the 'feeling good of doing evil'

My goodness, doing evil felt sooooo good. Despite what Fr Mario told me this morning, "to unite suffering with Christ" or what Pilar said "to offer-up, offer-up", I lost my control (again) and I gave excuse to myself, "I can't take it N.O.W."

I know that tomorrow I'll regret it, or even later, or even now..
I know the situation will be worsened, but just now I just felt that I need to let YOU know how I have been trying to control myself too.

Why Lord? Why? You want to me taste what you felt at Gethsemani too, don't you? but you are innocent, Lord. Oh man, it means He suffered more >.<
Nevermind, I want to complain

I just want to complain to YOU Lord, it's like giving me three exams in a day.
It's already hard to get up from my mistakes, but once I get up, as if I'm still slapped and stepped here and there.

Two days ago, the image that came to my mind was a mom and a dad carrying a little child (more into pulling her hand) to go up the stairs step by step. So I imagine Jesus and Mother Mary carrying me step by step.. but sometimes it's just too difficult..

I'm grateful that I still can function today (thanks to the new returned questionnaires!! :D )

I'm supposed to be calm, peaceful, and serene, am I not?
So just smile.. "ya...ya.....I'm sorry...I understand..ya....ya..." and... move on! ^^

If I can do that, I'll be saint already

I don't know what will happen tomorrow

I'm just very very tired because I always make someone very very tired..

I don't know if I'm even progressing

Have you ever felt hurt till you can feel the pain physically?

My mom will obviously scold me if she knows how I lost my control again just now.
I really wish she were here..
I wish she scolded me in front of me "You are selfish" just like what she said on whatsapp
I wish she scolded me, advised me, and scolded me again..she's the wisest woman that knows my personality very well and I'm happy that she doesn't defend me..
I wish she were here..

I don't know Lord.. I don't know if I can get through this...I'm so weak...help me