may choose to go

For me, be it Singapore, or Indonesia, or another country, I really cherish my stay in Singapore now, and this has made me almost cry a few times every time I listened to Singapore national anthem (five times in total since last Thursday in my school!), and always cry every time I listened to Home.

Happy birthday, Singapore! 
Lord, please bless Singapore!

Forever pressure cooker

Sometimes I feel that the things that have been going on around me and people around me this year are a forever-pressure-cooker. At some points of time, I feel like just screaming to God, "can you give me a break?'' Oh well...perhaps there were breaks, happy moments and so-called peaceful moments without any pressure, but there are times like now which made me feel that the environmental factors around me and my significant other were just constant triggers of stress. When I look forward, what I see is also only another trigger of stress.

After his PhD thesis, there is conference. After conference there is another waiting period of job hunting, and from my side, I am adjusting to my pay-cut from the previous job. I've never felt this motivated to take note of every single cent spent from my salary.

Of course of course there are many positive things and so-called roses, but even though I am not in a research job anymore, the stress of my previous boss now kinda shadowed me. That's' the life of academia no? First, stress to finish your degree. Second, job hunting is not easy. Third, even if you get an academia job, the high pressure of publishing in peer-reviewed journal. I remember those days when my colleague ran one after another statistical analysis, and wrote one after another draft of manuscript. And those days when my previous boss replied emails at 2 or 4am, yet she was still very energetic during work time!

Oh well, the good thing (aha! I see the roses now), at least I've been there before. I don't feel so stupid and clueless about my boyfriend's job and stress. Nevertheless, accepting that this is part of my life too and seriously being cool about it in high-stress moments sometimes do not happen together. I just need to pray and remind myself that 'things get better over time' despite a constant knocking on head ''haha..this will happen at least for the next 5-7 years'' (the most stressful period is when people do postdoc and when they are still assistant professors).

Anyway, tomorrow my preschool has national day celebration! Yeay! Hoping for a good weather.

Bottled sunshine needs a little bit of sunshine. It's been rainy two days ago and yesterday. Instead of singing 'How is the weather today?', our class sang 'rain rain go away' :p  Oh the topic of last week's formation class was on cheerfulness! Luckily! =D

My first bite!!

Hello!

Today marks the completion of my first month in my new job as an assistant teacher in a childcare for children with special needs. Today I got my first bite from an angry child, but today I was also happy to hear a child who usually just echoes sentences spontaneously said "Give it to me" to a friend who snatched his playdough :)

I have not updated this blog because I usually feel super tired after work and because it is a new job, there are so many things to learn! Many things in this job are my first time of doing them. It's my first time changing children's diapers, my first time showering children one after another, and my first time tapping children's backside until they fall asleep.

Every child is unique, whether he or she is a typical developing child or a child with special needs, each child is different. I've never realized this as much as how I realized it now. When I give seven children the same playdough, one likes to make many small balls of it, another one likes to cover her water bottle with it, another one likes to shred it just like he loves to shred papers and drop multiple crayons on the floor, another one likes to roll it, and one likes to put it on his lips (which explains why I make my own playdough using saltdough). Even though in psychology we have learned about many aspects of developmental disabilities, this is my first time experiencing how complex it is! We really need to observe many aspects of the children's development and see how we can help to progress in these aspects, not only their communication skills, but also their motor skills, their sensory needs, their emotional regulatory skills, and so on and so forth.

At the end of the day, the new challenge for me is also to remember that this work is a way to sanctify myself and others, so that I do not only focus on the 'results'. Even if I feel tired by 2pm, or feel happy for a simple 'help me' utterance from a child, the most important thing is this work is done for the glory of God. On another note, I see other children in a different manner now. When I listened to the talkative and energetic niece of my boyfriend, I really smile more because I'm grateful that she can speak and jump around. This job has also helped me in my prayer as I am often reminded about the children during prayer time, now I try to pray for their families too.

I really thank God for this opportunity to journey with these children. :)

Life goes on!

I'm a bit sad to see my friends changing their profile picture to the 'rainbow-filter' profile picture.

The wise thing to do now is...stay positive!

My boyfriend said that the situation during the first Christians' era was far worse than this. Thus, I would agree that we have hope! Of course I will pray more for the US, and most importantly, I need to pray more for Singapore and Indonesia. While most people just look at the Supreme Court's decision as a victory for equality and a 'progress', I guess few of my friends realized how irrational the decision was from the law and public policy point of view. Come over here for a good reading about this topic!

I think the urgent thing to do now is to wake my friends up. Many of us still think that it's something that is only happening far far away in the US, or thinking that our Asian society is still conservative, we sit back and relax. If we look at the timeline, it took only about 53 years (considering that the spread of information was not as fast as now) from the decriminalization of homosexual act to the Supreme Court's decision now. Looking at Singapore case, the PinkDot movement started in 2009, and growing number of people gathered every year for the sake of solidarity for the people with homosexual tendencies. The problem again, again, and again is... you can respect and honor people with homosexual tendencies without agreeing with the homosexual relationships, but people think that to support and care for them, you must let them ''marry''. With the fast spread information and social media that is not neutral, I foresee that it will take less than 53 years for Singapore to be in where US is now if we don't buckle up. Anyway, I promise to be positive, we have HOPE!

I would really like to challenge people who wear pink shirts on PinkDot gathering every year, and people who change their profile picture with the rainbow-filter, do you really know what you are proud of? Have you done your research? Another friend sent me various articles that claim that children who were adopted by homosexual parents were not disadvantaged compared to heterosexual parents. However, none of these ''articles'' were scientific articles. People stopped at reading an article that cites another article that reviews another article @.@ When I finally found a convincing paper on this topic, the no-difference in psychological problems were between homosexual parents and divorced families. There was indeed a higher likelihood of having psychological problems when we compare the children of homosexual parents from the intact heterosexual parents.

I am also surprised that not many people talk about the children when they celebrate this 'victory'. Have you read this and this or this? Recently I have been playing with my boyfriend's niece, and my mind flew to all the developmental psychology studies when I saw his niece sat on him while he did push up and screamed ''up-down-up-down'' while she ran to me to pretend play Goldilocks and the three bears. I can't remember the titles anymore but there are tons of studies showing the complex relationship between motherhood, fatherhood, and child development. It's as simple as how daddy tends to carry the baby outwards, and do rough play with the babies, and how mother affects daughter's body image and so on and so forth. It's complex. I just cannot comprehend how you would allow two mothers and two fathers to adopt children, after you know how unique the role of each parent is. No matter how strong and muscular the other mother is, and how gentle the other father is, can you really imagine a ''mother'' brought the daughter for a father-daughter-date and talked to her about how a guy should behave?

Anyway, enjoy the celebration! For me, life goes on :) If one truly thinks that #Lovewins, one will think about the children too. If one truly thinks that #Lovewins, one will stand up against people who send hatred messages or actions to priests and pastors even though he or she is agree with gay marriage. If one truly thinks that #Lovewins, there is no need to sue a baker who doesn't want to bake for your wedding (there are so many bakers out there, my love to my partner is not affected by one person's rejection). Love is not only for my partner, but also my neighbor and his or her God.

Much homework needs to be done to wake people up before it's too late.

What kind of love that #Lovewins proclaims?

For us who live in Singapore and Indonesia, what can we do? First, if you are Christians or Catholics, please stop saying ''the Bible said so" or "the Pope said so". It's a good time to read up. Second, pray. Third, be a better family member. If you are dating, prepare your marriage well, as our children are facing harder times soon. If you are married, strengthen your marriage, as that is the most beautiful testimony that you can give.

Letters from the past

I've found these stacks of letters in my old bag in my bedroom in Indonesia.

please ignore the mess behind...The blue box contains Barbie doll dresses @.@

This photo excludes Christmas cards from my primary school days.

I threw most of the Christmas cards except a few. Being primary school student, we wrote little on Christmas cards =P

However, the letters were too hard to be thrown away. I washed the bag and moved the letters to a nice cute tin. Unfortunately, the tin was a little bit small as it can only contain C6-size envelopes. I kept the DL-size envelopes in my other memorabilia-shoebox.

I used to have pen friends. Initially I only planned to keep one letter from each friend. I think I only had two or three pen friends. The memorable one was one from Bali. She sent me a Westlife poster. It was my first celebrity poster, as my dad put a poster of ministers' name and photos instead of celebrity photos on the wall. I am really curious, what if I send them letters now? In this facebook era. Are my pen friends still staying in the same house? Well, you know..Indonesia is a huge country.

I had another type of letter, which is from friends from my old school. I changed school when I was Primary 4. There were two or three friends whom I wrote letters to from the primary school and there was another friend from English course who has the same birthday as me =P

I can't remember how and why I stopped corresponding with my pen friends. I guess it is because of the busy schedule in secondary school? I suddenly miss the experience of writing letters. At the moment, I correspond through postcards mainly with my two friends, both are in UK. It's quite funny because recently I don't travel, so I don't have a nice postcard to write. I went to a bookstore with my colleague and I complained to her that I didn't like the postcards. She's a good photographer and I told her, "I think your photo is much better to be a postcard!" Afterwards, she let me choose her photos and we printed three 'postcards', very beautiful photos of Singapore landscape!!

I still have the habit of writing Christmas cards and as I travel overseas sometimes, I write postcards. I think these hard copy letters are really irreplaceable. Nothing can replace the excitement of waiting for letters and of thoughtfully put my thoughts down in writing. Unlike writing emails, which provides me the option to click backspace or delete, I need to think carefully before I write and I need to plan what I want to write (most of the times I run out of space). I guess I should write postcards more often. Hahaha. It's a good exercise for me to be less impulsive.

Things I wish I knew when I was a teenager

Vacation at home in Indonesia is not complete without cleaning my room. There are always things to throw as I always have a hard time to be detached from memorabilia, clothes, or papers. As I grow old(er), some things lose the value and I manage to reduce them. For example, last year I reduced one-box-per-high-school-year of memorabilia (total of 3 boxes) to one-box-for-3-yeards-of-high-school.

As I read my doodles in my agenda and diary or what other people wrote about me, I came to realize how lucky I am to have known some people now, particularly my spiritual director and people who give me formation classes.

So here they are: list of things I wish I knew when I was a teenager:

I wish I knew earlier...
1. that I can and should attend frequent confession, and that it would give a great benefit for me.

When I was about to receive Sacrament of Confirmation, a priest did tell me that sins are like thorns in the flesh (my last confession before that was in Primary 6!). Thus I somehow knew that I need to attend Confession frequently, but the people around me generally go twice a year and unlike in Singapore, priests do not sit in confessional 15minutes before Mass. I guess it's because of the limited number of priests in parishes in Indonesia.

Furthermore, when I read what people wrote about me, I became more aware on how bad my temperament was (or is to be precise). It's there. It's always been there, just that the manifestations change a bit. When I was primary school, my mom often scolded me and joked a bit that my lips became 5centimeters longer when I showed black face =P Now of course I don't do that kind of thng, but I do show black face when I'm corrected or unhappy with silly little things.

2. that it is important to guard my heart

You know..those silly period when you had crush here and there?
I think I was a bit emotionally attached and wasting too much time dreaming or day-dreaming.
Thankfully my parents never ally with idleness and my brother's and my schedule is always full, but still I would love to know earlier that it is good to not feel too emotionally attached with other people.

3. that I need to know about home-making

I study study study study study and 'only' study when I was teenager.

I am really grateful that at least my mom make sure that I wash my dishes =P but I only iron my own clothes on regular basis in university @.@ (unlike my friend) My own mom is a home-maker since I was 9 years old, so I never despised home-making, but I really little knowledge in home-making skills and need to catch up a lot now. hahaha.

4. that I need to choose good books

I was looking through the books that I read and I realized that I could've spent the time reading better books. I only started reading Indonesian literature such as Pramoedya Ananta Toer's works in university (ironically, through a module called Modern Indonesian Literature in a foreign university!). I didn't know that there were books that were considered 'classics'. My friend is a librarian and when we had garage sale last year, she got the job to select books that were not so appropriate to sell. Some of the titles were actually popular on bookstores and that experience opened my eyes and made me hope that I knew these earlier. Once we organized a discussion on 'how to choose good books'. I really like the explanation that my friend gave. We only have limited time on earth and there are so many good books to read! Why would we waste time to read bad books? Another explanation is similar with our physical health, we try not to eat junk food on purpose. We also obviously do not want to take poison. The same thing works for our mind too. We don't want to poison our mind with books that can be harmful to our mindset.

That's all for now. Hahaha.

Anyway, get up and start again =) Happy mid-year!

The value of freedom

I've spent a few days in Indonesia and I'll be back in Singapore on Saturday. Looking at my brother preparing his undergraduate final project defense, I look back and thank God that my parents have taught both of us a great lesson about freedom.

I only heard the notion of 'freedom-with-responsibility' in university (unfortunately), but my parents have taught both of us about it since young. While many parents force their kids to study in school of medicine, my mom talked to my brother and questioned him when my brother was wondering if he should be a doctor, if he really wants to be a doctor or he actually likes other things. My brother thought again and realized that he did not really want to be a doctor and at the end he chose architecture. When I was about to graduate from high school, other parents 'complained' to my mom "Why do you let your daughter choose psychology?" (as I was from science stream). My mother said in a cool manner, "It's her life, so let her choose what she wants". My parents just want us to finish what we start.

This may sound very simple. However, it's not that simple for other people (or parents). I've seen people suffer because their parents force them to choose a particular major, or not to choose a particular boyfriend/girlfriend (without strong reasons). I've seen relatives who were forced to study during high school, and once they are in college and live far from their parents, they enjoy their new 'freedom' by not studying!

When the priests talk about the importance about teaching children how to use their freedom responsibly, I always remember my parents. They are really an example for me and a good reminder for me (I can be a controlling person at times!), that learning how to use freedom with responsibility is really important! Take the freedom away and the kids will be handicapped :(

the Joy of Easter

Lord, give me back the joy of Easter!

Last night was the first time I attended Easter Vigil in a small parish. Well, it's not like a parish in a small town, but compared to last year and the previous years when I used to go to Cathedral, last night was a special experience. I was so touched to see the godparents put the baptismal gown on the newly baptized.

Since I came to Singapore, I have not really had an attachment to a particular parish. In university, my home and my family is Legion of Mary. Even when I was involved as an assistant catechist for a while in the parish, my priority was Legion of Mary.

In these three years of working, I've also experienced moving house for three times. Furthermore, my weekend schedule was really unpredictable and I really like to use my Sunday to catch up with my friends, so I go according to which Mass timing can be used to accompany friends to Mass or to meet with friends afterwards.

Anyway, the title of this post is the Joy of Easter.

I am so grateful that this Lent was started with a reflection given by the priest to the pre-teens girls, encouraging them to give up something more to our Lord during Lent. Afterwards, the priest said that I could apply what he said to the girls to my own self. Thus, I was really inspired to seriously give up something and pick up something good during this Lent.

One of my resolutions is to arrive 10 minutes early for daily Mass was such a failure. However, I'm still grateful because perhaps without such resolutions, I would still be late more frequently than ordinary days. God also helped me to be early for daily Mass in unique way, such as I was too late for weekday Mass in the nearest parish, but I was much early to reach another parish and I could do my prayer there before Mass. This only happened for a very few times (out of 40 days of Lent!), but because it happened closer to Holy Week, I was really really encouraged and benefit a lot from those special moments in front of Our Lord.

I've also been thinking about the past Easter that I experienced since I graduated from university. Although Easter is supposed to be a season of Joy, I noticed that I created my own problem and cross for Easter Day. Hahaha. Funny right?

Lord, give me back the Joy of Easter.
Please help me to recover the true joy beyond the first joy that you gave me a few years ago.

Thank you.

Happy Easter!! :)

ps. I'm going to eat my french fries today to celebrate Easter. YEAYYYYYYY!!! =D My spiritual director was a bit amazed that I love fries THAT MUCH. hahaha.

7 Quick Takes Friday Vol.49

- 1 -

This year's Ash Wednesday coincided with the eve of Chinese New Year. It's a big thing in Singapore, while in Indonesia my family's celebration is not so big as my family is mixed already (my dad is half-Indonesian Chinese).

- 2 -

I slept a lot last week to compensate last week's roses-business sleepless nights. Here's my reflection on roses and the little things!

- 3 -

Packing to go back to Indonesia and choosing good clothes to wear for Chinese New Year makes me think again about challenges in practising modesty. I have not been a good example in the past and sometimes now too, but I think it's good to encourage each other and keep trying to dress well.

- 4 -

I've been wondering on how I can encourage my friends to go for spiritual formation. I always use the Indonesian phrase "tak kenal maka tak sayang" ((if you) don't know (then you) don't love), we need to know the person well to be able to love the person. Isn't that true? Recently I've noticed that even though my boyfriend and I meet almost every day, there are always things that we don't know about each other. We do need to 'learn' more about each other. I believe that this is the same with the relationship with God. How do we know if the God that I know is the God who wants me to be active in ministry or church activities a to z without spending time in prayer? How do we know that God is happy with us 'just' by going to church on Sunday and a few minutes before going to bed?

And these questions woke me up again. Sometimes even if I think I pray, or even if I think I attend spiritual formation, I may be trapped in a just-do-it mentality. At the end of the day, the main struggle is really to love God more, through prayer, through the commitment for spiritual formation, through my nine-to-six-thirty job. It is a challenge to bring it to consciousness that this is for God, I do this for God as a sign of love.

- 5 -

Money and financial problem is a real problem.

Well, I that, but I don't think I ever feel the pinch of balancing between 'dream job' and money or (future) family and money as how I felt a few days ago. I remember once my Indonesian friends did the calculation of salary & housing down payment. I did that recently and the figure is (still) shocking. Thank God my mom told me to pay my loan little but save a bit of money since I started working. Initially I was thinking to pay my loan as fast as I can. Apparently I do need the money (and it's not enough).

I guess one thing I will share with my future children is to save money wisely. It's so easy to go for frequent budget travel each year, but now I realize that 'do things that I want to do when I am still single' won't work. I mean...when you finally find your Mr or Mrs. Right, the money won't come directly and immediately from the sky!!

- 6 -

Speaking about deeper things

Have you ever felt how beautiful it is when you talk to your friends about deeper things?

I feel very grateful that I have a few close friends who can share about values, family, relationships, spiritual life, even since we were in university. Sometimes I may take them for granted :( Apparently it's not so easy to find friends like these.

- 7 -

Update about my reading:
I finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird =) As for spiritual reading, "Testimony of Hope" was really a glimpse of hope for me. Hahaha. This book contains the spiritual exercises of Pope John Paul II given by Archbishop Francis Xavier Nguyen Van Thuan who was imprisoned by Vietnamese government for thirteen years! What I like from the book is even though there are things in my current situation that I feel unbearable, the 13 years imprisonment that the archbishop experienced was not even a reason to give up. This book really reminded me on things that really matter in my life!

I'm waiting for my boyfriend to find his Hobbit. that's my next reading.
As we are in the middle of Lent, I'm very happy to start reading "Does suffering make sense?" by Russel Shaw.

More quick takes at here.

Have a fruitful Lent! =)

It's in the little things

One week has passed since the crazy Valentine's weekend. Oh no no, it's not that I threw party or something like that. My friends and I sold roses for Valentine's Day. They are soooo talented.

This flower arrangement experience really reminds me of the power of the little things. When you buy the roses, you literally just see the top of the roses and filler flowers. However, we (the florist *cough cough*) saw the roses from various angles. You may think that the roses come instantly in good shape. Nope, they do not. Now I understand why other people sell flowers at a high price. It takes a lot of effort to make sure that the roses last long and it takes a lot of time to prepare the flowers.

This roses business is not only about money. I also learn the power of little things from my dear friend who still had the time to prepare dinner for us on the eve of Valentine's Day. Not only dinner, but a healthy dinner for a fussy-eater like me.

Now that we experience the 'hardship' of selling roses, I really believe that no good things come instantly. I don't think life is about 'being convenient'. Other people may just think that this kind of business is 'easy' as you 'just' need to sell the roses. However, it's not true. You may not believe it, but those bouquets are not 'anonymous'. Even though they are all similar, when we arranged the roses, we really thought of whom the roses are for (not only about whose order it was). One of my duties was to write the message and I really prayed for the person who would receive the flower. Be it for the reason of celebration, or reconciliation.

Now that one week has passed since the Valentine's Day, I really hope these lessons of the little things stuck in my mind (and my heart). And of course, I wish that my two friends ,who did this for a very important cause, will be able to cherish each other more after Valentine's Day (after being busy to help others show their love to their loved ones on the Valentine's Day). Thank you friends for showing me how to love! =)

It's okay to make mistakes *but get up again!*

I don't really like to talk about issues around modesty in public, because personally I've failed here and there too. I sometimes looked back at my past mistakes and I was like, "oh man...such a shame".

However, on the other hand, I feel that talking about these issues has become an affirmation for me. It helps me to think twice or thrice before I decide what I'm going to wear or before I behave in public (even though there may not be any friends that I know around me). It's not about being scrupulous in measuring how many centimeters my dress is, but it's more about whether this dress/cloth is flattering and whether it reflects my personality and my ideals. It's not only about feeling good or looking good, but talking about these issues about modesty actually helps me about the basic philosophy of the unity between body and soul.

I remember when I was an undergraduate, I wore an ugly basketball pants with slippers to class because most students wear shorts to class (but I felt uncomfortable of wearing too-short shorts to class). I also didn't realize that those who wore slippers actually wore branded slippers ($50 for a pair of slippers!) while I wore a bathroom slippers.

Anyway, thankfully I gave up. I realized it's ugly and I went back to my shirt+jeans attire. Since my second year in university, I became a roommate with another Indonesian girl and I noticed that she really makes an effort to dress well to class (especially if she has class at faculty of arts and social sciences because students in engineering faculty do not bother to dress well). To be honest, she looks nice and I want to look nice too! Come on, who doesn't want to look presentable? Since then, the journey of dressing well has begun.

It's a never-ending journey. Learning to dress well is a life-learning process. I definitely don't agree with obsession of owing branded cloth or buying cloth just because it's on sale. However, I slowly also agree that dressing shabbily is not a good thing. It's a whole process of respecting myself and respecting other people that I meet. My family is very thankful to my boyfriend because he is kinda 'speed up' this learning process. HAHAHA.

Anyway, it's okay to make mistakes. For super shorts, I can't do much so I wear them to sleep. As for dresses that have low cut, or backless, I do still wear them with creativity: with tube, with scarfs, with cardigans, as they still look nice and modest if I combined them with other basics. In fact, I recently love the combination of a tube maxi dress and plain crop top (with high heels, cos I'm short)! If you bump into me, you won't know it's a tube dress. =P  It's also good because crop top is cheap (cheaper than cardigan), but I won't wear a crop top because I don't agree that to look pretty you need to show your belly button. =P Some tube maxi dresses are also cheaper than other maxi dresses, so this combination is my cheapest and favorite so far. Hahaha.

ps. the rule of thumb is our cloth should direct people to our eyes and face, not to our other parts of our body as we communicate a lot through our eyes (more info here).

Let's get up again! ^^ Cheers!

Starting Lent with Chinese New Year!

Today is the second day of Chinese New Year. I'm spending time at my cozy home in Indonesia. My dad closed his office for today even though it's not a public holiday. =) My brother is visiting his girlfriend's family and my parents and I are waiting for foot massage time.

At the beginning, it seems challenging to celebrate Chinese New Year (CNY) with a Lenten spirit. However, after awhile, I slowly see that reunion dinner and CNY celebration can provide many opportunities to practice little mortification.

In Singapore, we could replace the fasting and abstinence to another day, as the eve of CNY celebration when big families gathered for reunion dinner fell on Ash Wednesday, especially because the majority of its population is Chinese. Personally, I chose to still abstain from meat at least during lunch. My boyfriend and I did our fasting last week and even though it was quite tough, I decided to give up eating too much snack in his family's house =P

Nevertheless, there's a new discovery that I think may be useful to keep in mind. The most difficult additional mortification sometimes is to keep quiet when I'm tempted to be critical, be it in CNY gathering with his family or my own family. Another challenging thing to do is precisely to talk to the distant relative and ask things that is of his or her interest. I was failed at times, but on Sunday I will visit my dad's side of family as they have left home when I reached Indonesia yesterday, so pray that I can offer up these little sacrifices.

Another thing that is very encouraging is as we celebrate CNY, my Lenten resolution can also be another new year resolution. It doesn't mean that I add more resolutions, but for the past two months, I have seen where I failed most of the times, which areas I need to improve urgently, and thanks to the retreat, God has shown me how I can love Him more too in concrete ways. So this Lent and CNY celebration is a good momentum to put them into practice.

Happy New Year!! Hope we can start this Lunar New Year with a good preparation for Easter too. I guess it's not only about 'giving up' french fries or sweet drinks only, this Lent is also a chance to pick up positive habits as a sign of love for Our Lord. God bless!

7 Quick Takes Friday Vol.48

It's been a while since I wrote 7QT. I have some things that I'd like to write here and there, but I haven't really written about them.

- 1 -

Worthy Ache

Last week was the week with the most physical exercises that I've ever had. I went climbing twice and I had Balinese dance practice. Phew! I felt fresh though. The good thing that I like about climbing and dance practice is they make me feel tired and I won't have weird dreams (like two nights ago when I dreamed that there were two planes did emergency landing near my office >.<).

- 2 -

Time to Invest on ...?

People at my age are really concerned about money, savings, and some of us, investment. I do not go into high-risk investment like buying stocks, but I do set aside money for savings. There are many types of people with regards to money. Some say that since by the time we get the returns of the money, the value has changed and has been lower than its value now, you might as well want to use the money to travel and enjoy yourself now.

I think with regards to our time, we also have different approaches in using our time. I keep telling myself that I don't have time (and so do my friends!). Now reading 10 minutes per day becomes a habit, but still when I suggest others to read 10 minutes per day, it's not that easy to start! (just like how I struggled six years ago!). Isn't it the same with money? The principle is to set aside the savings first before we spend it on other things. Once the salary comes, set aside money for savings, then allocate the rest for the spending. I think time is like that too. When I see how fast people react to the change of my facebook profile picture (and imagine the unimaginable), I was thinking to myself, "Wow, people do have lots of time!" The question is, how do we invest this time?

- 3 -

Waiting but not in Advent

I love to contemplate on the pain and joy of waiting in Advent because I can easily relate to Our Lady and those uncertainties she had when she couldn't find the inn, and also when she needed to flee to Egypt.

Now is the ordinary time of the year (and Lent is coming soon!). I need to constantly remind myself on the beauty of waiting. Come on, who likes waiting? I whatsapp people or check facebook while waiting for the MRT (even though the wait may just be for 3 minutes!). Even Paul's little niece watches iPad as she's waiting for her grandma to feed her. These are waiting for the little things.

There are many other bigger things that require waiting and patience, thus the waiting becomes more painful at times (though the joy when the time comes will be even greater). There are also people who wait without even knowing if the things they wait will come or not, for example, I've met a lady who has been married for five years and waiting for pregnancy. I've met another strong lady who has cancer and she also doesn't know if she can be cured, yet she still undergoes whatever treatment possible. Sometimes I feel ashamed that my little waiting is soooo uncomparable with these ladies' waiting, yet it's so frustrating and annoying.

- 4 -

To Kill a Mockingbird

I do enjoy reading this book! =) Again, thanks to my 1hour journey to office ^^ I finally reached the part that explained the title of this book. Hahaha. (I've been wondering why the title is like that!)

“Atticus said to Jem one day, "I’d rather you shot at tin cans in the backyard, but I know you’ll go after birds. Shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit ‘em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird." That was the only time I ever heard Atticus say it was a sin to do something, and I asked Miss Maudie about it. "Your father’s right," she said. "Mockingbirds don’t do one thing except make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corn cribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.” 

- 5 -

Sensitive Topics

Once I searched on "how to talk about sensitive topics with your boyfriend/spouse" and I found an interesting site. I'm sorry I can't remember the link now, but it's interesting to see how a topic that is normal for one side may be a sensitive topic for the other side! For example, to say "your hair is a little bit messy" is a sign of love from my boyfriend, but it's a 'hu-ha' and a big deal for me. Hahahaha (we used to have big quarrels because of this). On the other hand, to ask "Have you talked to your friend about a b c?" is a sign of love from me, but it's a sign of control for him, he'd prefer the phrase "Don't forget to a b c".

so yeah, it's good to sit down and think, "What are the sensitive topics for us?"

- 6 -

Children's Pretend Play

I don't want to go into the discussion whether pretend play really benefits children, but I am concerned about the time that preschoolers lose these days, particularly in Singapore. Children were 'pushed' to read (sometimes way too early) or to memorize flash cards.

It's very interesting to play with my boyfriend's niece. Two weeks ago we carried the 'babies', one is baby Jesus, one is baby Mother Mary (duh...it's her ideas). Then we pretended to go to swimming pool and she said, "The babies will play in the children's pool, we can swim in the adult pool." Me: "Oh we can leave them there?" her: "Yes it's okay!"

Last night, when I suggested that we 'brought' the babies to the swimming pool, she said "The babies are too small to play in the swimming pool". Hahahaha.

- 7 -

I'm going for my retreat!
I can't believe that it's only February, yet I feel physically and spiritually tired.
Looking forward for my 8-hour-sleep (and of course..the peace and silence with God)

More quick takes at Kelly's blog:

When life seems extraordinarily ordinary

Now I'm kinda used to the daily commuting between my house and my office.
Traveling for one hour, gives me not only chance to sleep again *oops*, but also a chance to read novels, work on a little bit of translation, and to think.

It also means that there are moments when I really need to stop because I am down with sore throat and cough (like today).

At these moments, life seems extraordinarily ordinary. You 'just' wake up, eat, work, eat, go home, eat, sleep, etc. Before you can do extraordinary things like let's say...doing parchment craft? The time has shown that it's 10 or 11pm and you'll find yourself 'rushing' to sleep again to make sure you can be 100% awake tomorrow.

Nevertheless, isn't it the reality of this life? That we spend most of our time to do ordinary things, and that the most heroic things to do is to do our ordinary duty extraordinarily well. These are not my words, but the words of many great saints. In the book Mary of Nazareth, the author explained that if most of us do not have chance to do extraordinary things and we don't strive to do our ordinary things well, what's left behind as an offering for God? Thus, our offering is precisely in these ordinary things.

Everyone wakes up in the morning. How about waking up 'on the dot', promptly when the alarm rings? Well, not everyone can do it or at least strive to do it. Thus, it's not an easy sacrifice to wake up on time day after day, month after month.

Most of us go to work every day. How about working without creating distractions for ourselves (e.g., messaging or browsing)? That's the struggle for most of us.

Thus, today's sick leave is a good reminder for me. At times my duty is exactly to rest (even though I don't want to!). At times God's will for me is to stay at home and put order in my room rather than meeting up with a friend and doing apostolate. On another day, God wants me to have dinner with my friend rather than hanging out with my boyfriend.

The constant awareness of presence of God is needed every day, and I need to ask God how I can struggle better in many areas of my ordinary life this year. =)

Rome Sweet Home - Part 1

I was planning to write about the experience in Madrid first  (after the Santiago trip). However, my friend is going to Rome in January, so I promised her to write about Rome as quickly as possible. Here is the first part of the write-up!

Day 1

We arrived on 30^th September and we were amazed that the hotel where we stayed was so close to St Peter’s Basilica. First thing we did was to shower because we had not showered for 22 hours (we slept over at Barcelona airport during the transit). We also washed our clothes and we hang the clothes at the balcony, oops!

We had our first Italian lunch at a small café nearby. I doubted myself whether I could finish the pizza because it was so huge!! And yes, I managed to finish the pizza. Hahaha. It costs only 6.50 Euro with coke! We were so excited to enter St. Peter’s Basilica. The queue was long but it moved very fast. We also said a Creed outside the Basilica. From the middle of St. Peter’s Square, we could see Pope’s apartment and the statue of Our Lady outside that wall. Apparently that statue was only recently added during Pope John Paul II’s time. One of the youth told the Holy Father that St Peter’s square was incomplete without Our Lady. There are statues of many saints, but not Our Lady’s. Pope John Paul II agreed and Don Alvaro asked people that he knows to start designing it without waiting for instructions, so it could be used when the Pope needs it. And it’s true. One of the designs was approved by the Pope and stood there till now.

View from our hotel

The obelisks in Rome were gifts from Egypt. One of them is in the middle of St. Peter's Square

One of our friends in our group, who lived in Rome for 3 years before, explained to us about how just like other basilicas, this basilica was built above smaller church. Similar with Cathedral of Santiago, when they found the body of St. Peter, they also found many other people were buried around St. Peter. This is the characteristics of the first Christians. They want to be buried near the holy people.

After we passed the security screening (we just need to put our bags in the X-ray), we saw the Bronze Gate. My friend later on went there to get tickets for us for the audience with Pope Francis (the one held every Wednesday).

Bronze Gate, where we asked for the ticket for audience with the Pope

Once we entered the Basilica, we could see the beautiful sunlight that went through the windows and ceiling. It could be captured even using a normal camera. The floor was made in mosaic style and one of our group who studied fine arts explained that the statues at the ceiling was not made not in the correct proportions so that when we looked at them from our level, they looked in the correct proportions.

We also saw the huge statues of two angels for the holy water. Our friend always mistakenly called them ‘the two babies’. Hahaha.

Do you see the sun ray?

My head was tired of looking up, but it's worthwhile!

Below the altar was the body of St John Paul II

This one is the comparison of sizes of various Basilicas in the world!

St Josemaria Escriva, the founder of Opus Dei, saint of ordinary life!

These are the two angels that are always called as 'babies' by my friend

The Pieta by Michaelangelo!

The altar where the Papal Chair was located was exactly above the tomb of St. Peter. Unfortunately we couldn’t go down because there was a Mass at the area where the entrance to the tomb was. Behind the Papal Chair was the stain glass with a dove, a representation of the Holy Spirit, which was mistakenly thought as clock by my friend. Hahahaha. 

We also saw a wall with the list of Popes starting from St. Peter. It was really amazing to witness the continuity of the Catholic Church and this is an affirmation that this Church is not merely a social or human institution. The people have ‘problems’, faults, sins, but the Church is still here and God fulfilled the promise of ‘the gates of hell shall not prevail against it’!

We spent quite some time just walking inside the Basilica. We also prayed in front of the body of St John Paul II. 

St Peter's Basilica view in the evening

Enjoying our first gelato!!

Day 2

Audience with Pope Francis!!!

The queue was really really really horrible, but all of us got seats. Our friends also told us to run to where we saw babies because there’s a chance that Pope Francis will stop and bless the babies =P Anyway, we didn’t reach that close, but we were happy to see the Holy Father were much closer than in TV :p We were climbing the chairs and screamed, “Holy Father! Holy Father!” Once we saw him went to our side, my two friends and I raaaaaaaaaaaaaannnn and we could see him quite close. I think around 2 meters away? I don’t mind that I don’t have good photo of him, but to really see him was such a relief. I think this craziness is really different with craziness over celebrity. Even though we screamed, we climbed the chairs, we ran after him, it’s a feeling that is definitely different because it has helped me to pray more to the Church and the Holy Father. It’s a feeling of small kids that don’t see the father after let’s say an overseas trip? I grow up in a totally ‘remote’ areas from Rome, and in Indonesia, we’ve always been a minority. I only heard about the Pope or saw him on TV. At that moment, he’s so real and close! I also met many people who also loves the Pope. It was really an encouraging experience.

He gave a homily about charism and the importance of using the charism for others and God because it’s a gift from God. At the end, I took out all the religious articles that I bought the day before to get them blessed by the Pope ^^

The best photo that I took!

My friend who was really good in drawing (while we were waiting for the audience to start)

After the audience, we went to Colosseum. We just looked at it from outside because there’s nothing much inside. Our friends explained how Colosseum was built in such manner that a large number of audience can go in and out easily.  My friend also reminded us of a story of St Therese of Lisieux who went into a part that was actually restricted and kissed the soil as the first Christians were martyred there.

There again I was reminded on how many people have died for the faith in Rome. 

Colosseum, it is mainly for entertainment. One of the 'entertainment' that time was the killing of many of the first Christians

Afterwards we went to the Church of the Holy Cross of Jerusalem (Santa Croce in Gerusalemme). There we saw the relics related to the Passion of Our Lord: nails that were used to nail Jesus to the cross, the thorns from the crown, part of finger of St. Thomas who wanted to touch the wound of Jesus before he believed that it’s Jesus who resurrected, and the copy of the Holy Shraud which was used to wrap the body of Jesus (the original was in Turin). 

When I saw these things, it was a real reminder how Jesus that I talk to every day is a real person. A real God and a real man and his sacrifice is not a joke. His sacrifice is real. 


On the same day, I also went to Basilica of St Mary Maggiore and Archbasilica of St John Lateran.
Unfortunately I can't really remember which photos are the interior of which churches :( Sorry! (Except one photo that I managed to match with wikipedia =P)

 

Interior of Basilica of St Mary Major

Regina Pacis, Queen of Peace

Mass Schedule at Santa Croce de Gerusalemme