Truly...Holy Week

There are so many things that are happening in the past two weeks. I was like, wow...it's truly Holy Week.

Last week I felt much more peaceful after going to spiritual direction (obviously when I wrote the post, I had not gone to the spiritual direction). Anyway, sometimes things are getting very difficult. If added with tiredness, it becomes even worse. This week, something happened to my friend and I reflected a lot because of what has happened in two weeks. I was shown a huge contrast between my selfishness last week and my other friends' self-less-ness towards my friend.

Still.. I've found it difficult to be generous.
Precisely when I told Pilar today that my main struggle this week is to be generous, I got the first challenge already: being misunderstood of being selfish.
That hurts. It's like you're trying to change and improve yourself, but there's already a stamp on your forehead "Ferninda is selfish". And this happens exactly at the time when I told myself, "I want to be more generous." It's Like my intention can never match my action. As much as I want to be generous, my action still shows that I'm selfish.

Thank God, it's just nice that today's circle topic is on generosity and detachment. I really really need this topic.

Jesus said, "Love one another as I have loved you,".

Love one another sounds 'easy', but to love like how He loves us, with forgiveness, with gentleness, with 100% forgetful of your own self, with a self-giving love, is D.I.F.F.I.C.U.L.T

I'm praying hard so that He gives me strength to carry on and the grace to love like how He loves me. 

the 'feeling good of doing evil'

My goodness, doing evil felt sooooo good. Despite what Fr Mario told me this morning, "to unite suffering with Christ" or what Pilar said "to offer-up, offer-up", I lost my control (again) and I gave excuse to myself, "I can't take it N.O.W."

I know that tomorrow I'll regret it, or even later, or even now..
I know the situation will be worsened, but just now I just felt that I need to let YOU know how I have been trying to control myself too.

Why Lord? Why? You want to me taste what you felt at Gethsemani too, don't you? but you are innocent, Lord. Oh man, it means He suffered more >.<
Nevermind, I want to complain

I just want to complain to YOU Lord, it's like giving me three exams in a day.
It's already hard to get up from my mistakes, but once I get up, as if I'm still slapped and stepped here and there.

Two days ago, the image that came to my mind was a mom and a dad carrying a little child (more into pulling her hand) to go up the stairs step by step. So I imagine Jesus and Mother Mary carrying me step by step.. but sometimes it's just too difficult..

I'm grateful that I still can function today (thanks to the new returned questionnaires!! :D )

I'm supposed to be calm, peaceful, and serene, am I not?
So just smile.. "ya...ya.....I'm sorry...I understand..ya....ya..." and... move on! ^^

If I can do that, I'll be saint already

I don't know what will happen tomorrow

I'm just very very tired because I always make someone very very tired..

I don't know if I'm even progressing

Have you ever felt hurt till you can feel the pain physically?

My mom will obviously scold me if she knows how I lost my control again just now.
I really wish she were here..
I wish she scolded me in front of me "You are selfish" just like what she said on whatsapp
I wish she scolded me, advised me, and scolded me again..she's the wisest woman that knows my personality very well and I'm happy that she doesn't defend me..
I wish she were here..

I don't know Lord.. I don't know if I can get through this...I'm so weak...help me

In need of miracle

Hi Jesus up there!

I'm in need of a little miracle...

Thank you

LOL - things Catholic girls say

Sharmini sent me the link about "things Catholic girls say"
I was 'listening' to the two videos and I was laughing at the facts that those things are true!!!

Ok here are the true statements from that video:
1. "There was one time I was discerning to be a nun"
2. "Is it too short? Are you sure?"
3. "My spiritual director says...."
4. "I seriously need to go confession."
5. "Have I said my morning prayer?"
6. "He's ... he's .... and he's Catholic!"
7. "I'll pray for you"
8. "I'm thinking whether I should homeschool my children"
9. "...cute babies in Mass..."
10. "Will xyz become Catholic?" (well, I don't really talk about Justin Bieber though :P)

This is really really cute!!! *still laughing until now*

And my engaged colleague told me one that was true,
"he was discerning..."

Ahhh.. Now I miss my 3-hour-marathon-chat with Sharmini! Hahahaha.

Holy Father and Soccer Match

You know what, initially I couldn't understand why people were soooooooo excited to get to know as soon as possible when Holy Father is elected. For me, "You will know anyway..." However, that morning when Fr Suyono announced, "We have a pope. Pope Francis from Argentina,", I was surprised that I found myself smiling, filled with joy, and...wahhh I can't describe it. I couldn't wait to spread the word to my mom and my friends :) I also couldn't wait to google the Holy Father hehehe

Anyway, now I think about it like a soccer match. How many weird people (e.g., me!) are willing to stay awake 1am or 2am to see the ball is passed from one side of the field to the other end. Or even when you can't stay awake, you'll check the score as soon as you wake up! Who won the match? Who scored the goal? Even question like, who got the red card? Obviously, for a matter that is much much much more important than a soccer match, people want to know the result soon!! (Some more you can also receive the first Papal blessing even when you watch through TV) You are excited, nervous, full of joy, curious, out of LOVE to Holy Father and the Church.

During retreat, Fr Mario said that we should pray more and offer up more mortification for the election of the new pope. It's like in a family, when the father is away, the whole family is more united to pray and support each other. This fact is really really beautiful! My friend tried to compare the role of Pope with Dalai Lama, but I told her, no...it's different. And I told her about the family analogy.

Today my colleague said, "I tried to search the news about the new pope, and I found it interesting that the Pope wears red shoes." I didn't know lei! hahaha. So I googled, and tradaaaaaaaaaaaaa. the red shoes have a meaning behind! It represents blood of martyr, Christ's own bloodied feet, and submission of Pope to the authority of Jesus Christ.

Amazing!!

Pray for Pope Francis I, okay? :)

Mid-March 2013

Helloooooo!!

Well, I don't where my time has gone, but it is MARCH now!! >.<
Last Friday I finally went swimming with Wanyu, yeay!! last weekend was perfect! :):):) I (finally) went to Gardens by the Bay hehehe. The conservatory was very beautiful!! The plants were unique! And of course, bonus free guide by a biologist, so it's worth it :P

He insisted not to ask someone's help to take picture for us >.< grrrrr...The only nice picture we had was either when we were with my mom or when Monic was in SG!! oh well...need to accept the fact that there won't be 'nice-dating-photos' ha5

No real waterfall, artificial waterfall can la ya :) beautiful waterfall!! :)

This weekend is quite busy, next Saturday too, and 2 weekends from now will be Easter already!! (Oh noooo....time to sprint!!)

My stamina is not too strong. By Thursday, it's already very hard to focus at work! >.< I've been struggling to focus during my work. Interestingly, I'm currently reading on qualitative analysis to prepare myself for the upcoming interviews with the elderly (the ethical review proposal is finally approved!!). I've been editing videos for experiment too. Quite fun! :)

I'm contemplating whether I should swim tomorrow after Mass, before meeting up with my trekking friends. Hmmmmmm... *haven't decided even though now is almost midnight*

yawn..... I really hope to get a restful weekend!!!