Living my life as if there's nothing certain in this world (oh well, there are few certain things I guess)

Some of you know that I'm signing up for Standard Chartered Marathon (yes, full marathon).
When I do my long run training (which is behind schedule), I often drag myself and ask, "Oh man why did I sign up for this???"

I remember that my running buddy and I registered for super early bird price after the euphoria of our first half-marathon in April. It was a great experience and there was a sense of achievement.

and trada...this is the relationship between the title and and marathon:
It gave me a sense of achievement and a certainty.

When you work, there's no target for exam grade anymore.
You can't really target for how much salary increment you wanna have.
You can't have a super specific target in your family life. My friend's mom has been bugging her to get pregnant soon, but seriously, you don't know how fast the baby will come! And I've seen many friends who can't have children (that's why I stop asking people "When are you going to have kids?").
People who are engaged can break up too! Once my parents received an invitation for a wedding in Bali, tickets were booked, but the wedding was called off and my parents ended up going to Bali for a holiday.


But seriously, there's nothing certain in marathon too. Maybe it'll rain, maybe there's an accident, or...so that I don't sound too negative, maybe I will run faster than my target. When I first did my half-marathon, I was not sure if I would be okay because I heard cases of people die in the afternoon after the half-marathon. So I went for confession the day before the race and before I took nap, I asked my friend to call me a few hours later to check if I was still alive. Hehehe.

There's nothing certain in this world, except God's love :)
Except God's love.. Isn't it beautiful?

All the love and beauty on this world is just a tiny reflection of His love.

Unfortunately sometimes I'm caught up with focusing on this tiny reflection.
Isn't it amazing if I try to live with this awareness of God is the most important person in my life, rain or shine? Rather than waiting for things to fail, break down, or scramble before I live with this awareness.

There is nothing certain in this world, except God's love.

The difficulties of accepting God's will

Hello,

We're halfway through 2017!!

Today I'd like to share about the topic of doing God's will. I'm really inspired by people around me whom I've perceived as one who can accept God's will (that can be difficult) cheerfully, like many couples who can't conceive children or couples who have children with certain challenges such as special needs or physical challenges.

However, despite these examples, I (still) find it hard to accept God's will. I try to convince myself that I've been blessed with many many things, yet it's still difficult to accept some of His will.

Have you ever walked in the dark? Recently in the girls' camp with a girls' club, we did a game called the Blindman's Trail. The girls were blindfolded and they formed a long line, with just a few girls who were not blindfolded and they guided the rest of the girls. As a facilitator, my job was just to make sure that the girls did not roll down the stairs or something like that. The girls were supposed to walk quietly, but of course having been blindfolded, it was uncomfortable for them and they were complaining or yelling sometimes (especially when the girls who were not blindfolded tried to trick them).

As a bystander, I was just repeatedly telling them to keep quiet according to the instruction.

However, now I think I kinda now what they felt.

I feel I'm blindfolded now.

In my head, I know that God will lead me to a safe place, yet in my heart, I really feel uncomfortable and I'm tired (even though my job is supposed to be just follow the trail). I heard clearly that God wants me to trust him in the trail, but I felt it's just so tough to accept it.

I don't like it, as much as I want to accept His will, now I'm in a stage of feeling tired and I hope the blindfold will be opened soon.

So what to do?

Again, I'm reminded by the example of Montse Grase that has been mentioned many times during the camp. She accepted God's will cheerfully (she was diagnosed with a bone cancer when she was 17).

Help me, Lord :) Amen!

Running Diary #1 - my first half-marathon

Hi,

I've disappeared from this blog for months. I have been writing my thoughts and reflections about relationship and marriage for this website. It is a project supported by Family Life Society and Family Enrichment Society. My friends and I have been involved in this project for almost a year. I find it challenging to keep writing regularly after my super-energetic-work (aka jumping on trampoline, dancing, and teaching young children), so when I have the time and ideas to write, I devote them for the project.

Two weeks ago my friends and I completed our first half-marathon NTUC Income Eco Run. It was a great experience for me, and the result was better than I expected as I could still walk around (though very slowly) and laughed a lot and alive. I was worried that I would die after the race because I heard there was a case long time ago when a girl was okay after running half-marathon but then died in the afternoon. So I asked my boyfriend to message me in the afternoon just to check if I was still alive. I was also anxious that my legs would terribly ache or I would injure myself that I couldn't work after the public holiday, as there's no spare teacher in my school (and we had a colleague who needed to use crutches after a race before).

Anyway, the experience was good, so I thought it would be nice to write a little reflection or diary just to cheer me up a few years down the road.

I've never been a sporty person. Those who know me after 2012 may see me as a sporty person: rock-climbing, running, trekking, but I was always the last person who was picked up during PE lesson because I could not catch the ball properly. During basketball or volleyball game during PE lesson, I also preferred to chat (yes, in Indonesia you have the option to do that) or sit down and revise materials for the test in the next hour. Woohoo!

I only run more than 200 meters when I came to Singapore in 2008 and joined Eusoff Hall. As part of my orientation programme, the Eusoff Freshmen and the Orientation Committee and Orientation Group Leaders (OGLs) ran around NUS - I guess 5km? I wanted to die!!! I hated it, though I loved the part when we sang "Eusoff Eusoff"when we passed the competitor neighbour hall. The following year, I needed to do it again because I was in the orientation committee, I didn't even running the whole route because I was helping out at the water point. I vomited when we reached Eusoff Hall again. I only ran regularly in 2011 when I joined Mountaineering. As expected, I was always the last or second last person who finished the jog. But I started to like running because the Mountaineering people were so nice. Some of them would run back halfway to accompany us who were always dying at the end. I ran on my own outside training time hoping that I would not always end up as the few last persons, though I didn't do it regularly.

Even when I started running more regularly after graduation (definition: once in two or three months), I had stitch easily and I spent 30 minutes to run 2.4km? I signed up for Run-NUS two years ago and ran 5km in one hour -- just for fun. So when my friends asked me if I wanted to sign up for this half-marathon, I said Yes, without having run 10km before. She said, "Are you sure?" and some other friends said that I'm crazy. We signed up in November.

I'm a stubborn person and once my friend said, the good thing about being a stubborn person is you can change if you want it. So I started slowly (thanks to my patient boyfriend *clap clap*), from 3km, 5km, and I hit my first 10km in January. I was seriously worried that I (or my friends - but they are more ready for a run than me) may die because of the race, so since February, I really tried to train two to three times a week and kinda pushed my friends to train together. Now that I looked back, the best part of the half-marathon was the training with my friends, who are my colleagues! Those days when we would "scream" to each other - "5.30, 5.30, it's time to go home. We need to run now if we want to have time to run." Or another day when we were so tired after work that we decided to walk for a few minutes, that were extended to a few more minutes until we passed one MRT, and did a short run instead of a planned long run.

The hardest part of the half-marathon was after 15km, especially after 18km. I saw the sign 21km at the opposite side (it was a U-turn path) and told my friend "Wow, we are almost there!", then we realised a loooooooong way that we still needed to pass before we reached the opposite side. Now I understand why people always like to use the marathon run or mountain trekking to talk about spiritual journey. The part towards the end is the hardest.

Some friends asked what's so fun about running half-marathon?
I think for me it gives me a sense of achievement and the training gives me a lot of time to think and reflect. It has forced me to really exercise regularly (remember that I was so worried that I will die or injure myself?). At the same time, it helps to understand my body and remind myself that just like mountaineering, it is perfectly okay to stop if my body cannot take it. It also helps me to see that my work situation is not bad. I always thought that my working hours are long. Well, my working hours are still long, but they still enable me to have time to do something else (i.e., exercising) and have a quality time with my boyfriend and my friends.

Yes, I was conscious about the camera and thus was able to give a BIG smile!

Lenten Note #2: I want to change the world!

Once I asked my friend, have you ever wanted to change the world??

I do!!

Before I came to Singapore, my dream was to quickly complete my degree in NUS, fulfill the three-year-bond in Singapore(note: this work bond doesn't mean that you're guaranteed a job), then come back to Indonesia to serve my country. I want to change the way things are in my country.

Here I am, entering fifth year of working and I'm still here in Singapore.

Every time I go back to Indonesia, I think more about what else I can do for my country.
Oh, I used to want to build schools for poor people. I don't know how I'm going to do it now, but it's something that I keep in my heart.

The dream is still there, but I think, the formation that I've received has taught me that one way to change the world is by changing my own self, and that is the hardest thing to do (cough cough: eg how hard it is to declutter my own room and how difficult it is to wake up on the dot without snoozing).

Although I do not contribute directly to my country, I truly believe that being here has a good influence for my family. For example, three years doing research has taught me not to be content with the standard in Indonesia. I can share with my friends about what is a research standard in Singapore and I encourage my friends to pursue a higher standard. Working with children with special needs here has also helped me to have a dialogue with my mom to understand the children better. I'm so happy that I can tell my mom that I see and experience how children with special needs can live with dignity, and that we should give a good education for them too.

I won't stop dreaming. I still want to change the world, though it may not mean that I need to do something big or extraordinary.

Do you want to change the world? :)

Lenten Note #1: Have I given everything?

Was it a few days ago or last week that we read the parable of the rich young man? I can't remember.
Anyway, there are moments when I'm asking myself, "Have I really given everything to the Lord?" When I'm super tired, I sometimes complain to God, oh God I think you're really squeezing everything out of me already. However, there's a little whisper there, "Really? Everything?"

One of the things that is the most difficult for me to let go is my personal plan. I'm one of those who feels really insecure when I can't see what's next. I love to plan. Let me repeat, I LOVE to plan. I'm thinking in a quarter or six months, and I have this yearly view of important dates within this year. Unfortunately, not everything can be planned that far. It's still difficult for me to have that faith of knowing something last minute, or having last minute changes. That's why little sickness like cough or flu really disturbs me. I don't like changes. I want to be in control.

I don't say that planning is not important, it is indeed very important. However, I would really hope that I'm less agitated when things don't go according to my plan. Let's try :)

Chinese New Year Wishes and the Beatitudes

The reading on the previous Sunday (the second day of Chinese New Year celebration) was on the Beatitudes. I found it very interesting as for Chinese New Year celebration for two consecutive days, we've been wishing our family members and friends good health, more riches, more success, and all good things in the new year.

It was a good reminder for me and as I attended Mass that day I pray that in the year of Rooster, even if my health fails, or my bank account just passed the safe level, I will still be cheerful and faithful. I prayed that in this year of Fire Rooster, I will always (or at least most of the time) remember that the health, the riches, and the success are just means rather than the end and my ultimate end is heaven. Oh well, it's easy to say that but when I literally run from one class to another class during work it's hard to remember that. I pray that when some students sanctify me through their annoying behaviors, I will remember that they want to say something through their behaviors and God wants me to respond to them in charitable manners.

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

:)

Finally - Achieved: Reading the Lord of the Rings

I'm on holiday! Yeay!

I've finally finished reading the Lord of the Rings. Some parts really struck my mind and made me forget that I'm reading a novel, not a spiritual reading.

One particular part was in the first book when Frodo asked Gandalf on why he was chosen. However, I can't remember the page number so I can't write much about it! It really reminds me about Vocation - calling from God, how sometimes we feel so little that God has chosen us to partake in an important mission, but seriously, it doesn't matter that we're small and not of the top quality as He will give us the grace to do it.

Here are some other parts that I love (and remember - because I wrote the page number in my phone):

'The Paths of the Dead?' said Pippin. 'I heard Aragorn say that, and I wondered what he could mean. Won't you tell us some more?'

'Not willingly,' said Gimli. 'For upon that road I was put to shame: Gimli Gloin's son, who had deemed himself more tough than Men, and hardier under earth than any Elf. But neither did I prove; and I was held to the road only by the will of Aragorn'.

'And by the love of him also,' said Legolas. 'For all those who come to know him come to love him after their own fashion, even the cold maiden of the Rohirrim....'

(The Return of the King)

I love this conversation because it reminds me of many times in my life when I feel forced to do something initially, but how at the end I do it willingly out of love. I've heard it many times among couples too, like how my friend who used to shop dresses quite frequently reduced her shopping frenzy out of love for her husband. I heard an anecdote about a married couple who have been watching bull-fighting for the longest time thinking that the other half loves it. So both of them actually didn't like bull-fighting.

I love another piece of conversation between Gimli and Legolas as they entered Minas Tirith.

'There is some good stone-work here,' he said as he looked at the walls; 'but also some that is less good, and the streets could be better contrived. When Aragorn comes into his own, I shall offer him the service of stonewrights of the Mountain, and we will make this a town to be proud of.'

'They need more gardens,' said Legolas. 'The houses are dead, and there is too little here that grows and is glad. If Aragorn comes into his own, the people of the Wood shall bring him birds that sing and trees that do not die.'

(The Return of the King)

This conversation is an example of "job 'hazard' ", how our training, job, and passion affects how we observe our surroundings (in a positive manner). I remember during my research days, every time I heard children switch between two languages (especially between English and Mandarin - as that was my research work), I started to analyse the structure of the code-switching. When my boyfriend and I go out, we will really spot the animals around us (as a biologist, it's part of his training to learn to spot animal).