Do what I want to do

Recently I've been feeling anxious and agitated, like a child who desperately wants a candy, but he or she is not given a candy.

The problem is, I didn't realize how agitated I am until I just burst out in anger.

There's no reason to be disappointed, but I feel like I just want to taste 'the candy'.

I'm upset, why I cannot do what I want to do? Be it because of my lack of experience, or there's no money to go to postgrad and I don't have the 'paper', the qualifications to do what I want to do, or just the fact that I am a foreigner.

There are moments when I was like, "Please please Lord let me do it."

It's annoying. It's really annoying.

And when Paul said, "No, it's not that you can't do what you want to do. Not yet, not yet."

The more he emphasized these two magic words, 'not yet', the more I felt "arrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, why???????????????????"

At the same time, as I know the risk that some jobs that I am thinking of will require me to work on weekends, this changes my other complains when I do things on weekend.
Yesterday as I cooked with girls' club, I felt so happy because I realized that there will be one day when I can't do this anymore with them.
If not because of job, one day I will settle down and move on too, so Pilar is right, this is a privilege. To look at the girls' eyes looking at me and the bakwan jagung (Indonesian food) with sparkling eyes and a "Wow, it looks yummy," is really a privilege.

So sometimes I'm just confused.
I really want to do what I want to do.

The problem is...there is always give and take. I can't find a perfect job, so I need to weigh the joy and the suffering comes in a job.
Another thing is I can't think of myself only anymore. (redundant 'only', nevermind...)

I feel that this whole thing of 'giving up your dream' is a nonsense sometimes, because what happens to me is I just want to give up.

But if you think about it again, there's no sacrifice in 'giving up your dream' because you just don't dream.

But I'm scared. What if even if it's a 'not yet', what if I still can't be what I want later?

I know I will still be happy. God will take care of me. God even switches my preference and likings.
But He is like that @.@ Changed my preference and liking here and there, and sometimes he shattered it again. Okay, it's a strong word. I guess he made me wait again. And always.

I just need to be patient..
and have faith.